im not sure if this should go in journal or support. but a quick story (or two) that have me anxious:
i work at ulta, we have a few hairstylists. i got my hair done by one of the newer stylists. I was going for blonde and she made me orange and then had to bring my hair back to basically my natural brown, it was frustrating and embarrassing but I didn’t want to hurt her feelings and embarrass her. we eventually fixed the blonde and it looked good.
i had an appointment with the other, more experienced stylist to touch up my roots that had grown out. she bleached them and wanted to do a cool orange-y effect right on my root. she put some orange dye on the root and was on the phone with her landlord for 20 minutes… my hair is now literally orange.
It actually doesn’t look /bad/ but its a lot to look like this 24/7. I have horrible issues and self-talk when it comes to my body, my face, my hair. I constantly feel ugly and gross. especially as a gay man this body image stuff follows me everywhere. I am constantly looking at guys, girls, everyone, just comparing every part of my body. and now my hair is orange. with some outfits its kinda cool. but i don’t feel cute. i don’t feel loveable. i don’t feel like myself.
but i don’t know if i have the energy and courage to ask to get the orange dissolved. She said if i didn’t like it we could take it out but I am a little scared of asking anyway. and getting out of bed is hard so I don’t know if I can muster the energy to schedule an appointment on a day i have off. i just wanna feel good about myself but thats kinda hard when u have a bright orange mullet. plus the hairstylist took some pictures of it and showed me and i felt so awful looking at myself.
pluuuuus i applied for a study abroad program that hasn’t gotten back to me on whether or not they are 100% going through with sending me to Germany next year. This is something I need to know because if not, I am going to have to transfer universities. this is all so much for me and I can’t keep my room clean. exercising feels like an impossible task.
this is really all over the place and im sorry hopefully it makes sense
Comparing yourself to others will always lead to frustration. I wouldn’t be surprised if the most perfect appearing human being on the planet disliked at least one aspect of their appearance. We are our own worst critics, seeing flaws in ourselves that others do not. If you take the time to observe, for every one “beautiful person,” there are many hundreds with a more average appearance, and are quite successful.
I’m pretty sure that you are both cute and lovable. I think that would be true, even if you were bald. Regardless of how you feel about yourself, even when not feeling like yourself, you are inescapably yourself. Is it possible that by being so preoccupied with your outward appearance, you are losing touch with your feelings? If that’s true, it’s no wonder that you don’t feel like yourself.
It sounds like you’re hair needs a break. Too many color changes can’t be good for it. Maybe you should go back to your natural color for a while, and give your hair some time to recover. There is something to be said for skintone and hair color that is naturally compatible and complementary.
If it’s acceptable to do so, contact the study abroad program, and explain the importance of having an answer, so you can plan for your educational future.
Regarding keeping your room clean, just take the first step, like emptying the trash can. Then decide on just one more thing to do, then do it. If you take it in such small steps, the task will not overwhelm you.
EsRivs responded to your post live on Twitch with some amazing words of encouragement!
Here is a link to the video so you can hear their response for yourself,
thank u so much for your time and words
i think im gonna see how the color fades and then in a few weeks go back and get the color that i want. a lot of people seem to like it so im happy that i don’t look as absurd as i may feel, but i definitely want it back to something im comfortable with soon. thank u for ur time. i emailed the study abroad program (again) so hopefully i hear back soon. thanks again
From: WizA (Discord)
Hi friend, thank you for expressing your emotions on this public forum! Just know that whatever color your hair is, you as a person are completely valid and you’re beautiful! Know that your stylist doesn’t want you to feel that way about yourself, and maybe this situation will lead to a more open relationship to where you can express your concerns about certain looks and they get a feel for what you would want yourself to look. I understand how stressful it can be waiting on a third party to get back with you about something important to you and it sucks having to wait and you’re just running through the multiple scenarios in your head. In my own experience, I try and keep my mind occupied with something that I enjoy doing. For me, it’s working on art, or playing a video game with friends, or even just watching a really good movie or show. For you, it might be something different, but I find that creating things or bettering myself in some way is the best thing for me to do when I find myself in a situation where the chances are left up to the Universe to decide. <3
From: Solaire (Discord)
nhall2000, Wow, I am sorry to hear you are feeling anxious. Those events sound like they are incredibly frustrating and embarrassing. i can appreciate how hard it must be to feel this way. I am so sorry to hear you don’t feel like yourself at all… that just sounds like really disorienting. It sounds to me like there are several events that have gone down that challenge you in a number of different ways. There are so many dynamic moving pieces to what you’re going through, some within and some without of your control. I feel a real deep honor that you chose to share this with us. I am appreciative. I can resonate. One time, I got this job, that challenged my shadow side, I could not avoid it, it was in my face. I learned some real scary fears, connecting to my 4yo self. I realized alot of things in those moments, but what came to mind the most was the word ground. I had to touch back down and be in my body. I found my breath. The vision went away, and I felt alot has lifted from me. I wonder if there is a word for you when you experience adversity that brings you back to who you are. <3 Sending hugzz
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