Just leaving this here
hey @daearlliebyrd first of all welcome,
with being in war with yourself for so many years then going to be “yourself” can be so hard because you feel like your are facing something that you faught against for so long , With the anger/frustration i would suggest breaking apart and taking the puzzle pieces and figure out what makes you mad and with the depression/anxiety i would talk to a therapist so they can figure how to help you out. As a fraise i havent really used in awhile its : " There is a light to bring you out of the dark to make it brighter again"
Anyways i hope this response helps you , just know your not alone and worth it!
This has been one of the biggest challenges for me. Trying to find a way to heal and move past the things that are in my past that effected me the most. There are so many people and things in my past that have had such a huge impact on me, my health and who I am today. And it’s definitely been a challenge trying to allow those impacts to be positive rather than negative.
I spent a lot of time being angry. A lot of my 20s. I felt abandoned, betrayed and hurt. I kept finding myself somehow around people who were hurtful and it was hard not to allow myself to fall bitter and angry.
But for a very long time I didn’t know how to heal and move forward.
Some things that I had to do to come out of that was
Remove people out of my life, out of my feeds and off of my friends list who were not adding any positives to my life. I mean, I didn’t have to talk to people everyday or often to keep them around. I just had to clean out those who just didn’t add a lot of value to my life. Who didn’t support me. Anyone that felt toxic, judgmental or unhealthy. Friend or family. I removed them out of my life. Doing this is so incredibly refreshing.
Removing social media as a whole. There have also been many times where I have had to just delete and deactivate social media. Whether temporarily for a while or permanently. Social media can be toxic and easy to get stuck reading or being involved in drama and shit that just doesn’t matter. Sometimes unplugging makes such a huge difference in healing and self recovery
I forced myself to start focusing on my health better. I was afraid but I started seeing doctors, specialists and therapists. I got a psychiatrist and started taking medications to help balance myself, my moods, my depression and my anxiety.
With that I was able to better focus on connecting with things that helped me feel better. For me that is art. I started channeling my energy through that and trying to keep my mind on happier and better things.
I have had to constantly remind myself that the people and things in my past are just that. In the PAST. They are not things that I can change or undo. I can not control it. I can only control my now. So I tried to work with myself to remind myself of this every day. I cut ties with those who are no good for me and told myself it is NOT worth it to let the people and things in my past to ruin my now and my future. I didn’t want to give them that control.
I tried to find places that were therapeutic for me. Heart Support being one. I have a passion and a love for this community and all that they do. And so many people here, staff and community members have taught me so much. Have helped me to have a better perspective and outlook…have helped me to respond more out of love than anything else. Has better taught me how to react in times that I struggle. And for this, I have been able to grow stronger and keep myself going. It doesn’t take professionals here to grow and learn. We all learn from each other by being supporting, kind, loving, patient, understanding and compassionate. That goes a long way.
Music. In moments of finding myself relapsing back into dark thoughts or into my past, I always turn to music. Not dark or angry music. Calming music. Meditative music. Music to calm my mind so that I can recenter myself and calm. It really does make a difference. Helps me collect my thoughts so I can better work with myself.
Taking walks. Whether around the local parks, shops or wherever. Walks. Taking photos of nature with my phone. Excellent way to help our brains and minds while also exercising our bodies. They do say that good exercise, good eating and good sleeping all work together in improving our mental and physical health. So it’s good to somehow work those things into our routine in a healthy way. It does help.
Spending time with friends. Healthy friends. Whether going out for coffee, going together to church or shop. Having healthy friends is a huge help in moving forward and not backwards. Having people to bounce thoughts off of. For me, this can be hard as I don’t make new friends very easily with being autistic. I’m awkward and high anxiety. But I do have a few very good friends who have made a huge difference in my life. And even if they were the only friends I had for the rest of my life, I’d be happy.
There are all kinds of things we can do for ourselves in an attempt to move forward. To look ahead of ourselves instead of behind. A lot of little things that may seem like they don’t matter or are not relevant but you’d be surprised at how relevant they are. All the little healthy things we do for ourselves, helps us be a happier version of ourselves which in turn, helps us better respond to things and think. If we are doing things to keep our mind and bodies in a better place, being well rested, well fed, and doing things to give us good healthy energy, you will find that moving forward becomes easier.
Anyway. I hope this helps at least a little. It takes patience, time and dedication. But it is possible.
Much love to you