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Belongs to: Therapist Reacts to Dear Alcohol by Dax
Been a clinically diagnosed “functioning alcoholic” since 8…I’m now 50. How I’m alive I don’t know. It ain’t a badge I wear with pride…rather embarrassment, anger, remorse & regret. Yet I can’t ever walk away without finding myself back to square 1.
Until someone walks a mile in my shoes…
The fact that you’ve made it to 50 while navigating the realms of alcoholism shows how strong you are. Through these years, through your words here, through the voice you share, there’s been without a doubt many moments of doubt, fears and tears. It takes in itself a lot of growth to get to the point of recognizing that your relation to alcohol is unhealthy, especially when it doesn’t seem to match the common perception of alcoholism and how it manifests.
It’s hard to keep on going and to be strong when it feels like something within us is constantly trying to push us downward though. When you have to fight against struggles you never desired to know in the first place, success, growth, healing can definitely feel bittersweet. It’s there, but it also feels as if you don’t really own it either. Somehow, being high functioning ends up feeling more like a curse than an accomplishment, for it creates this distances between others and you, and maybe for some time it also created distance between you and yourself.
It makes sense to struggle with carrying that weight every day, especially when your own struggle fits into society’s criteria of what it is to be a “functional” human or not. It’s almost as if the pain that is very real on your side remains invisible to others because people in your life don’t see any red flag and don’t understand how subtle the expression of our struggles can be. It’s not always all dark, not always all depressing. Sometimes what is reflected outward doesn’t really show the way our inner life is, and reconnecting those two pieces together can feel absolutely challenging. As someone having what one would label high functioning depression and anxiety, my heart goes out to you. There are days when you wish someone could see the real pain in you, the real YOU, to help you feel like you’re not alone. Just to get rid of the sensation that functioning turned out to be a trap that doesn’t allow you to take any pause, to rest, or even heal. To be allowed to say “I’m not okay”.
If anything: I see you. I hear you. I understand how isolating this duality can be on a daily basis. In your own isolation, you are not alone. 
-Marie-Anne, Heartsupport Staff
@@HeartSupport I sincerely appreciate you taking the time to write such a poignant truth to the situation…I see your deeper understanding & it saddens me that it’s born from your own
personal fights. May we all find small moments in time to call peaceful.
.Wish.