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Burnt out relationship

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#1

Recently I got into a new relationship almost two months ago but the longer we are together the more hard conversations me and my gf have with each other. It took me like 7 months out from a bad relationship/breakup to find the courage to reach out to a girl i was interested in.
I knew ahead of time kinda what i was getting into but now that it has been some time i am scared of dating her any longer.

Right now her life is a cocktail of suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety, low-self esteem, social anxiety, and stubbornness. All the “normal” things to say to a female mean opposite to her so she takes being called “weird” is a good thing and creative criticism triggers her.
On top of her mental health her physical health is actually slowly killing her and she has developed bad sleeping, eating, and social habits.

I am lost how to even support/help her when she allows people to continue burdening her with their mental health issues and relies on me to fill her back up with love and energy. I have hit a point where i dread hangout with her cause i feel like i will screw up and say something that will “trigger her”…triggering means she completely shuts down verbally, starts sobbing, and then shaking from her anxiety (it slowly increases the worse the anxiety gets to a point where it looks like she is having a seizure) until the fit stops. It is so hard to figure out what triggered her or made her feel insulted so everything i say or text is criticized.

I feel so poisoned, stressed, overwhelmed, drained, and depressed…i had so much hope now i regret this decision

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#2

Hi Blacklink,

This is an interesting topic for me to read because to be completely honest, your girlfriend has a lot in common with me. Granted I’ve gotten better but I had to work at it. 8 years ago I had no self esteem, depression and nearly crippling anxiety. I wasn’t suicidal though.

I still shut down verbally when I get upset and I shake because I automatically go into a fight or flight response when someone confronts me because of my abusive upbringing. And I also think ‘weird’ is something to be proud of. I can empathize with your girl because I was that girl 8 years ago.

I will say this. I had no business being in a relationship 8 years ago. I had almost no hold on those issues and expecting someone else (in your case, you) to get a hold on those behaviors for me (or in your case, her) is totally irresponsible and unfair. In my opinion your girlfriend needs to get a hold of herself and take responsibility. And I mean this in the best way possible, honestly.

Before I came to terms with all of my problems I wasn’t able to treat my significant others fairly. I was too lost in myself to ever take someone else into consideration. RuPaul says, If you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love anyone else? And I think it’s so true. You really need to love yourself at least to some degree before you can love someone else.

I think being with someone should be a time of solace for you. Of course no relationship is happy 100% of the time, but if it has gotten to the point where it drains you and you dread seeing her and it sounds like you feel like you’re walking on egg shells, it’s probably best for you to not be in that relationship.

I would advise against regret - rather take this as a learning experience. There is no reason to be hard on yourself when you’ve clearly poured so much time and effort into this. You’ve done your best. You can’t blame yourself. If you know it’s bad for you, just end it and move on.

I’m sorry if any of this came out as offensive but it was kind of hard for me to put it into words, and like I said, I was very similar to her 8 years ago, so it’s weird to be seeing it from the outside.

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#3

Hey Sapphire thanks for responding and giving me some insight on this…i like to confront her on the lies that she has believed for such a long time and show her the truth but she refuses to accept responsibility on making the changes to improve and rather sit in what is comfortable or make me adjust to everything about her…the social cues, the terms, the eating schedule, the sleep schedule, the willing to crawl inside of me for comfort.

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#4

Yea and that’s the tough part - you can only help someone if they are accepting of help. I know someone who had the same struggles as I did, but I went to therapy and she didn’t. I was fed up with the way I was living and wanted change. I wanted help. Now, so many years later, that person is still a depressed mess while I thankfully am not. You can offer all the help and enlightenment in the world but it will all be water over a ducks back if she’s not willing to accept it. I commend you for dealing with those behaviors for any length of time, but I believe you deserve better, knowing what I do about how my mindset was then, in and out of relationships. And if course this goes without saying I can’t speak for her - take it as you wish.

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#5

Well I finally broke up with her. Most painful 2 hours of my life but I finally feel at peace about it.

No matter what point I made for the breakup I was called selfish, shallow, uncaring, and unfair.

I could not bend at all cause I knew she was being manipulative and wanting everything her way.

Now onto healing

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