No matter how old you get, coping with depression never really gets easy, whether you’re 12 or 21. There’s a deep, almost indescribable weight of sadness and pain that never seems to lift or go away, and there’s this terrible thought that you’re all alone and you feel like you deserve that, but the truth is you really don’t.
I understand the feeling of wanting to control that pain, be able to take the wheel in some way to alleviate it. It feels like releasing that pain, or being the one to choose how that pain hurts, whether emotional or physical, would help. But then we’re left with the scars of what’s happened, even if the feelings shift or change or even heal, there’s always a reminder of what was, which then makes us feel even more isolated and ashamed.
Dealing with those kinds of thoughts and feelings turn your mind into a warzone, constantly under fire and combating the darkness. I’m so sorry that you felt like giving up the fight, but I’m so glad that you are a strong and courageous fighter that doesn’t quit. Please give yourself credit for making it this far! Your life is a testament to all of your battles fought and wars won, and though the scars remain, you shouldn’t look at them with guilt or shame. A soldier can’t apologize for the world being at war, nor should they say sorry for surviving.
As you grow up, try reaching out to your inner 12 year old self, see if there’s any healing you or the world can offer them. I know for me, it took years to heal from my past and be able to see my scars dull and start to fade, but they’re still there. We can’t control what others think of us or accuse us of, we only know the truth, and the truth can’t offend us.
The truth is the world is full of darkness, but fortunately there are little flecks of light here and there and those give us hope. Hope that we make it through the next day. Hope someone might say something to help. Hope that we somehow get to feel okay again.
There’s hope left for you and I have faith that someone like you is strong enough to continue on the path of healing, and I’m so glad that you have someone loving like your dad to help you along the way. Sending love and comfort to you, my friend, and I pray that you are granted peace of mind. You are loved.
~ Pen