Do they not realize that part of my brain that controls my impulses and decisions isn’t developed all the way? Do they not realize that the part of my brain that controls my emotions is hypersensitive? Do they know what type of emotional roller coaster I am on 24/7? I suffer, I suffer so much.
What you describe is very true. And not only for when someone struggles with borderline traits, but also more generally for every human being. In our societies that promote self-empowerement, we’ve been quite intolerant with emotions in general… which brings quite many people to believe that emotions are made to be controlled. Believing that is, in my opinion, a foolish thought. Emotions can’t be controlled really. However, we can absolutely become the observer of our thoughts and emotions and, that way, learn how to react and respond to those emotions, especially when they are very intense.
I’m sorry you were told that somehow a diagnosis is a solution in itself. It kind of diminishes and invalidates the sublteties and reality of your inner experience, which is not fair. Not only becoming aware of a diagnosis is not a quick fix, but it also doesn’t give all the answers regarding how it affects us, as individuals holding unique stories. It’s the big difference between having a personality disorder and not being a personality disorder. It’s part of the complexity that makes you the unique human being that you are. But it doesn’t define you as if reading about it would make it all suddenly understandable. It’s a step further. A tool to learn to progress, grow and move on, which is very different from what you’ve been told.
People crave for labels that help them understand something without having to dive into it too deeply. Unfortunately, ones experience can never be fully understood by others. But you still have the power to share yours, with your own words and point of view. And, in my humble opinion, you do it very well right here. What you describe comes from your heart. It’s a raw expression of yourself with a lot of subtelties. People who don’t understand would probably be the one who don’t really want to.
I can relate to a lot of the things you describe, minus the urges for self-destruction. But the way you feel for others, the fears that you have, this sensation to be extremely vulnerable all the time, the fear of being too much or not enough and lead others to leave… I feel that, a lot, although I’ve learned to understand, just like you with BPD, that for me it stems from complex PTSD. And I just want to virtually sit next to you, tell you that I understand how exhausting it is to feel like walking on eggshells constantly, to feel unsafe and vulnerable as if just a feather on your skin would hurt you. I hear you.
Then there is the wall I’ve been involved in. I love helping other people, but I fail to apply my own support to myself. I say things from my own experiences that I need someone to say to me.
I’ve struggled with this from time to time for being on the Wall for two years now. I felt like a big hypocrite sometimes. But honestly, what I’ve noticed too is that helping others and actually sharing the care I have for others, has still an effect on me. It’s just slow and difficult to see at first. But being around and sharing loving reminders is not without any effect. We also read and acknowledge what we say, even if we don’t adress it to ourselves directly. It’s still very real and present.
There’s this saying that people who hurt the most are the ones who want to pour the most love into others, because they know how it feels to be alone, to not have any support, to not have anyone saying “I love you” when they need it. I believe it’s true that tough life experiences make some people more eager to share love.
The love and care you provide here is very much appreciated. But please, know that we are here for you as well. And don’t be ashamed of taking time for yourself too. We all do. And that is even more important if you tend to feel what others feel. This can be very quickly overwhelming. It’s okay to take breaks, to breathe, to recharge away from the ugliness of this world, from others struggles as well. There’s always a time and a place for everything.
I appreciate you and am grateful for your presence. You bring a lot of goodness around here. Just take it easy when you need to. This community is here and is not moving. You belong here, whether you give love, ask for support, or just share life on the other platforms (Twitch, Discord).