Brain dump

[nicole_kaley]

Hey, hope you’re well.
Have had a reflective day today, thinking mostly about the awful on my past. I don’t think I reflect on the bad things from my past as often, and didn’t intend to today, it just sort of happened.

As I’m typing this, I’m realizing how much I’ve written on Heartsupport over the years, telling people my deepest darkest moments. I can recall where I was when reading the replies on each of my topics, my husband says I have a gift for having a great memory. I take it as a very big compliment, I’m proud of myself for having such a good memory. I believe it came from a trauma response, training myself to remember every single detail so if my mom ever said I was lying about something, I could tell her the exact minute/date/week/year/quote…even tho she’d still say I was lying lol I carry it with me like a gift now. Sometimes it’s a curse, but at the end of the day, I’m very grateful for my sharp memory.

I talked to my brother on the phone last week, the first time I’ve heard his voice since this past January. I am pushing him away on purpose. Every time I talk to him, it triggers me so much and for weeks after talking to him, I’ll have vivid flashbacks to memories with my parents. It’s not his fault, and I feel bad but is it bad that I really don’t care at this point? Am I an awful person? The only reason I called him was cuz he broke up with his girlfriend and I wanted to make sure he was okay. Talking to him made me feel misunderstood and defensive. “No one gets me” I cried to my husband afterwards.

I got a new nannying job, when I was meeting the family at their house, I realized I’ve had a dream about this family before. I had the dream about a year ago, it was the EXACT same scenario I was in, it was crazy. I told my husband and he later told me my experiences with the supernatural/spiritualism have opened him up to believing that sort of thing. I took it as a big compliment, since my spiritual/paranormal encounters are exciting to me, even if they seem too weird for other people. I told my in laws about the family/dream and they looked at me kinda weird, but I didn’t take it personally.

I lost weight, I’m underweight now. I feel too triggered to weigh myself and get really paranoid when I do, it brings back memories of my mom making me weigh myself and berating me. I don’t miss her. I don’t miss my dad either. Or my sister. They’re nonexistent to me, yet there memories live rent free in my head, I’m trying to do everything in my power to stop that. I wonder if it’ll actually stop.

On a scale of 1-5, 1 being horrible and 5 being amazing, I’d say I’m a comfortable 3. I’ve been a 3 for a while now, which I’m very grateful for. I think this time last year, I’d say I was a -3, so a win is a win🕯️

[djstarion]

Hey @nicole_kaley

It’s great to see you!

This part really stuck out at me:

They’re nonexistent to me, yet there memories live rent free in my head, I’m trying to do everything in my power to stop that. I wonder if it’ll actually stop.

So I’ve been like that for a long time. My extended family is the one that’s basically nonexistent to me, my immediate family is who have been tight with me, and now that’s only my sister’s family. I try to get all the trauma from my extended family out of my head, but it’s SO hard to. It’s gotten easier over time, but it’s not completely gone. One small thing and it spirals.

The memory thing always interested me too. That’s truly a gift. There’s a coach in the NFL, Sean McVay, and he’s got a knack for remembering every single play he’s ever coached. It’s truly impressive, and honestly I’m a bit jealous! I have a pretty good memory, and honestly if I had the opportunity to forget things, I wouldn’t. Because I learned something from each of those tough times.

I’m so SO proud of you though, Nicole! Going from -3 to 3 is DEFINITELY a win! There’s a lot to be proud of, and seeing your journey through your posts, you kinda see your progression, and it’s amazing to see

[TheTogah]

Hi @nicole_kaley,

Thanks so much for posting. And for being a member of the community! Let’s talk about how far you’ve come and the fact that you are able to recognize those things. That’s a HUGE deal!! One thing I have learned from going to therapy and working on myself is that we as humans all spend a lot of time in two different places. The past, and the future. I can personally find myself neglecting the place where all of the life happens - the present. It can be so hard to work on being present in the moment. I’ve had to consciously spend time reminding myself that I should be there while continuing to build upon what I have learned about myself from the things I have been through.

That being said, another thing I have learned from therapy is we get to choose the level of relationship we have with family. Your feelings are all around valid. -3 to a solid 3 is very good ground that you have covered. What’s helped me and I can see is helping you in small part is recognizing the work, and accomplishments we have made while remembering to be as grounded in the part where life takes part - the present. I believe that you can continue to move that needle to a 5, and you are well on your way.

Keep working on it!

[sbrent]

Hello @nicole_kaley,
It is amazing how the mind chooses to revisit the negative past even in our best moments. This is why it is important to embrace and hold on tightly to those beautiful moments and not be derailed by the things of our past. So, I just want to commend you for moving forward despite of the constant let downs and disappointments. In closing, celebrate your great abilities and remember to keep pressing on even when it is difficult!!!

[aj1313]

Hey nicole_kaley !!

I’m new around here, so I haven’t seen any of your previous posts, but I’m glad I came across this one because I’m seeing a ton of success stories here. I’ll extend to you a heartfelt “Well Played” for the progress that I’m feeling you’ve made over the years. Reading that you’ve gone from a -3 to a 3 in a year … that’s an astronomical level of positive change in a super short time. You should be super proud of yourself for that.

Your husband sounds very supportive of your blessing / curse memory gift and spiritual / paranormal beliefs and that sounds like an amazing positive. Finding someone that loves and supports you for you is a really hard thing these days and I’m excited for you to have that level of care in your life. Plus, a new job that also corroborates your spiritual experiences, that just sounds like the cherry on top.

I’m sorry that you still have those negatives living rent free in your head. Processing through trauma and coming to a healthy solution is such a tough thing to go through. You have to do so much work to undo all of the terrible things that people have imparted on you throughout your life … and honestly … that just isn’t fair. What’s cool about it though, is that once we get to a point of saying “Hey, I’m tired of giving these people power over my life, I’m done giving them control of how I feel.” … it’s such a freeing experience and feeling.

Overall, it’s sounding like you have a great handle on the stuff you, yourself, have control over … so if you can find a way to process through that past and focus on living in the moment … you’re going to be damn near unstoppable. Your story is inspiring to me as it seems you’re still able to put yourself despite that trauma … and self-aware enough to know when you’re veering from the path. Stay strong … you’ve got this … and if you need to dump some more of that brain … you know where to find us.

[SuperTay]

I gotta acknowledge the fact that you are able to see your all wins for what they are. You can see the -3 to 3 for the amazing improvement it is and you are grateful for that. I have learned that ya gotta acknowledge all of your victories. Especially the little ones. Every little win. They all add up. I know it can be hard sometimes, but I’ve learned that there truly is power in positivity. I try to say “Attitude of Gratitude” and staying a place of gratitude helps you appreciate what you do have and not focusing on what we have lost and what we didn’t get.

I know it’s hard to think of the things from our upbringing that we know were just NOT okay. I have the same issue with my mom as well. We wish things could’ve been different. That our parent would’ve loved and valued us the way that we should have been. We didn’t get the “normal” experience. I’ve always use to say the my empathy was a curse because I care too much. Then I see all the good that I have done with my ability to feel so deeply and all the good I know I can potentially do with this ability. Which is a blessing. To others and myself as well. I still say it feels like a curse when I’m in that moment of hurting. Just trying to remember the good you have done with it. And you have so much potential good you can do with the things that the trauma gives you. The things that the negatives can give you, can be what empowers the positives. You just have to process those memories in a safe space. Take what you need and leave the rest. And release that ballon. It can become your super power.

You are so more than capable that you probably give yourself credit for. I believe in you. Just believe in yourself. Your husband believes in you. And it’s beautiful that your husband believes in your intuition and you do too. I am a “spiritual” person in the same ways. Trust your intuition and you won’t be steered wrong.

You are much stronger than you think you are. And I believe in you. You got this.