From triplea_: Lately, sometimes I will be doing something that’s not homework like scrolling TikTok or watching you tube, and I know that I have to do homework, but whenever I think about doing the homework, it seems so distant and unfamiliar, because I haven’t really seen the assignment before and how to complete it.
Sometimes I have a general idea of what the assignment is, but it still seems really distant and unfamiliar. I believe this is most likely attributed to the fact that I have been continuously dissociated for four years (which basically means that my entire life has felt like I have been living in a dream for four years) and I’m 99% sure I have depersonalization/derealization disorder.
This distance and unfamiliarity makes me incredibly scared and anxious to start on the assignment for no reason. however, I know that I love to learn and complete assignments because I remember enjoying it for various reasons. Those various reasons are motivators, my genuine love for learning, and extrinsic motivation such as good grades and positive feedback from my teachers and parents.
Sadly, my memories don’t feel like my own (i think because of dissociation) so I also feel out of touch with that too. This means that I don’t feel like those motivators are really “worth it”. I think this might also show a lack of dopamine rush that i am supposed to get from those things, I’m not sure.
I have been struggling with this situation for a really long time, and luckily I have learned that instead of shutting down and giving up, I am trying to get help to solve this issue, like I am going to the ER to fix a broken arm rather than letting the pain subside.
Does anyone have any tips or advice on how to deal with this?
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Hey there! Thank you so much for coming here. I applaud you for taking this step and initiative.
You’re going through some pretty difficult stuff, but you’re not alone. We’re here for you.
I personally have no experience or real knowledge on depersonalization/ derealization disorder, but I feel that getting in touch with an expert could help a tremendous amount.
I believe in you, and you’ll get your way out of this and start feeling like yourself again. It may take some time but I’m excited for you to start moving in that direction. <3
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hey triplea,
thank you for being here and opening up about what you’re going through. that’s amazing that you have a passion for learning and doing assignments. that disconnection from your genuine love for learning and growth is something to bring up to a teacher, doctor, or parent so they can support you to the best of their abilities! getting those answers can hopefully help you in your journey to feel present again. it’s a frustrating and confusing feeling as you find yourself being distant and unfamiliar with key parts of your life. it’s like you’re there but not, numbly following the motions and caring for your heart as you face the fear and anxiety that comes along with it. i hear you and understand you.
i’m hoping with everything i got that you can find the answers and next steps you deserve to feel in control again. i’m proud of you for not shutting down and giving up btw. hope is on your horizon and i believe in you fully to chase after it, claiming your answers from therapists or doctors to see what they advise for what you’re going through. practice self-care to allow your brain to rest as well and always remember that you are not alone. you matter!
love,
twix
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Hi there triplea,
Thank you for sharing with us and for being here. It can be so frustrating and easy to get upset with ourselves when we feel like we’re doing other activities while we should be getting our work done, and it makes a lot of sense that the unfamiliarity – the unknown – would make it difficult to get started on homework. This can be so frustrating, and I feel for you in this regard, and in regard to you feeling out of touch with your experiences.
With that said, it’s good to hear that you enjoy learning, even if it can be hard to summon that motivation at times. Personally, when I have trouble getting the motivation to work, I tend to try one of two things (but different things work for different people, so what works for me may not be right for you, and vice versa):
- Set a 30 or 40-minute timer and work for that time with no distractions allowed. Then, take a 20-minute break. Oftentimes, when I cut out distractions, I actually find that I start enjoying the work more and go beyond the time on the timer.
- Simply take a break. I’ll agree with myself to watch one video but then I need to do some assignment to get another break. Or, if nothing is due tomorrow and I’m really tired, maybe I just take the day off – that’s okay too.
I know you mention planning on seeking care, and it’s awesome to hear that you have the courage and self-advocacy to take this step, particularly because it sounds like the dissociation you describe has become bothersome for you. This sounds like a great next step for you, and I hope you do pursue it if you’d like to.
I’m wishing you all the best as you navigate these challenges,
Tuna
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