Back to heartsupport

Being Self Aware..Continued

I have become self aware of my borderline personality disorder and apparently now I can choose my behavior and control my emotions.

This has actually been said to my face.

Do they not realize that part of my brain that controls my impulses and decisions isn’t developed all the way? Do they not realize that the part of my brain that controls my emotions is hypersensitive? Do they know what type of emotional roller coaster I am on 24/7? I suffer, I suffer so much.

Do they not understand that my reality is as real to me as theirs? That in that moment my actions are appropriate to me? Do they not realize that just a facial expression can throw me into crisis? The thoughts of being rejected and abandoned fuel the fire so intensely that we loose people who care about us because we don’t want to loose them. I have to remember to pause when I feel the surge of heat build inside and do the things I’ve learned to distract, but I don’t always recognize what’s happening and I fail. It’s so hard to understand for healthy minded people.

Then there is the wall I’ve been involved in. I love helping other people, but I fail to apply my own support to myself. I say things from my own experiences that I need someone to say to me.

I feel what everyone else in crisis feels on that board. I feel like no one loves me or wants me. I find myself thinking about cutting in places people can’t see. No one would know, and I could just give in and not care. Or letting my cat bite me hard or scratch me. Accidently burning myself taking something out of the oven. I am in a constant fight in my head about this and if I’m honest with myself, I have let some of those things happen. It’s a constant fight inside my head.

Being self aware isn’t fun, it’s filled with confusion, guilt and anxiety.

7 Likes

Do they not realize that part of my brain that controls my impulses and decisions isn’t developed all the way? Do they not realize that the part of my brain that controls my emotions is hypersensitive? Do they know what type of emotional roller coaster I am on 24/7? I suffer, I suffer so much.

What you describe is very true. And not only for when someone struggles with borderline traits, but also more generally for every human being. In our societies that promote self-empowerement, we’ve been quite intolerant with emotions in general… which brings quite many people to believe that emotions are made to be controlled. Believing that is, in my opinion, a foolish thought. Emotions can’t be controlled really. However, we can absolutely become the observer of our thoughts and emotions and, that way, learn how to react and respond to those emotions, especially when they are very intense.

I’m sorry you were told that somehow a diagnosis is a solution in itself. It kind of diminishes and invalidates the sublteties and reality of your inner experience, which is not fair. Not only becoming aware of a diagnosis is not a quick fix, but it also doesn’t give all the answers regarding how it affects us, as individuals holding unique stories. It’s the big difference between having a personality disorder and not being a personality disorder. It’s part of the complexity that makes you the unique human being that you are. But it doesn’t define you as if reading about it would make it all suddenly understandable. It’s a step further. A tool to learn to progress, grow and move on, which is very different from what you’ve been told.

People crave for labels that help them understand something without having to dive into it too deeply. Unfortunately, ones experience can never be fully understood by others. But you still have the power to share yours, with your own words and point of view. And, in my humble opinion, you do it very well right here. What you describe comes from your heart. It’s a raw expression of yourself with a lot of subtelties. People who don’t understand would probably be the one who don’t really want to.

I can relate to a lot of the things you describe, minus the urges for self-destruction. But the way you feel for others, the fears that you have, this sensation to be extremely vulnerable all the time, the fear of being too much or not enough and lead others to leave… I feel that, a lot, although I’ve learned to understand, just like you with BPD, that for me it stems from complex PTSD. And I just want to virtually sit next to you, tell you that I understand how exhausting it is to feel like walking on eggshells constantly, to feel unsafe and vulnerable as if just a feather on your skin would hurt you. I hear you.

Then there is the wall I’ve been involved in. I love helping other people, but I fail to apply my own support to myself. I say things from my own experiences that I need someone to say to me.

I’ve struggled with this from time to time for being on the Wall for two years now. I felt like a big hypocrite sometimes. But honestly, what I’ve noticed too is that helping others and actually sharing the care I have for others, has still an effect on me. It’s just slow and difficult to see at first. But being around and sharing loving reminders is not without any effect. We also read and acknowledge what we say, even if we don’t adress it to ourselves directly. It’s still very real and present.

There’s this saying that people who hurt the most are the ones who want to pour the most love into others, because they know how it feels to be alone, to not have any support, to not have anyone saying “I love you” when they need it. I believe it’s true that tough life experiences make some people more eager to share love.

The love and care you provide here is very much appreciated. But please, know that we are here for you as well. And don’t be ashamed of taking time for yourself too. We all do. And that is even more important if you tend to feel what others feel. This can be very quickly overwhelming. It’s okay to take breaks, to breathe, to recharge away from the ugliness of this world, from others struggles as well. There’s always a time and a place for everything.

I appreciate you and am grateful for your presence. You bring a lot of goodness around here. Just take it easy when you need to. This community is here and is not moving. You belong here, whether you give love, ask for support, or just share life on the other platforms (Twitch, Discord). :hrtlegolove:

5 Likes

@Micro

I have tears streaming down my face right now. Thank you for seeing me.

Every single word touched my heart and I’m so grateful for you and Heart Support.

4 Likes

@Lizzy

Sending hugs. :hrtlegolove:

4 Likes

Feeling down tonight.

I’m so afraid of hurting other people. I’ve been finding myself not doing things I want to do or avoiding friendships I know would be awesome for fear of getting too close and putting unrealistic expectations on things, ruining everything like I always do.

My head tells me that I’ll just destroy everything and hurt someone I love. I’m alone and I don’t want to be, but I feel like I need to be so I don’t hurt people. Even when someone loves and supports me like my boyfriend, I’m still alone inside.

I know I would be good at this thing I want to be involved with online. I did it in high school and have wanted to ever since. But, I’m pretty sure I would get too attached to someone and just ruin everything… again. So, I haven’t signed up.

Even knowing why I think the way I do and why I do the things I do… I still watch myself destroy everything in my path. I feel like I jump from one crisis to the next and it’s exhausting.

5 Likes

I’m sorry you’re feeling so down. While I don’t have borderline personality disorder, I have become self aware of my own mental health struggles, especially my OCD. I’m fully aware sometimes that I’m being completely irrational, but that doesn’t always mean I can stop the compulsions. Sometimes I can have a full blown panic attack over the smallest thing and I know I’m being ridiculous, but I can’t stop my body’s physiologic response. Being self aware sometimes feels like even more of a burden. It’s knowing I should act differently but being unable to do so. Stay strong. I hope you have a mental health provider that can help you come up with skills to use in times of need. Not everyone will understand what you’re going through, but those who care for you will do their best to support you. Sometimes other people’s responses may seem like they don’t care, but they may just be struggling to understand how to help. Be open with what you need from them.

2 Likes

That’s exactly it, 200%. It’s like you’re hovering over your body watching yourself do stupid stuff fully knowing what you’re doing is wrong.

Thank you for your encouragement :hrtlegolove:

3 Likes

This came out of me this morning.

Watching Myself

I hover over myself and see
all the destruction that comes out of me.
I can’t control my anger sometimes.
And I feel so sad when I see
myself being someone I don’t want to be.

My mind is a roller coaster of emotions and thoughts,
Is this reality mine or not?
I see things distorted and fear all the time,
that my friends will leave me
once they find their spine.
I hate all this and I want to isolate,
fearing the infliction of pain on the people I’ll hate.
Don’t worry in an hour my heart will burn again for them
And I’ll ask for forgiveness
again and again.

2 Likes

I’m so afraid of hurting other people. I’ve been finding myself not doing things I want to do or avoiding friendships I know would be awesome for fear of getting too close and putting unrealistic expectations on things, ruining everything like I always do.

Acting according to this thought is so hard. I’m sorry you’ve been struggling with it. It is a way to sabotage ourselves when we fear potential losses, as any type of engagement and trust implies a risk to lose all of it.

But somehow, being aware that you might put unrealistic expectations on others is actually a strength. Maybe in the past you weren’t aware of that. And, as you have explained this self-awareness, maybe there is something challenging right there that is actually worth to be experimented, because the context is different: you know yourself better. There is a power of anticipation right there. But also, a need to find some balance that would allow you to embrace a healthy anticipation, and not one that would be the result of an all-or-nothing type of thought.

Even when someone loves and supports me like my boyfriend, I’m still alone inside.

That is such a painful feeling. Though it makes sense, and it’s probably something that many of us have felt at some point. Once I have read about the difference between loneliness and solitude. Actually discussed that with a friend as well very recently. Loneliness is awful and really doesn’t depend on the circumstances around us. As you said so well, we can feel deeply alone while being with people who love us and manifest that love to us. But solitude on the other hand, can be an incredibly fulfilling experience, as it requires us to set an intention of meeting ourselves during times when we are likely to feel alone.

Doing things for you, taking up space and meeting your needs is part of it, of learning to embrace who you are and be a good company to yourself. So that’s why I’d like to encourage you to still give a try to the things that scare you, because the fears that you hold are only taking you away from meeting yourself in a more loving and graceful way. Yes, there might be pain, stress, anxiety and fears along the way. But these experiences would still be part of you and contribute to your growth. Not mentioning that erasing the possibility to take a risk erases entirely the possibility for it to actually be incredibly fulfilling and positive too.

You are not on your own either. You are not left alone. You have yourself and this self-awareness as your very first strength. But you can also count on us here to share friendly reminders when something might get too much for you.

What is this thing you’d like to sign up for, if I may ask? You don’t have to go into full details if you don’t want to. It’s just to understand a little more what it would require from you. :hrtlegolove:

3 Likes

This disorder is so complicated. Yes, I am aware, but it doesn’t mean I can stop it. Like my poem above says, I watch myself put unrealistic expectations on people I care about. I know what I’m doing and that just makes it worse.

I have no idea who I am and that is something I have been really trying to understand. Identity disturbance is pretty strong in me. I change who I am according to the situation I’m in or the person I’m with at the time. I’m not the same person to everyone if that makes sense.

This is a pretty good explanation, if you’re confused.

Identity disturbance is a term used to describe incoherence, or inconsistency, in a person’s sense of identity. This could mean that a person’s goals, beliefs, and actions are constantly changing.

It could also be that the person takes on personality traits of people around them, as they struggle to have and maintain their own identity.

I do take on personality traits of other people all the time. Sometimes, I catch myself and laugh. I was way over pronouncing my S’s a few months ago because the youtuber I was watching does it.

I want to get involved with Heart Support in some way. I feel like my life experiences and knowledge of my disorders would help others. It’s something I’ve wanted to do since I was a teenager and in talk therapy. I find great joy and a sense of purpose in helping others. My mother has been pushing me in this direction for a long time. I told her all about Heart Support and she wants to me try it.

I will be perfectly honest with you. I also have a lot of negative thoughts about it. Thoughts that they won’t want someone with BPD because I’m so unpredictable and for lack of better words, toxic.

When I dive in to something I’m interested in I usually dive into the deep end before I learn how to swim. I need to find a happy medium and remember my own self care. I forget that all the time. I’ve heard several mods here remind me to take some time for myself.

Thank you for your kinds words of encouragement and love. It’s an awesome feeling to be seen.

:hrtlegolove:

2 Likes

I want to get involved with Heart Support in some way.

It may be a bit different than what you envision (I don’t know? but it could be complementary who knows), but I was actually about to connect with you about something. I’ll DM you on Discord when I can. :hrtlovefist:

2 Likes

BIG TRIGGER WARNING… … rape stuff.
,
,
,
,
,
,

I was taking a shower and started thinking about things that happened when I was a little girl/teenager.

My father found me in the process of being beaten after I was raped when I was 8yrs old. He almost killed the guy. I will never forget those images, they are forever engraved in my mind.

Things changed between my dad and I. I had been his little girl and we spent a lot of time doing things together before it happened. I don’t remember a whole lot, but I remember being happy. After this happened, I don’t think he could deal with his own emotions and demons. It really messed him up pretty bad. I was emotionally abused from there on out.

During one of my stays in the the Garden (mental ward), I was in a group with a counselor and we talked about my rape. I was confused about some things, so she had me call my mother and ask her in private. My mother said something to me that crushed me to my core. She said, “oh, we never brought it up, but IF you did we would listen to you.” WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK??? Even when I did go to therapy for drug abuse when I was 16ish we never ever talked about my rape. I don’t even think the dude knew anything about it.

I remember when I was around 13-14, I had a hiding place in my bedroom where I kept my poems about sex and I would hide empty cans of beer I would steal from my dad’s supply. I internalized all my emotions and this is how it came out… confusion about sex and substance abuse.

My father found that hiding place and wrote a poem in the last page of the note pad I was writing about sex in. I don’t remember the whole thing, but this line from it has never been forgotten, “drinks beer by the glass and writes about ass” He has never to this day brought it up, we have never talked about this.

You know what I realized when I was in the shower today? IF THEY HAD ADDRESSED MY RAPE AND GIVEN ME A HEATHLY WAY TO EXPRESS MYSELF AND HEAL… maybe there wouldn’t have been a hiding place for my confusion.

How do you not get your little girl who was raped and beaten help?

Then I think, ok this was back in the 70s when people had no clue about therapy and BPD. No one talked about sexual assault and it just wasn’t the same as it is now.

So, I don’t know how to process this right now. Is there anyone to blame here?

3 Likes

Blame is a strong word in a gray area where no one is quite sure what to do about their feelings. That doesn’t change the fact that what happened sucked and was a poor response. You hit everything on the head here.

As for processing it, maybe write a letter to your dad with no intention to send it. Tell him everything you felt, how he made you feel, how he hurt you, everything you can say in a few hours with a pen and paper. It doesn’t have to be cohesive or grammatically correct, it’s essentially a diary entry addressed to your dad, but do it with intention and do it from the depths of your fucked up emotions. Just let it all out on the paper. I’d say that’s a start. Whenever I’ve bled my soul out on paper, I’ve often been surprised to find patterns and solutions.

It breaks my heart that he wasn’t there for you when you needed him most. Can you feel a hug from where you’re sitting? :hrtlegolove:

2 Likes

I’m so sorry for what happened, but also for how your dad handled - or not - the situation with you afterwards. Not only being sexually assaulted feels like a life sentence, but the lack of real support afterwards adds a pain that shouldn’t exist in an ideal world.

You’re right about the fact that this topic wasn’t addressed the same way in the 70s. Therapy was not perceived the same way, and there are pros and cons on this matter for each decade. However, when it’s about sexual assaults, even if paradoxically the subject seems to be discussed more on public places, it remains very difficult to address in private ones. Parents are often unequipped when it’s about dealing with traumatic situations that their children are facing. Both regarding their ability to understand, but also their willingness to get out of their own comfort zone in order to give the support that their child needs. What makes something understandable though doesn’t make it excusable. I’m sorry you had to be self-reliant during times when you needed your parents the most.

My mother was victim of rape and abuse herself when she was a child but always let me know about it in ways that were not very direct. However, it resulted for her into a real inability to acknowledge my own traumas and the pain she caused as a mother. There was no space to be heard, including when it was about being assaulted by someone. We could expect that someone who actually went through this would be more inclined to listen and understand… but denial can be strong, and unfortunately if someone is not ready to face the pain and hurt that such horrible situations cause, then they can behave in ways that are absolutely nonsense and unfair, including with their own children.

What is sure is that parents have a responsibility and a duty regarding the safety of their children. They need to be there, to be a safe presence, to nurture them and protect them. Acknowledging that our own parents failed at assuming this responsibility is a real heartbreak. Being aware of all that could have been “if only they did this or that”, is really painful as well. My heart goes out to you.

You have a great sense of self-awareness and you are putting some pieces of the puzzle together. It’s like getting rid of a band-aid on a really deep wound. It hurts. But it’s also needed to finally heal from all the things that remain unsaid, unseen, and ignored.

What you’ve been through as a teenager and the behavior you developped make sense. You survived as you could after something traumatic and brutal that didn’t make any sense. You just tried to cope and find ways to express all of the emotions you internalized, because there was no space for them. It had to take a lot of strength, energy and perseverance to thrive during those years. It probably felt differently at the time. But now you can also see how strong you were, even in the midst of pain and confusion.

3 Likes

Hi @Micro :hrtlegolove:

Thank you so much for taking the time with everyone to reply with such grace, wisdom and honesty. It’s very much appreciated and seen.

My father and I are actually in a better place right now than we have since I was a little girl. We regularly communicate, have our own inside jokes, I ask him how to fix stuff around the house (even if I know how to cuz my mother told me how much he loves it) and he has educated himself (with my help) about BPD and I can see him making an effort.

So, I think by doing that it shows me that he loves me and I honestly don’t want to put things in a bad place between us, by bringing it all back to the surface again. I’m not sure if that’s the healthiest way to deal with it, but it’s the way I want to deal with it right now.

His mother had BPD and he lived in poverty growing up. His father was murdered and his sister was 15yrs older than him. He was pretty alone, so as an adult I see why he was the way he was. Doesn’t excuse it by one bit, but I see now how much pain he was in.

When I reflect on my mother and how she treated me, the only words that come to my head are, “didn’t have faith in me” I remember she had a project for a teacher she worked with and had to draw something. My father was like, “oh Lizzy can do that for you!” My mom was like, “are you sure, I don’t think she can.” I ended up doing it for her and it turned out great. Now, she knows probably more about BPD than I do and she is my rock, so I wonder if she has realized the cause of mine.

One thing about my father that is positive that I should acknowledge is that he had faith in me. He told me I could do anything I wanted if I tried. He encouraged me to try new things all the time. He’s was just an asshole in everything else.

Thank you, you gave me a lot to think about :hrtlegolove:

2 Likes

I don’t see the world around me like everyone else. It’s distorted with paranoia, delusions, intense emotions and unhealthy impulses… Even knowing all those things, there is never a moment when I’m not afraid that the people in my life hate me or are just trying to avoid me. I try so hard to fight those thoughts, but they just come back. They always come back…

I feel like I’m being tortured from the constant arguing in my head. I scream inside my head for it to stop. I know that my family loves me, I know this… I know that I have friends online that love me, I know this.

I’m so afraid of my impulses and loosing everything I care about.

I found this today, so I’m putting it here to remind me.

I love this.

2 Likes

Love this. Drawing is a beautiful way to be more present. With coloring, it has been my go-to for a little while now. I hope this could help you whenever you need! :hrtlegolove:

2 Likes

I have a bunch of adult coloring books I color in when my hands let me. As teenager I adapted my own coping skills without even knowing what I was doing.

Like writing the words to a favorite song on my book cover and reading it if I had an anxiety attack during class to distract myself. Or and this is very strange lol, but I draw Ts. I start with a capital i in the center of the page and I connect capital Ts to it, but I can’t connect a T to the top of the T, it has to be from the trunk lol. I know it’s freaking weird but, I’ve done it since I was like 13 and it helps me calm down lol

2 Likes

You are not hidden
There’s never been a moment
You were forgotten
You are not hopeless
Though you have been broken
Your innocence stolen

I hear you whisper underneath your breath
I hear your SOS, your SOS

I will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
It’s true, I will rescue you

There is no distance
That cannot be covered
Over and over
You’re not defenseless
I’ll be your shelter
I’ll be your armor

I hear you whisper underneath your breath
I hear your SOS, your SOS

I will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
It’s true, I will rescue you
I will never stop marching to reach you
In the middle of the hardest fight
It’s true, I will rescue you

I hear the whisper underneath your breath
I hear you whisper, you have nothing left

I will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
It’s true, I will rescue you
I will never stop marching to reach you
In the middle of the hardest fight
It’s true, I will rescue you

Oh, I will rescue you