I posted a little while back about my boyfriend finding out what kind of treatment they were going to do for his shoulder. Tomorrow, he goes in for outpatient, orthopedic surgery. So, it’s not major surgery which we are both happy about. He isn’t even nervous about it and is excited to get this taken care of. He’s been in so much pain for a long time.
He isn’t worried, so it’s irrational for me to be and for the most part I’m not, but I having moments where intrusive thoughts and voices are taking over telling me pretty horrible things that can happen while he’s “under the knife.” Or how he’ll be sleeping on the 40 min drive home and I’ll crash and kill him. Or that I won’t be able to handle doing everything around the house or be able to take care of him…blah, blah, blah…
It’s just upsetting and frustrating because I know it’s not true but I can’t stop the thoughts and voices from coming. I can only cope during and after and I’m really trying to keep my shit together. Sometimes, It’s just easier to give in, but I’m fighting. I don’t want him to stress about me because he needs to be in a positive state of mind and not focused on keeping me stable. I’m very mindful of his mental health and that’s too much for him.
So, I’m looking to my heart support family for some encouragement or advice to keep it together.
Can you use the logic that you’ve driven along that road/route many times without a single incident before? That you have already taken care of the home stuff when he went away for a weekend or when he was feeling ill before?
I’m glad his surgery isn’t a major one. Be gentle with yourself, friend. Know that you can indeed take care of things while he recovers, and remember how much stuff you’ve accomplished over the years
Let out all your feelings and fears here, think of it as handing us all the worries, and we’ll take of it for you!
I know making lists helps you, so maybe you can list all the stuff that will need attention while he recovers, plan some fun meals, use the energies that are going into worries and channel them from “I’m afraid this is going to happen” to “this is how I’m gonna make sure it doesn’t”.
Check the car, get enough rest before yo drive – makes you the good driver that YOU ARE!
Make grocery list, meds list, etc – makes you remember all the stuff you gotta have to help your partner be comfy
Wishing you both well, and you know this but I’ll remind you! You got this friend, and you are very loved and appreciated. Keep us updated! big hug
Thank you. Using logic helps when the head stuff starts, yes. It’s kind of like I have to argue back with it and lately 99% of the time my side wins. I have to deal with the residue after and sometimes that’s hard because I start obsessing about it. Then, end up believing it and that’s where I fall apart, so I’m trying really hard not to get there.
I smiled when you brought up lists because you are right haha. I’m all ready. House is pretty good, food in the kitchen, brownies cooling off etc.
Just to add to the wonderful words of @Sita - Is there a small object you could keep with you for when you’d be outside or driving? Something that you could whether hold in your hand so you could feel it, or that you could place somewhere you can see. As you’ve mentioned that using logic helps, and as I imagine that this would be more difficult during the stressful moment, having a visual (and physical) reminder of that need for logic could be a good thing to keep with you when you can’t write things down. Just a reminder to try to breathe and start working on turning on a mental switch, if that makes sense. When our mind wanders too far, it’s good to have something to remind us to slow down.
In any case, you got this, and you will be okay. Your boyfriend too! This is going to be such a relief in the long run to get rid of what’s been causing so much pain.
Taking something along to touch that grounds me is actually a brilliant idea! I do that at home, why not on the road? I’m smiling right now, thank you
I’m actually feeling peaceful this morning. We talked about stuff last night because it was negatively effecting me and I’ve promised him that I would communicate with him when I’m having a rough time. Just getting it out and hearing how ok he is and thinking about what @sita talked about really helped me. Putting positive energy into this instead of wasting that energy on the doom and gloom is the way to go. It’s too exhausting and it’s unnecessary.
We are home and he did great. Everything went smoothly and I really didn’t have any problems. I think I slipped into caretaker girl and bpd girl went away lol. Anyway, all is groovy in the city.
Brownies are the hallmark of being prepped and ready