Anxious and ashamed

I have been looking into getting help packing for my move and having trouble finding anyone once I describe the situation. Finally talked to a company that does remediation clean-up, expecting them to refer me somewhere but nope, the apartment has gone from cluttered to full-on hoarder while I’ve been depressed.

It is so hard to write this, it is something I am deeply ashamed of and not something I’ve gotten professional help with before. The anxiety really makes me feel like relapsing just to mentally get away. I never really realized how much I used drinking to deal with cleaning, even in rehab where I thought we had scoured out all the reasons and triggers for just about everything.

I’m anxious about my stuff, people going thru my stuff and judging me even though all the people I have talked to so far have been caring and professional and no one has yelled at me. This is going to take a lot of adding “–and I am still loved” to my thoughts. I’ve been stalling on posting as well so I’m just going to do it.


From what I have learned about hoarding, there is a lot of anxiety and mental barriers to getting help with it so you have done a great thi bfg for yourself by taking those first steps by asking for help. I never became a hoarder but I used to have a lot of anxiety with getting rid of things and it took me a few years before I finally started accepting that I could get rid of stuff. All I can say is that you need to take baby steps to get yourself in the right direction. Pick one thing a day, or every other day, and get rid of every single item of it. I know it’s hard but maybe it might help to keep a list you write of what you should get rid of so that you can mentally check yourself as you go through things. It’s going to take work every single day to be able to get through things but I am confident that you can do it. I don’t know how bad your particular situation is but I can promise you that you don’t need everything you own. Depression makes it really impossible for me to clean and I struggled with alcoholism as a coping mechanism so I understand both of those completely. I have a friend who is an organized hoarder, he seems very neat but his office is stacks of boxes. Last I heard he got rid of 5 garbage bags worth of old mail and papers and was donating books (he’s a professor) that was such a huge deal and I am so proud of him. He just needed someone to help calm his anxiety so he could do it himself.

Just start with one thing. You can do it

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Dude, it’s so hard to invite people into our secret struggles…so hard…the fear of judgment and what they’re going to think of me and what they’re going to view me as and the burden I’m going to place on them…gosh, it takes so much courage to face into that…

But the beautiful part about your situation is that you’ve got some pressure with this move to take you out of isolation…to help you inviting others into your story and into your struggle…truth is, we’ve all got our thing…it’s okay that this is one of yours. Don’t let your stuff bury YOU in shame. You’re not alone, and you’re not disgusting, you ARE still loved.

The scariest and most liberating step is inviting someone into your secrets…and if you can step out of isolation and into the loving arms of accepting individuals, you’re going to feel a freedom that’s worth the risk to get it.

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Thank you for all your support! They came today and it was emotional but we got rid of so much stuff. I think the hardest part was feeling like so many things that were special to me were really just so much junk to be thrown out.

But a lot of the furniture went to Goodwill and I gave my neighbor a desk and some shelves, and it feels good to help her daughter get ready for school. The crew was just two guys and they were both really kind but also really good at helping me stay focused. They also told me there was a mix-up and my place was not as bad as I had thought based on the proposal the office sent me. It is all done today instead of taking three days, and I feel pretty good about he whole thing.


That is amazing!!! I am so glad that you were able to get things figured out!!! I’m glad that it wasn’t as bad as you thought, I have a habit of thinking everything is messier and worse than it is because it causes me anxiety to be in a messy apartment. I just want to send you so many virtual hugs. I am so glad that you were able to get things figured out and they were so kind and helpful to you



First off- I love you friend. I’m proud of you. I truly am.

I know it’s really hard to let people see the things we hide about ourselves; for instance I struggle with self injury but that struggle I face doesn’t really leave this community; I feel ashamed for what I’ve done to myself and I don’t want to hurt others.

Sometimes we have to reach out; I know it’s hard- I really do. I feel a burning in my chest when I say that because I know I am such a hypocrite for saying it.

In regards to your possessions there is something I saw a while back that spoke to me and made me think- when going through your things keep items that have value and if they do not hold value then donate them/toss them.

I am not in the same situation as you but just as an example like my whole childhood was stuffed animals and these toys called littlest pet shops and Polly pockets- like, dang, I had bags and bags full of these toys. I was a lonely kid honestly so I kept them for probably much longer than other people would- but it wasn’t until recently that I finally let them go,

I wasn’t using them and my sister works at a daycare so I decided to give them a new home there- and the kids loved it. She said they were the nicest and quietest they had been like ever.

It’s hard- but I believe in you.

Hold fast.

With love,
Lyss (ur old pal Blurryface)