From pharos2356: I attempted on boxing day. I have been planning it for 130+ days and I finally attempted but failed. No one knows I did but some of my friends suspect because I sent them a message thanking them for our friendship. The thing is, while I was lying on bed waiting to overdose from cyanide poisoning I had no regrets about dying. They say your life flashes before your eyes when your about to die and that’s what happened. I lay in bed remembering all the years of my life and sobbing uncontrollably until I finally stopped and just waited. I began to have extreme stomach pain but I just closed my eyes and waited. I’m not religious but my last thought was if there truly was a heaven and if there was would I be going to hell for my actions? The next day I woke up like normal still with faint pain in my abdomen but other then that I was fine. I’ve stopped feeling “sad” about everything and it’s been replaced with this constant feeling of numbness except when it’s been night time. I haven’t been able to sleep either, I’m usually awake untill around 5 am before I end up Curling into a ball and crying myself to sleep. But one thing I can say is the nights are worse then before. Its gotten so bad that i relapsed again and used my ornamental knife to cut my thigh. My friends have been tethering me from attempting again, atleast for now, but I don’t know how long i can keep going. School is about to start again which means I’ll be able to see them but I know I’ll get even worse when I go back
I don’t know what’s going on with me and I honestly can’t see a future where I live past 16
Hello Pharos2356
I’m sorry that you are experiencing the pain and agony that you are going through right now. You describe the localized events of the incident and your current numbness. Which is great(that you are sharing), and your should be proud for having shared what you have, because it can be very hard. But something that I think would be equally important to share, would be to try to express the things that lead to you feeling this way. It might not be easy to pinpoint all the whys, and reasons behind why you feel the way you feel, but if you can get to the root of some things, it can provide context and details that might also bring relief to share.
Finding a therapist who was right for me, and could help me grow. Along with peer support, are two huge things that helped turn my situation around some. Along with other events that are more unique and specific to my life. I believe though, that all people have the potential to have the unique and specific events to their life, a long with proper peer/professional help to turn things around some. I also did not see me living past a very young age, and I am now in my 30s. I felt numb for a very, very large portion of my life, and wish I would have began to share and get help when I was younger, and not when I was an adult. Which is one of the reasons I talk, and reply to HeartSupport posts and content. I want to see young people find the support they need at a much earlier time in their life then I did. So that they can grow and become stronger in the belief/understanding of themselves earlier, rather then later. Everything might not be clear right now, but I believe if you hold on tight and share what you are going through with another human being. The road has the potential to get less and less bumpy over time. I’m not always sure if I say the right things in these, but I do care. I hope you can find some relief to how you have been feeling. If you ever want/need to share more, please feel free to do so. <3
Hi pharos,
Geez - I feel this. Thank you for sharing.
The way you described this is very interesting. To have meditated on this thing for sooooooo long. Which - by the way is its own interesting note…in some ways, you put your “hope” in suicide. You hoped it would fix your life, fix the pain, take it away…there is this “relief” you had hoped would come. You dreamed would come. Imagined would come. And then you did it, and it was like - this INTEEEEENSE feeling of regret. Of deep, soul-level sadness. To come to the edge of the chasm of your life, and to jump. And instead of it being 1000 feet deep and then swallowing you into whatever is “down there”, it was only 10 feet deep, and you woke up with a “twisted ankle”, but otherwise, still alive.
The numbness you describe sounds a lot like the death of hope. Your life is still the same. But now you don’t have this “rip cord” to pull. It didn’t fix your life. It didn’t take away your pain. It feels like you’re still in this “shock”. And honestly, you’ve been thinking about death for so long, it’s a weird thing to be alive. It’s almost like you turned off the idea of being alive, and waking up again felt…idk…like a system shock. Like you didn’t imagine that was a thing. Like you’re living in this “broken reality” where you fell through the floor in a video game, and you’re living almost like “under the map” (if you don’t game, sorry for the useless metaphor, lol)
It’s just intense, pharos! That’s a lot! And there are so many more layers I see off of this and know that you’re feeling too. It’s a lot…
I fantasized a lot about suicide when I was your age. Life was just layers and layers of the same shit. Wake up, disappoint people, hate myself, try to escape, go to sleep, do it all again. I felt haunted by what I “could be”, but never became. I hated the idea of going on, of living a life with 70+ years of the same haunting numbness. Feeling like I didn’t matter to anyone…really matter. I hated it. I didn’t want to live that life.
I think one of the things that I’ve learned is that feeling can actually be a really…empowering feeling. Suicide, at its root, is a REFUSAL to continue living life the way it is. And that energy can actually be really powerful. Imagine that inextinguishable desire to be directed to changing your life instead of ending it! It’s just a matter of pointing it in a different direction.
You have a lot of good things to live for if you have friends who tether you. You have dreams in you, things you want to do and build, experiences you want to have, people you want to do it with. You matter to people. What a wonderful thing, pharos!
So hold onto this feeling. REFUSE to let your life stay the same. Change it into something wonderful. I believe you can. And that you will 
-nate