Been plagued by my symptoms for the past couple days. It’s caused me to isolate a lot of the day because it’s just so overwhelming and it takes a lot of energy to work thru urges and impulses. I get stuck in this loop of doom.
My voices are mean and they want me to hurt myself. They yell and cuss at me and I can’t get away. My new meds have kept them quiet(ish) and a lot of the time now, I can’t make out what they are saying. It’s exhausting trying to fighting them off when they surface and there really isn’t anything I can do but go thru it. Sometimes, if I talk to someone they stop. I’ve tried listening to music really loud and trying very hard to ignore them.
Giving in is sometimes very tempting and that scares me. They tell me they will stop if I do what they want. All I have to do is cut and they will stop. They drive me mad sometimes and I just want to scream. I’ve heard stories of people going as far as suicide to make the voices stop.
The voices tell me that my friends hate me and just tolerate me. They tell me that my friends talk about me behind my back and try to get me jealous by telling me lies. I don’t believe them and it makes me so sad to even write that.
It’s all just exhausting and I’m tired.
Add to that, I’ve been suffering from derealization. Things don’t seem real and I feel like I’m not connected to the world. Food doesn’t even look real to me. I’ve tried doing the grounding exercise where you find 5 things you see around you, 4 things you can touch around you, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can taste. It works for a little while, but it comes back. It’s just really frustrating and disturbing. I was looking at my hand and arm and they didn’t feel like they were mine.
I feel like I’m complaining… I’m sorry.
I’m just really tired of fighting every day and writing is helpful. Telling someone brings it out into the world and helps me a lot. This is the only place I feel safe doing it. Just writing in my journal, which I do every day sometimes just isn’t enough.
. I am angry at the stupid voices that keep telling you those terrible things. I wish they would just go away. I care about you so much Rosie. You are an amazing friend. You are there for me when I am at my lowest and I appreciate that so much. I am sorry I have not been a very reliable source of support lately. I hope I can a better friend to you in the future. People care about you. You have so many friends that are there to support you because you are such an amazing person. I am so glad to know you. When those voices bug you again you can text or call me on Discord. If I am online I will make time for you. I don’t want you to go through those terrible moments alone. I really hope those voices will not bother you as often. We are here for you Rosie and we love you. Hang in there friend 