Being a pest again sorry

It gets to this time of year and the thoughts start coming and they don’t stop coming.

Today I was working and I couldn’t stop the thought that nobody really likes me. I couldn’t stop the thoughts that everyone knows about how I attempted to take my life and they’re ashamed I survived it.
I have an incredible aunt, an incredible girlfriend and a really good therapist who I haven’t yet told that those thoughts are lingering.

We have been talking a little more about past trauma/abuse, maybe it’s bringing up these feelings.
I’ve been really trying to stay positive and I know deep down I am thankful that I woke up. I know that I can remember how it all felt in the moment. That dread and that realisation of what I had done.
There’s just something there that is trying to eat at me. Trying to make me question why I’m here and take me back to that place.

Holy shit I don’t want to go back to that place.

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Hi @Whois

I’m sure you’ve read somewhere on the wall about how I get stuck in my head too thinking that everyone hates me. I know those feelings… that paranoia.

One thing I’ve realized is that I often believe those negative thoughts without checking to see if they are true or not. Checking the Facts is a DBT skill and I think it would come in useful for you in this situation.

I’m pretty sure everyone here likes you, so when you say, “nobody really likes” you, it’s just not true. So, right there we can prove that those thoughts you’re having are not true.

I’m sorry that you have attempted to take your life, but I’m happy that you’re still here. Let me ask though, why would people be ashamed that you survived? Do you really believe that all your friends are capable of such horrible thoughts? I bet the people who know about it are very thankful that you made it thru. I know I am.

I’ll share part of a webpage here for you about reframing the way you’re thinking. It’s another DBT coping skill that I’ve learned. It’s a helpful way to turn problems or negative thoughts into opportunities for change and growth.

I hope this helps and know that you ARE loved and valued!

Healthy Ways to Reframe

When these thoughts start to bubble up, try to recognize any immediate factors that may be contributing to this line of thinking, like self-isolating or generally not keeping up with your typical routine.

That said, when these thoughts do pop up, Chlipala says it’s time to practice playing your own devil’s advocate.

“Challenge yourself to think of alternative explanations,” says Chlipala. “You can also ask people for feedback. I wouldn’t say, ‘I think you hate me. Is this true?’ but you can approach the topic more gently: ‘I’ve been feeling like I’ve been the only one initiating as of late. Is there something going on? I want to make sure I didn’t upset you or hurt your feelings.’”

It’s also important to remember that people often don’t notice the tiny details that you may be getting hung up on. If you’re worried that you said something stupid at a party and that’s why people aren’t inviting you, remember that most people are truly aren’t thinking about it.

Chlipala notes that it’s important that people recognize these negative thoughts so that they don’t become a common mental pattern that your brain turns to when certain issues arise.

It could be helpful to remind yourself of the "liking gap, "which was discovered after psychologists polled strangers after they had first-time conversations or interactions with others.

They found that everyone was more liked and valued by their peers than they thought they were. They also found that everyone was more focused on what they said or did during an interaction than they were with others.

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From: sakurasraven (Twitch)

years ago, i ended up in the hospital for self harm. my dad knew, but never said anything to me. he’s a bad person, but it still really hurt. i can kind of understand how you’re feeling. you don’t have to tell anyone about your suicide attempt if you aren’t comfortable, but your feelings are so valid. i am so glad you are alive and you do not need to feel guilty for surviving. no one is ashamed of you, they are happy you are alive.

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From: twixremix_ (Twitch)

hey sweet friend, i’m so sorry you are enduring these thoughts. i’m so thankful you have an amazing support system with your aunt, girlfriend, therapist, and your hs community. your feelings are incredibly valid and i know your circle of trust will only embrace you and all you are and have done. i’m glad you’re here and i know the people in your life are far from ashamed that you’re still bringing light to their life. thank you for being on this earth and community with me. love, twix

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From: sheetmetalhead (Twitch)

i could say a lot of things that ring hollow. what i will say that i hope rings true is this: if you knew anyone in your life who said “no one likes me,” what would you say to them? not true, right? same goes for everyone else looking back at you!

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From: the_manekineko (Twitch)

that repeated trauma and abuse sets this idea in our minds that somehow our value in life decreases. you’ve come an incredibly long way in your journey and the fact you recognise those thoughts and those patterns in itself is an accomplishment. i know there’s a whole community here who are so happy you’re here.

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!Respond I know how haunting it is to have THOSE thoughts and have them occur on some form of regularity. Part of my self care has been taking on a position of “witnessing” my thoughts. Some thoughts whether they be chemically/emotionally precipitated or spiritually “demonic” but I treat them as lies. They want to hurt me. I started actively even sometimes out loud saying “Shut up, you lie!” Keep moving forward. Doing things for yourself, being grateful for those things you have and I swear to you it will slowly get quieter and quieter. It may never go away completely but other more positive voices will speak louder than it.

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@Whois

Firstly I am going to say this I am NOT ashamed that you survived nor the fact that you even did. I have truly tried that myself too but I am so glad that I did not do it successfully. I am going to say this you are not defined in my eyes as what happened and how hard it is to talk about this and come out with them. I have also been haunted by these thoughts and even as of lately but something I have worked hard on is seeing the reality that wait here is my list of what I have that is great like the fact you listed off the girlfriend and the therapist and this community are legit great things. We here at heartsupport care about you and love you for all things that have happened. I am super glad you have shared that you are feeling this way. I know that life may be hard on us but I can say this it truly can be so much more than the moments like this one. I know how much the road we are on tosses and turns. I know that sometimes in order to help myself I have to stop and ask for help. DO NOT HESITATE TO ASK FOR THAT. Healing from mental health is not build on giant steps but small baby steps and we all cant make them without falling.
Love always
Ash

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@Mystrose thank you a ton for your message. Seriously I really appreciate it. Realistically I know that people (or at least a majority of them) would not say or think that kind of thing.
I think it’s just that persistent guilt in a way. Even if someone did think that, then I guess it would be someone I wouldn’t have much to do with anyway.

@twixremix thank you for being so welcoming to everyone, it is really great joining your swat. I doubt there’s a single person who isn’t left feeling cared for and loved when you take the time to make their posts and lives seen.

It is helpful for sure. I wasn’t always in the best frame of mind until more recently, it’s been a battle, but it has been worth it even when there are these kinds of days

Thank you @disabledmetalfan it is nice to be reminded that there are better moments. I’d like to think that I’ve been better at opening up and reaching out, was probably too stubborn about it and we know how that goes.

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How many people just responded to you? Seven plus me. Thats 8 people who are delighted, honoured, grateful and happy that you are here with us, sharing your awesome self with us.

Cant be “everyone”, 8 ppl just loudly and clearly stated that we love you and are so proud of you for being YOU.

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Thank you, Sita. It’s hard sometimes to try to separate those thoughts from the truth. I got to spend today with my most lovely girl who is a continuous reminder of positivity and love.

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You’re here today and you are opening up about things that are difficult. You are on therapy, you reach out, you ask for help, you share your voice, what’s on your heart. All of these are major steps and expressions of the fact that you are not going back to that place. There is part of you, of your mind, that knows what is right and healthy for you, even if it means at times that you don’t truly believe it either. The thoughts are familiar, the emotions too, but you are not the same person. You have learned, you have grown, you have opened your heart to the love of people around you, which makes a huge difference.

It’s understandable to fear going back to that place, even though this fear is also a good sign. You know what you don’t want in your life anymore. You know these thoughts don’t have to hold more space in your mind, but the heart also follows its own pace, which is generally much slower than what we learn consciously. There are wounds that still need to be cared for, and certainly emotions that need to be addressed – the shame, the guilt, the sense of worthlessness. These are old patterns, and just like it took time to learn them, it will take time to unlearn as well. You are on this road already. I see it, and I bet many of us do in this community.

Healing unfortunately often brings more pain than we envision at first, but it’s important to keep in mind that we are not experiencing the things we went through before. We are processing, in safe environments and with safe people. There were times when after starting to open up about traumas, I felt so exhausted, discouraged, hopeless – sometimes it felt like I was even more than ever. With the pain itself comes the realization of all the unfairness that surrounds it. If we are used to turn pain against ourselves, then a way to regain control somehow is to keep believing that this world would be better off without us in it. But that isn’t true. Each time your mind delivers this message that something must be wrong with you, it is the manifestation of pain, not of the truth, not of the reality of the love that is present for you, not of the potential and beauty that is present in your life, even during times like these.

Talking about traumas and abuse is a tough journey, and it might surprise you at times regarding how it affects you, how it triggers your mind. But you are doing well – you are offering yourself a gift that has been denied for too long: healing. Make sure to keep relying on your support system through all of it. You are never too much, never a burden, never an annoyance.

This road is paved of many little steps. You will not have to figure everything out instantly. Keep listening to your heart, keep receiving the affection of your partner, your aunt, and all the love we have for you here.

One day at a time. You will be okay, @Whois. Words are not enough to express how much we’re all so very proud of you. :hrtlegolove:

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Hey Whois,

Dan and Casey responded to your topic Friday on stream with some wonderful words of support.

Here is a link to the video of them that you can watch anytime you need some encouragement.

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Hi Whois,

I know I’m very fashionably late to the party, and everyone’s already put things I’d say myself-- but I do want to check in and see how you’re doing since this post, if that’s something you would like to share. :))