How does one deal with a loss that hasn’t happened yet?
I don’t know how to deal with the knowledge that my older brother has a plan to rid the world of him at midnight any day. And he wants me, ME, to check up on him and not to tell anyone in the family because “we’re the same. You have depression too and you’re the only one that understands.”
I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I DON’T KNOW. Every time I walk into his room at night, will I wonder if he’s asleep or dead? Or one day, will I be the first one to see his dead body? Or will one night be the last time I ever see him breathing and will I be awoken by screams and cries of my parents when they walk in to see his lifeless body?
I’m so afraid of what is to come. I’m so afraid of the day that he decides that’s enough and leaves me. And I have a feeling that he will break down soon and that it will be because I didn’t do enough to check on him. And I’ll probably blame myself for the rest of my life.
I think about that one time, last year in school. It was in Health class and we were on the topic of suicide. She asked the class to raise their hands if they ever knew anyone suicidal. Not wanting to feel outcasted, I raised my hand even though I never knew anyone at the time who felt like that. She then had us raise our hands if we knew anyone who created a plan, and/or if we knew anyone who attempted or successfully went through with it. And me, scared that people would think less of me because they all raised their hands and I wasn’t supposed to, I raised my hand till the end. I think it’s karma. Karma came back and decided that I should be punished for my lies. And that makes me even more scared. Because if it went through and made my brother suicidal and have a plan, then what’s stopping Karma from going all the way. All the way to where he takes his life. And it’s all going to be MY fault. EVERYTHING IS MY FAULT. MY FAULT. MY FAULT.
I don’t want this to happen. Please, please I pray to the gods that I don’t believe in that this never happens. Because then it will seem like I live my life for the longest time with guilt. I don’t want to live with guilt.
Please make it stop. I want it all to stop hurting so much. I want it all to stop making me feel so much. I TAKE IT BACK. I WANT TO BE NUMB FOREVER. I DON’T WANT TO FEEL ANYMORE BECAUSE IT’S TOO MUCH. It’s too much.
I know this probably isn’t what you want to hear, but if your brother is suicidal, you probably should tell someone and have him hospitalized. I know the last thing people want when they want to attempt suicide is help, but it would take that burden off of you (which he has no right to out on your shoulders anyway) and it would give him a chance to get better and have a life beyond now. He will thank you later.
That’s a very stressful situation and I’m glad you decided to talk about it. Having someone we love being suicidal and knowing their intentions is a very heavy secret. I understand your brother’s fears and difficulty to trust others with this. Maybe he’s afraid to be judged, maybe he’s afraid to be a burden or to be misunderstood. But I agree with Sapphire as it sounds that you both need to include a third party - your parents?, as you mentioned them. I have no doubt that you are a loving and caring sibling. You’ve proved to your brother that he can count on you multiple times. But the system you’ve both put in place can’t go on like that endlessly. It is unfair to you, it’s dangerous to him.
You know, some situations can be beyond our power and too much to handle. In these moments, it’s okay to reach out, to break silence, to let someone else know about what’s going on, someone who can actively help and intervene when it’s still possible. You wouldn’t betray him. This situation is not your fault. Your brother’s pain doesn’t have to be yours. You are not made to lose him like this and he’s not made to end his life at night. You can still reach out to your parents or someone, so both of you would receive the help you need. Maybe he won’t receive it well at first, but it wouldn’t be because of you. It’s just because depression sucks and makes us believe that hurting ourselves is the only solution, that we need to be silent and deal with our pain by ourselves. But it’s not true. It’s part of the lies we tend to believe because we’re hurting.
It’s okay to need help, and it’s okay to receive it from people we didn’t expect at first. You, as someone who knows what’s going on and deeply cares about it, are still in control right now. And I want to strongly encourage you not to stay alone with this secret. I know it’s probably a very uncomfortable decision to make, but your distress is real and you don’t have to shoulder this alone.
