It feels like a needle inside of me, like my body just rejected everything. I feel…off, different. Something’s missing, something important. Friends? Check. People who genuinely care? Double check. I feel no loyalty to me name right now, I only feel a need to fully replace what I am, to let someone else have my face and my body, and just let me rest. Dissociation personality sounds like gold to me right now, almost as if my mind craves to simply not exist. Can’t kill myself, the guilt and fear keep holding me back. So why not be something else, just let another person take control of me. I am after all, just a disappointment. Something just to leave behind, a toy. God doesn’t seem to help me, despite my pleas.
Make me wonder if its because he doesn’t ’ exist, or just because I deserve it. Whatever I have done must be deserved, I can only say that. I don’t need anyone to tell me god loves me or whatever, it just sounds disingenuous, unoriginal. And all of us are on here to make each other feel like someone cares.After all, we all want others to hear our stories, to simply be understood. Only reason why things like the zodiac, Hogwarts houses, or the Myers-Briggs test exist. Pretty much all personality tests you ever will take just one vague, similar-ish personality and romanticizes it. Of course, personality tests rely on the Barnum effect in order to be profitable (despite never using any evidence).Truly, they are bogus. It makes me realize just how little truly see, how everything is based on our perspective. As put greatly by someone, “seeing is Believing”. Well said
Hey friend. Sorry that you are having a hard time right now. I can relate to the feeling of not wanting people to say “God loves you” - I know people are genuine when they say it and just want to help, but I am not religious so for me, I prefer people to speak for themselves if they want to share comfort. As often religious comfort doesn’t always help or makes me feel worse. So I get it. <3
I don’t really know what to say here completely but I wanted you to know that I read your post. I see you. And I hope that you are able to find strength and courage to reach out to places and resources that maybe could help you on your journey. Whether that’s therapy, self help books, hotlines, friends or whatever.
Just know that you matter. You are important. I know we say that a lot around here but its true. I encourage you to join the discord if you havent already. Lots of people there to connect with. Join us in the live streams. And there is also a bunch of links here: https://heartsupport.com/resources/ that maybe could be of help to you.
You are not a disappointment friend. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Okay?
Much love friend. I hope that you get feeling better.
It sounds that you’ve been in a moment of intense self-reflection when you posted this. Obviously I don’t know what makes you feel like you’d be a disappointment, but I guess there are objective reasons, outside yourself, that you could identify. Being a disappointment isn’t what is defining you. It’s not who you are. But I hear and I respect the fact that you may feel like this right now.
Sometimes those moments of doubt, when we tend to question everything and try to find the pieces of ourselves that are missing, can be healthy, needed. Even though it’s disturbing to go through that kind of moment and seek for some meaning, explanations. I hope that you’ll manage to walk on a path towards your own growth, thanks to this moment, and maybe others that would be similar. Just know that you are not alone in this. We’re here to support you as well. And I’m glad you posted this. Of course we want to be heard, to be seen, to see that we are loved and cared for. It’s natural, it’s human, it’s needed.
I hope you’re doing okay. Hope you’re resting. My DMs are open to you anytime you need to talk. About you, or anything. I’m willing to listen.
You’re not a “toy”, and certainly not to just leave behind. You matter. Your voice and your story matter.