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Belongs to: Therapist reacts to Sick Boi Ren
As a suicide survivor talking to as therapist about it just makes me want to be back to that state. You guys scare the shit out of me. I’m a 48 year old Gen Xer. We get psychology very well and use it as a weapon. Unfortunately we also use it as a weapon against ourselves. I honestly don’t know what to do. I’m getting closer to the end again and I don’t know what will help. I’m broken. When you are broken you can’t be put back together the same way again. You just rebuild and change your structure. Kintsugi. You can be broken and be built back more beautiful. I just don’t know that path. Can you help? I need to be here for my son.
Thank you so much for opening up and for being so vulnerable. I’m so sorry that you feel so broken and hopeless. However, I want to encourage you. You are a suicide SURVIVOR. You’ve been in this place before and you are familiar with how heavy and relentlessly hopeless these lows can be, but you are a survivor. You have fought this battle before and won. You have the strength and the capacity to do that again. You may not be able to be put together the same way, but just like you said, you will be built back more beautiful than ever. These storms will pass and you will be a renewed spirit coming out of the other side with a powerful story of overcoming to share.
I’m really sorry that therapy makes you want to go back to that state, but I am so glad that you are open and honest with your emotions. The act of being open to discuss our ailments can be transformative and I am so happy that you are here to talk about it with us. Your son is so happy that you are still here, no matter how much you may struggle. It is okay to struggle; we all do. But I know that this struggle is temporary for you, and that there is such abundant joy waiting for you on the other side. I encourage you to stick around to experience it. We here at HeartSupport are always here for you and we would love to talk more. We love you and wish you nothing but the best.
We absolutely want for you to be present for your son too. There’s a future ahead for the both of you, and for you to share beautiful moments with the ones you love.
There’s certainly a point when suicidal thoughts make us feel like nothing can be done anymore to help ourselves, especially if it’s been a long time that we’ve been struggling with the temptation of hurting ourselves. For what it’s worth, I believe you’ve taken a very significant step here by open up and reaching out. It may not be an immediate fix, but you have a community right here that sees you and is rooting for you. We wish for you to thrive and see what’s on the other side of this overwhelming mountain. As you said so well, we can be rebuilt from our brokenness. We don’t get to embrace as it was before being wounded, but we can integrate these wounds as part of our story and learn to grow out of it. Roots are still growing, even if they had to encounter a tumultuous path.
I’m sorry you didn’t have a positive experience with therapy so far. It’s definitely a journey in itself to find the right person and the right approach. It’s frustrating, even discouraging, when it feels like you have to keep advocating for yourself while help shouldn’t seem to be so out of reach. My encouragement for you is to please not give up on the possibility to keep trying. There are many different therapeutic approaches out there, and some are only starting to gain on popularity and recognition. In some places, you will find different practitioners with eventually the possibility to have an “orientation” meeting at first - it’s a great way to be supported in finding the right therapy for you. To me personally, it took a good amount of trial and errors to realize that I needed a body-based type of therapy. Something that would focus on body sensations rather than the traditional talk therapy.
Whether you’d like to keep giving it a try or not, I would certainly encourage you to rely on your loved ones too, and on this community as much as you need. It’s okay to be your vulnerable self and to be honest about the demons you’ve been fighting. Some battles are not meant to be fought just on our own, my friend. I’m so thankful that you are here today.
Thank you for your honesty in your post. I love how you mention Kintsugi and the process of being broken and built back up again because that is so much of what life is. None of us can survive without some damage in the process, often some deep pain in the process. When you have had brokenness and pain in your life, you have not let it stop you from continuing to press onward. People do use psychology as a weapon especially when you have the literacy and the terms. If we just use the terminology and understanding to separate us from the real things we’re facing, it is just the defense mechanism of intellectualizing.
However, you are not just intellectualizing, you are reaching out for help which is a palpable action step.
While you feel like you are just moving the broken pieces into different configurations, I am sure that you will find a way to piece it together. Your son is so blessed to have you as his parent. Keep reaching out to the help you need. It may not be that style of therapy, but maybe something else will work for you. While you feel like you’re close to the edge of crashing again, you are noticing before you get to that point and that shows so much self-awareness. Keep pressing on, I am proud of you!
