Blurred memory of sexual abuse

[Amiii]

Hi ,

I think my past is finally effecting me. For years and years I carried a secret of sexual abuse and I buried the memory deep so that I was a lot less effected by it. When I met my long time partner it came up a few times and he was amazing at being accepting of how I was with certain things. Eventually, I told him everything in detail and again he was so good and understanding.

I have always had a bad relationship with my mum and I think the two things are linked. However it mostly happened when I was 5 and so I don’t have clear memories of anything anymore.

My best mate went through the same thing with me , with the same people, so I know what happened from some brief conversations with her. But before she moved to where I lived I had something’s happen to me that I really can’t remember clearly.
I have a clear memory of finding a graffic picture of me with the people involved an i angrily ripped it up and got rid of it so I have no evidence.

Is this real? How would I find out?

Worst thing is , my mum let this happen to me as I’m pretty sure she was there , when said photo was taken. Again no way of knowing for sure.
Do I talk to my mum about this ? I haven’t spoken to her in years but she has been trying to connect to me again. I struggle not to blame her, we have never got on and I just don’t feel anything towards her. But for the sake of my sister , I don’t want to feel like this forever.

I asked my partner his thoughts and he thinks I should not blame her for these things that happened and I can’t blame her for something so long ago. But I don’t know.

[TheRats]

I actually have the same experience as this. I have a lot of repressed traumatic memories, and sometimes, I can’t tell if they’re dreams or if they’re real memories. It sucks, and sometimes you really can’t figure out if this is real or not. Sometimes you just have to accept that some of your memories are going to be blurry. And that’s okay. That’s a trauma response. Your brain is trying to protect you, even if it doesn’t work so well. If you really want to know, then you should probably ask your mom, but if she makes you uncomfortable, you don’t have to.

[Amiii]

So sorry to hear you have this too. It can be so frustrating. Thank you for sharing with me .
I dream alot and very realistic too so it’s even more likely my memories could all be off.
Which is why I wonder…
Is it worth telling my sister? I don’t want to burden her with my pain, but I also think she might understand why I can’t talk to mum as well as she can due to this past.
Or is it best to leave the secret with me forever and slowly get to a point where I can at least be in the same room as my mum for the sake of future nieces/ nephews?