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Because you asked:
First of all, it may sound otherwise, but i am not suicidal.
I am way beyond a breakdown now. I tried getting help and was let down. I am literally the black sheep of my family because i just dont care anymore. I mean that literally. I have my opinions and my moments of emotion, but 99.9% of the time, i am empty. I literally dont care if i would die this instant. I will not take my own life. Even for that i have no energy left. The only things that held me together was my grandma and my fiancé. My fiancé broke our engagement over the phone at christmas eve 2018 at 6:43pm, and my grandma died of corona at the 21. November 2021 at 3:51am.
My cry for help in my youth was a poem i wrote called “Walk a thousand miles in my shoes and then judge me” (translated). The “help” i got, was mandatory stationary psycho-therapy and 16 pills per day for 8 months straight (i was 13 years old) that only destroyed me further and ailienated me further from people. Since then i learned to build a wall and bury myself. The only person that knew me how i really was, was my grandma and my ex-fiancé for whom i lowered my wall. Now the only thing i can say is: “Never again”. I didnt fell in love with my breakdown. I feel nothing about it. And the only emotion i can consistently show is pure, raw, anguish at christmas that i drown out with as much liquer i can afford to numb the pain. I normally drink very little except for on christmas where it is necessary to numb my normally non-existent emotions.
I’m sorry to hear about your situation. It’s really hard to try to get help and not be able to actually be helped as needed, it happens that sometimes maybe we need to try more times until we get the one that works best for us, and it might not be easy at all.
From what you said, it seems that you have passive suicidal thoughts. Being empty and not caring anymore, it shows that you really went through a lot. You had cared a lot and gave your energy until some unfortunate situations happened, as your fiancé leaving you, and your grandma passing away, which I can only imagine how hard it is to deal with it.
It’s painful to lose someone who we had plans to spend our future with and to see how all the plans are destroyed, and even before Christmas where it should be something nice to remember.
Also, to go to the process of accepting and feeling all the loss, then all the hopelessness moments and loneliness that comes with it, then the grieving and learning to live again without your grandma, who meant a lot to you.
Going through all this, it feels like the heart is literally in pieces and some of those pieces are lost, those that could still have kept some hope and joy, it can feel that we won’t feel complete again, but as long as we keep on going, the chances to actually find the missing pieces are pretty high, as long as we also do something that could lead us there, in that place from where we can have a better view.
Building a wall around us sounds a really good idea when we have been hurt and we want to protect ourselves so we won’t let anyone too close, it’s really scary to be vulnerable again. But in this way we might also not get the chance to love and let ourselves be loved again. Living in our own bubble with our suffering and trust issues regarding others, can really make us feel very lonely.
I understand how those emotions can appear on Christmas and you want to drown them with alcohol. I relate to not enjoying the Christmas, but not using anything possibly harmful to wait until it passes, as some bad events happened in that time for me, but in this time even if I get those emotions that I don’t want, I try to create others new by actually connecting with people. So for the next year I will remember better the last Christmas and how I spent it, instead to get lost in the ones I wish I skipped.
I hope that you can find the help and healing that you need. Hold fast! -R