These pass couple of days I been trying to be happy laughing more with my family telling jokes and stuff but when im alone everything falls apart and I don’t even know if I’m happy when I’m putting on a smile. My sister had told me that I’ve been happy these pass couple of days and I just smiled cause it was far from the truth, everything I look at makes me sad. I sit in the tub a lot letting the water just run listen to sad music. One of the days I just lost it I was crying so much in the shower saying negative things about myself that are true. I was trying to do something I use to love to do which is painting and I couldn’t, I felt like I was forcing myself to, and the more I was painting the sadder I got, so I just stopped and now I’m sitting in my closet with my door closed with my headphones. I can’t get up in the morning I wake up and make myself go back to sleep cause I don’t want to wake up, I just want to sleep. I think about suicide or myself just dieing some way because why should I live when I just have pain, comparing myself to others. My sister had put makeup on me yesterday and she said you look pretty but it made me feel sad cause that’s not me, I don’t look like that, I hate how I look. I don’t know what to do anymore
Hi, Lillian. It sounds like you feel like you’re wearing a mask in real life… I’ve experienced similar feelings. Society, as it stands now, doesn’t really allow for good outlets for pain and suffering. When someone asks “How are you?” we’re expected to say, “Fine.” We’re not “supposed” to express the difficult emotions…
Personally I think that’s bull. We all experience pain and suffering at times. I think there needs to be more places where expressing sadness, depression, anger, guilt, shame, or any other difficult emotion is not only acceptable but also encouraged. Fortunately, this is one of those places where it IS allowed.
I see you, Lillian. I see the pain. I believe you. It hurts. It’s not “in your head” and it’s not something you can just shake off. Your pain is trying to talk to you… to tell you something. Much like the physical pain when you touch something hot tells you to remove your hand, your mental anguish is trying to communicate something to you.
It is okay and encouraged to explore your difficult emotions here, Lillian. We will listen. What is happening in your life and what is your sadness trying to tell you? Why are you sad?
Hi Lillian25.
Thank you for being open and sharing what has been going these past few days to you. I understand how it feels when everyone goes away and you are stuck all alone with what is going on in your head. It sounds like things seem overwhelming right now and the things you love such as painting fall short, same thing happened to me while writing poetry. The passion will come back to do such things even if it seems hopeless.
Your life is beautiful and precious and worthwhile.
Hey Lillian,
Thank you for reaching out. It is one of the best things you can do. Your life and your story is so important. You are so valuable and sometimes you just need other people to keep believing that for you when you can’t believe it yourself. HeartSupport is here to remind you that you are worthy of hope and healing.
Surround yourself with people that love and care about you, keep reaching out, talk to your doctor, go on walks, journal your feelings, meditate. Do what you need to do to fight and stay here. Your life matters and this is just a season. It will pass and your life won’t be like this forever. Stick around to see what happens. You might be amazed by what you find.
“Hope is real. Help is real. Your story is important.”