You’re here today and you are opening up about things that are difficult. You are on therapy, you reach out, you ask for help, you share your voice, what’s on your heart. All of these are major steps and expressions of the fact that you are not going back to that place. There is part of you, of your mind, that knows what is right and healthy for you, even if it means at times that you don’t truly believe it either. The thoughts are familiar, the emotions too, but you are not the same person. You have learned, you have grown, you have opened your heart to the love of people around you, which makes a huge difference.
It’s understandable to fear going back to that place, even though this fear is also a good sign. You know what you don’t want in your life anymore. You know these thoughts don’t have to hold more space in your mind, but the heart also follows its own pace, which is generally much slower than what we learn consciously. There are wounds that still need to be cared for, and certainly emotions that need to be addressed – the shame, the guilt, the sense of worthlessness. These are old patterns, and just like it took time to learn them, it will take time to unlearn as well. You are on this road already. I see it, and I bet many of us do in this community.
Healing unfortunately often brings more pain than we envision at first, but it’s important to keep in mind that we are not experiencing the things we went through before. We are processing, in safe environments and with safe people. There were times when after starting to open up about traumas, I felt so exhausted, discouraged, hopeless – sometimes it felt like I was even more than ever. With the pain itself comes the realization of all the unfairness that surrounds it. If we are used to turn pain against ourselves, then a way to regain control somehow is to keep believing that this world would be better off without us in it. But that isn’t true. Each time your mind delivers this message that something must be wrong with you, it is the manifestation of pain, not of the truth, not of the reality of the love that is present for you, not of the potential and beauty that is present in your life, even during times like these.
Talking about traumas and abuse is a tough journey, and it might surprise you at times regarding how it affects you, how it triggers your mind. But you are doing well – you are offering yourself a gift that has been denied for too long: healing. Make sure to keep relying on your support system through all of it. You are never too much, never a burden, never an annoyance.
This road is paved of many little steps. You will not have to figure everything out instantly. Keep listening to your heart, keep receiving the affection of your partner, your aunt, and all the love we have for you here.
One day at a time. You will be okay, @Whois. Words are not enough to express how much we’re all so very proud of you. 