I am a woman who as a child was sexually abused by women.
I present myself as a strong independent woman who promotes feminism and girls supporting girls but in reality, due to my early experiences some strong women make me feel anxious and uncomfortable.
I’ve always been told that women are ‘nurturers’ and ‘motherly’ but the association I have with women growing up was violent and manipulative. It’s put a strain on the relationship I have with my mother and other older females in my life. Looking to the future I feel like I will never be a good mother or daughter. I feel like a bad feminist and a failure of a woman.
I feel like I will never be comfortable within myself and within my own body. I hate the resemblance of myself to my abusers, I hate my female body and have to shower with the lights off because the view of my own body disgusts me and reminds me of theirs.
I want to be a strong female figure that I needed as a child, but I don’t know how to do that and worry I’ll never be able to accept me for me.
@wiltandfade
The fact that you have overcome so much throughout your life shows just how strong you are. It takes a woman with real strength and courage to overcome so much and support others who are going through similar things. I’m sure that the woman that make you feel uncomfortable are actually intimidated by just how strong you are. I’m sure that you children look up to you and hope that they can be as courageous as you are.
While I can’t imagine what you have gone through, I can tell that you are doing great. Maybe a good way to start feeling more comfortable in your own skin is to sit down and write everything that you do like. Or maybe you could do a “makeover” or you can start. working towards improving the areas that you are not happy with. Focus on all of the good parts of your life. Staying positive will help you to overcome the struggles you are dealing with now.
Also, you are most definitely not a bad feminist. You are showing woman that despite your past, you can still be whoever you want to be. You are showing woman that its okay to struggle. You are an amazing example of a feminist. Keep working hard, you’ve got this.