Bit of a suicidal post i guess

[echo]

i think it’s getting to a point where i don’t even want my parents to see me. i’ve started wearing a mask whenever i’m not in my room. why do i have to hate myself so much?

also my moms feeling better from her cancer and she’s started being a bitch to me again. it makes me not want to leave my room even more. tired of getting yelled at for stupid things that aren’t even true. her sickness is karma for treating everybody around her like shit her entire life, but if i ever said that to anybody, they’d hate me.

I wish i could sell my soul and emotions along with it. it’d be so much easier

i cant cry a lot anymore, it’s hard. little things like this help though. i spiral into knowing i have nothing to offer to life and knowing that i eventually end up hurting everything and everyone around me. i end up writing suicide notes to my family and my few friends and those who i wished i could’ve been friends with are mentioned sometimes too. all of the things i wish i could’ve done, all of the things and emotions i wanted to experience. it all just hurts so bad. not having any reason to be here, not having anybody you feel like cared about you at all. my sister in law and brother and sister have all said that they care about me and if i need anything that they’re there (they’re talking about because my moms cancer) but they don’t deserve to feel the way i always feel. they don’t deserve to know the pain of hating their own life so much that they’d want to take it. but what would they think if i took mine? would they be disappointed ? upset ? i wouldn’t want them to be. if finally be okay and free of everything that troubles me. no matter where i end up, elysium or tartarus, i wouldn’t feel the pain that i feel now… and that’s all that i want. i just want to feel what it’s like to be gone. i’m just tired of being the problem. every friend i make, i end up hurting or annoying. i give too much affection to my cats and they even end up hating me so i shouldn’t bother them either with my existence. they’d probably be fine. maybe if i put in my letter that i want my dad to keep them and not give them to a shelter then he would… they’d be happier without me trying to pick them up and/or pet them every ten seconds… everyone would be happier without me interfering in their lives. i’ll slowly leave. i’ll get older maybe and i’ll just disappear. maybe i’ll make it seem like an accident. who knows? none of them will ever know any of what i feel or think… i hate this

[disabledmetalfan]

@echo
My friend I am so sorry you are feeling like this is your only answer to these things. I do before I dive into stuff want to say thank you for sharing this stuff with us. You did reach out and that is a big step.

Okay for the stuff with the parents seeing you and wearing a mask I feel that. So many people in my own life do not know how I am feeling in moments but I have those few I am 100% truthful with but they may not be the closest to me. I also will say that having that safe space for you to be open is important. Perhaps somewhere to be honest is here. That wont be able to stop stuff but it allows you to form the words you want to say and share them. Sometimes for me personally I have to stop and write out how I am feeling because if not I end up in a worse place.

For the stuff with your mom that is the hardest because any parent going through cancer and such they have a tendency to forget to be the nicest and I am sorry you are stuck with the blunt of that. I wish it was easier but it wont be for awhile. I highly kind of suggest you share with your siblings how she is treating you because they dont get to see that. They are offering you help and support for the situation but they may not realize how bad she is being at you.

I want you to know that as much as it seems no one would care if you are not here that is not the truth. Each of your siblings would find a hole in the place of where you sit now. They may not show it right now but until you are not close by or near them you wont know. Its a struggle because you deserve to feel that right now. I have experienced the emotions that come with desiring to just not feel any more. To not be hurt by others and I still constantly go through it too. It isnt easy because you deserve better and you know that but others arent seeing it. I am so sorry. People in our world arent the nicest and it sucks. But only way to change it is to be here to show others the better ways. To allow them to change. You are not too much for here. You are just as important as others. I care a lot friend.

Hold fast
Ash

[Wings]

In my experience, cats tend to hate any expression of affection that wasn’t their idea. So, don’t take your cat’s attitude personally.

I’m sorry that you feel so badly, and I appreciate that you stopped by here and invested trust in us. I hope we live up to it. This is a place to come, if you wish to experience some genuine compassion.

My impression is that you have a lot of pent-up sadness, anger, and despair. Such feelings have a very detrimental effect on how we see the people and circumstances around us. Too often, the circumstances and the behavior of people around us cause us to have those negative feelings. So, we end up with a repeating pattern of negative thoughts.

If I am reading between the lines here accurately, it seems that you are surrounded by people who have expectations of you that are not entirely reasonable, and they have made assumptions about who they think you are, or should be. Then they act hurt or disappointed, when you don’t live up to their expectations. It’s very common for such emotional blackmail to occur within families.

I think this has led you to believe that you end up “hurting everything and everyone” around you. It’s important for you to realize that you are not hurting anyone around you. Others are responsible for their own choice of feelings and reactions, not you.

Consider, do you want to end your life, or would you be happier simply to be away from your unhappy circumstances. I don’t think you will be stuck in your current situation forever. I would rather see you stubbornly hang in there until you have the opportunity to embrace new circumstances.

If you’re patient, you will experience a lot more happy moments eventually.

That you don’t feel cared for, doesn’t mean that others don’t care for you. Often, people are not good at showing that they care, and they may actually become more distant because they feel helpless to help you feel better.

I hope you keep checking back in here, so we can know how you’re doing.