Sometimes it feels like I’m almost progressing and regressing at the same time. This week has been a bad one for depression symptoms but I still made some good steps forward. With me back on my depression meds, I’m more of a reclusive sleepy type depressed over the more angry variety I experience. I think this is better because I cause less harm to myself and others in this state and there’s less self sabotage. I even feel a bit brighter yesterday and today (which is about right because it’s usually 4-6 weeks from start when I see improvement. I connected with a new mentor, kept up with hygiene, and had a good therapy session. I also made some decent progress on my little side project comic in between other things (just a few hours here and there but it’s still work done). It’s hard to not let myself spiral over tiny mistakes but I think I handled losing track of time and missing an event yesterday with a lot more slack than normal. I also was able to make some important calls (including meeting my new mentor which was low-key anxiety inducing), grab essentials from the conrer store, and keep all but one appointment in the past two weeks all while agoraphobia is super high. I missed the appointment due to a migraine not anxiety or avoidance so I’m okay with that and not beating myself up over it.
I’m a little frustrated with myself because there’s been a backslide in the housekeeping and a few things I keep forgetting and putting off. As a solution I booked an appointment with my case manager to make the rest of my calls and talk next steps and reminded myself that phone anxiety is a real thing and this is what support workers are for. I also came up with some strategies to reduce rumination whith my sister and am going to hold myself accountable to my new mentor for the housekeeping. There’s still been no word from the landlord about pest treatment, but I suppose I can talk to my worker about that next week in our metting. It’s been a mixture of wins and losses lately and this is just an attempt to not focus so much on where I’m going wrong, but bring a more balanced perspective to light. No need to respond, thank you for reading.
Cheers, Tek
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One Step at a time.
You can do this, We can do this, I am excited to have this community. Together we are stronger. I was helped reading your story and taking good points you made. I just know it is never easy and a struggle, but we can have hope.
all positive vibes
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Thank you. I had my appointment today and still trekked over there even with the weather, and my worker and I knocked out so many of the calls I’ve been putting off!
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For some reason I can’t find a way to create a new topic so I’m replying to the last one I made. I screwed up in more than one way. I fell down a pit of avoidance and shame, stopped taking my meds properly, I was drinking again. I became wrapped up in a delusional fantasy that could have been easily cleared up with a few DMs and emails. I lost my mind, scared a lot of people and caused a lot of chaos. I fell into a pit of shame so deep all I could do was sleep to avoid my own self loathing. I was picking apart everything and everyone as an excuse to not change. I’ve claimed to be working on my mental health for years while just being frozen on the couch playing video games. The more I looked at this the more I felt ashamed, especially after the delusion broke and I came back to reality. This resulted in me making a very bad decision because I felt unfixable, there’s a little flame inside of me that wants to get better in spite of my automatic destructive and chaotic tendencies. I put myself in the hospital and realising how toxic and problematic I was since leaving has not been an easy thing to face. I’m still very easily discouraged, only tending to notice the ways that I’m still the same, not the steps I’ve been making to do better. I’ve caused a lot of harm, both online and offline and the self destructive choice I made was just another way of passing off my stress and pain onto others. I see how selfish it was. So many people tried to reach out, tried to help but I didn’t want to listen, I didn’t want to put the work in. I’m so deeply sorry for the chaos that I caused.
I’m still in a state of deep guilt and shame and battling “game over” urges most days. I’ve been sort of putting on a happy face and trying to grow up in a lot of ways, but it still feels like too little too late. I’ve burned a lot of bridges and hurt nearly everyone I care about. This is the danger of self diagnosis, I wanted to be anything but borderline and eventually local healthcare gave in and gave me the ADHD meds, which caused a self-destructive chaotic rampage that I’m wholly responsible for. I was so afraid to face the consequences of my deluded state that I burned every bridge extended to me. I’m still struggling to reach out and face the consequences of all the burnt bridges, abandonment, (and worse).
In the month since I left the hospital, I’ve gotten a part time job in an attempt to grow up and contribute to society, I accepted that I have to go back to DBT even though I resisted it for years. I started taking the professionals more seriously and stopped just getting angry when they don’t tell me what I want to hear. I signed up for family counseling to try and repair things with my brother. I’ve improved my hygiene and housekeeping (although I’m still not at a decent standard with these). Even though I still struggle with depression and anxiety, I’m trying to put on a more pleasant face and stop dumping my troubles on to everyone around me.
I’m extremely sorry for the worry and chaos that I caused. After claiming for so long that I want to be better, I’m finally starting to put the work in. I’m still in a state of procrastination and avoidance in some ways, but I’m taking little steps to clean up the mess I made.
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I listen to music to help me Cope. Sometimes I don’t even leave my couch or bed. I listen to August Bursn Red or Underoath, Silverstein, Senses Fail, Slipknot, It still sucks and the depression and anxietiy and thoughts can still be cripplin. I started to just do little walks around the block. I know it is nothing special. I always wanted to be in the NFL. I swear to God at 5’10" 155 pounds, 35 years old. I still think in my head I can play in the NFL. It is unbearable and I just get pissed if someone doesn’t understand what I am thinking. I have started doing pushups and I know walking and doing pushups isn’t amazing, but it helps me feel better somedays. There are no easy answers and sometimes it just straight up sucks. I have come here a little more to get encourament and also ramble. Don’t give up, unless you want to. just kidding, keep trying there are ups and downs. it is not easy, sometimes it sucks super hard.
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I can relate to feeling like the small things aren’t enough. Accepting that there’s no easy answer or quick fix has definitely been difficult. Maybe I should start listening to music again. Although I likely won’t gravitate to the same things. Thanks for reminding me that there will be good days and bad. I have to fight the urge to give up almost every day, and am still losing a lot of time to depression and anxieties. I’m practicing mindfulness more which is making it easier. There has been less daydreaming and I’ve accepted that any kind of modest and somewhat joyful life will be enough. I’m thankful I found a job, even if it isn’t the greatest fit for me.
I told myself I was coming here to post as a step towards accountability and coming out of avoidance. However, I have been sliding backward in recent weeks, so maybe it was more attention seeking than I originally realized. Most people I talk to say the small changes do add up to something better. Thanks for replying, we can both do this!
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I appreciate all the good tips.