Bpd and relapsing pt2

last time i was here i still had my good friend, and a solid friend group in real life. i lost all of it recently. only two online friends from that group are still here as well as my partner

i accidentally built up that i wasn’t hurting myself or doing anything bad for THEM, and so when given the opportunity to go back onto nicotine and constant drinking, it came. and i accepted.

i’m losing my mind currently, the lack of social interaction has absolutely killed me, my partner is also struggling with their mental health, and i am too which is making us have a terrible time together.

ive been trying to ignore the urge to hurt myself heavily, doing anything i can and now its just popping up to such a severe degree, its all i can think about.

i’ve tried to cope with the normal methods and nothings working.

whats worse is, i cant really tell anyone, otherwise i get the same “oh youre doing well, dont do it” which just reinforces its not for ME.

i dont know how to find a reason to continue to stay clean for myself and not for other people

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Hello there,
Thank you for posting and sharing your feelings with us! Can you imagine a version of you a year from now? What habits do you want that person to have?

Can you stay clean for that person, so that they don’t have to deal with it?

Do you have a therapist to help you with these issues? Maybe they can also give you some updated tricks and tips to ground and center yourself, to practice mindfulness to try to give yourself some moments of calm.

Have you tried to pour your energies into art or something creative? If you keep yourself busy and occupied, would that help distract you from the urges?

i didnt consider the first half of questions, sadly i do not have access to a therapist as of current, and i’m in a state of burnout from art, but ive been trying to continue to create. thank you. ill think about these things

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we’re here for you and this is a safe space for you to express yourself. Keep in touch with us, if you’re comfortable with that!

Maybe you can use some online resources to remind you that there are others out there who are having some similar feelings due to their diagnosis. I know BPD can feel isolating and make you feel alone, but I want you to know that you have us.

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Hey @oneforyouoneforme I have BPD too and I’m really sorry you’re having a difficult time with self harm. I 100% understand what you are going thru. You’re not alone at all.

I self harmed for a long time and I was addicted to it. It helped me feel something other than the emptiness in my soul and it helped me not feel as well when the hurricane of emotions and thought loops were just too much. It was also a way to unconsciously show my pain, which I later found out is different from attention seeking.

It was very hard to quit doing it and I still struggle to this day with urges. I quit doing it because my son threw away my tool after my last attempt and it told me that he didn’t want me to leave him. For years I told everyone that I was staying clean for him, so I didn’t hurt him.

Recently, I’ve changed my thinking about that. I’m doing it for me now.

When I think back all those years ago, I remember how my mind worked. I would cut and feel relief for 5 minutes and then the shame would set in. The self critic would start in my head and tell me that once again I failed to stay safe and broke promises to whoever and just felt like a piece of shit about myself.

You know what the worst part of all it was?

Self harm makes things worse. I can honestly look at each of the hundreds of scars on my body and tell you that not one of them helped me thru anything.

You know what has worked? Educating myself and learning how to manage my BPD without therapy. I just started real therapy last week, but I know a ton about BPD now from educating myself.

I learned a ton from one guy on youtube named Dr. Daniel Fox. He is an expert on BPD and he is really great. I would highly recommend checking his channel out. We just have to learn how to think differently, that’s all. You don’t have to wait for therapy to start learning how.

You matter and you are loved

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oh, thank you for the recommendation, ill look into him :slight_smile:

Cool. I hope the other stuff in my reply was helpful as well.