There are so many things I hate about myself, especially right now. The things I’ve done that hurt people just feel like they will haunt me forever, and honestly they should. I don’t know if I can ever forgive myself, and I don’t believe I deserve forgiveness. I’m not saying that to get sympathy or empathy, they’re just my honest thoughts. Even just reaching out right now I feel is wrong, because someone else in my life is hurting so much worse. I don’t know, I just needed to put this out there… get out of my own head a little bit.
Thank you for reading and for letting exist me here despite who I am and what I’ve done,
Alex
Alex, I get where you are coming from. Feeling unworthy of forgiveness because you have hurt someone. I know that I feel that way right now in my marriage. It’s hard to forgive others but I think it is harder to forgive yourself. I know your not looking for sympathy or empathy but I thought you should know I am grateful for your post. I am happy that you got it out.
I also want you to know that you are more than worthy of forgiveness. I don’t know what you did but I do know that people have worth. That if I see worth in others, especially the ones I love, than that means that I also have worth. It wouldn’t make sense that I’m the only person who doesn’t have any worth.
You are worth it.
You are forgivable.
You are loved.
I can really relate. I have hurt people the worst they’ve ever been hurt, lied to them, deceived them, and most often, not apologized to them.
However, just recently I realized something - hurting yourself or feeling like you deserve punishment or don’t deserve forgiveness just makes it worse. Often times it just continues the cycle of hurt, subconsciously or consciously.
Once you can learn to at least stop hating yourself over what you’ve done as much, you can begin on the path of healing. Recognize patterns of hurting people and put a stop to them as soon as you begin to do it, and it will become second nature. Keeping guilt and hatred towards yourself on the inside only keeps the baggage with you forever and ultimately does nothing good for you.
Thank you so much for your kind and encouraging reponse @mama_cass720. Honestly, it’s so hard for me to believe these things… but I also know somewhere that you’re right. it doesn’t make sense if I’m the only one without worth. I never thought about it that way. and yes exactly, it’s just that much harder to forgive myself. Thanks for being here <3
Thanks for all the truth you’re revealing to me, truly. What you said about recognizing patterns of hurting people and stopping them is so so important. You’re absolutely right about that. Yeah… it just sucks to have been such a terrible person to someone else, more than anyone else in their life, especially when the truth is that you love, you know? Thanks so much friend, I really appreciate you.
Coming from the other side (being the one who was hurt), I know for me personally, when she apologized and owned up to what she did I was able to move on and that helped her as well. We did not become friends again, but at least neither of us are hurting from the betrayal anymore. I don’t know your situation but maybe think about trying to make amends. They may never forgive you but that is their choice. Knowing you tried to make things right may give you some peace of mind. Everyone is different so this advice may not work for you, and I am no expert, but we’re here if you need to talk about it. Don’t be so hard on yourself. We’re all just human and make mistakes (even big ones) but that doesn’t mean we are terrible people. Much love to you!
Really appreciate your response to me. Yeah… I am hoping that at the least, one day both of us won’t hurt so much from what I’ve done. Mhmm, it does help a little bit to know that I’m doing the best I can right now to reach out and apologize. Thank you for your kindness towards me when I honestly feel I don’t deserve it.
Something that helps me to think in the now and not in the past, and relish what I have at this very moment:
There is a story of a woman running away from tigers. She runs and runs and the tigers are getting closer and closer. When she comes to the edge of a cliff, she sees some vines there, so she climbs down and holds on to the vines. Looking down, she sees that there are tigers below her as well. She then notices that a mouse is gnawing away at the vine to which she is clinging. She also sees a beautiful little bunch of strawberries close to her, growing out of a clump of grass. She looks up and she looks down. She looks at the mouse. Then she just takes a strawberry, puts it in her mouth, and enjoys it thoroughly. Tigers above, tigers below. This is actually the predicament that we are always in, in terms of our birth and death. Each moment is just what it is. It might be the only moment of our life; it might be the only strawberry we’ll ever eat. We could get depressed about it, or we could finally appreciate it and delight in the preciousness of every single moment of our life.― Pema Chödrön, The Wisdom of No Escape: How to Love Yourself and Your World
Hello Alex, I want to share with you that I have felt this way about things I have done too. The biggest thing that set me upon the path of self forgiveness asnd letting go of the shame and guilt circling around things I have done, was when someone directly said to me that I didn’t need to, that I have a good heart.
I didn’t believe them at first but I sat with it, thought about it and over time, unpacked why I had done those things as I began to find the hidden reasons. Understanding where I came from and they why of my actions helped me to forgive myself.
So I am going to say to you…
Alex, you do not need to hold on to this guilt and shame. You have a good heart. <3
Hey Alex, it’s a tough spot. Forgiveness can be complicated, and forgiving yourself feels like a whole different thing to learn. What I know about forgiveness is that it doesn’t really work in terms of deserving or not, but it’s mostly about trying to make things better. Fixing or making things better for the person you hurt sure helps in the proccess, and it’s never wrong to try to make things better (sadly, sometimes the best you can do to help is step away, but I hope it’s not your case), but it’s better if forgiving doesn’t depend on fixing things (but that’s something one can only impose on themselves).
As someone who’s been in a similiar place, I wish I could say more to help. Reach out whenever you think it might help.
I am right there with you, knowing that I hurt someone that I care so much about. The most important thing you can do is work through forgiving yourself, and in humility ask for forgiveness from the other person. Lay it all down at your feet and realize that unfortunately, what you have done cannot be taken back. But, you can do everything in your power to make it right. Humble yourself, which you seem to already be doing, which is very commendable!
Work on making yourself a stronger and more empathetic person, people will see a difference, I promise.