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Can someone please give me some advice

I’m going to admit it, I need help. Of course, I already knew that, but I really really need help.

My sister physically and emotionally abuses me, my mom, despite going through the same suicidal thoughts I have, won’t let me tell people whose whole jobs revolve around helping people who are struggling, and it’s really making me mad. My dad went to jail(again)because of a DUI(His fifth), which already sucked because we thought he was getting better, but also because we had plans with him. He knew he had plans with his kids, who he gets to see so little, and yet decided that drinking and driving would be a good idea. I’m pretty much failing at school, I don’t have friends, I’m a pig, and oh, did I mention I hate the fact that I’m a girl? I mean, I like being feminine, I feel feminine, but I just hate that I’m a female. I know that I am cis, but sometimes I wish I was non-binary, or trans, but I know I’m not.

My sister has caused so many depressive episodes that I’ve strongly considered running away, but I never do because I’m not stupid, and it’s not like any of my relatives would let me stay with them. I’m really starting to consider looking into boarding school.
I also hate that I like my friend, who is also a girl. Another reason for boarding school, or even a conversion camp. I hate that I like girls and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m actually thinking of trying to find a relative who would listen to me and let me stay with them. But, of course, I can’t. I might(just might) talk to my grandmother on my dad’s side about staying with her for a while, or even just staying with our nanny(I don’t need a babysitter, but mom doesn’t like me and my sister to be home alone, even though I’m old enough to), in Boston when she moves this Summer. I just want to get out of this hell hole.

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well i dont know what to say about the other stuff im srry… but questioning your gender is ok, and somtimes it takes time to figure it out, and u should not be ashamed of liking girls, theres nothing wrong with that, everyone has there own preference, you just need to be around a group of people that will help u figure out who u are

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Hi

Advice is one thing I am really reluctant to give because I struggle daily myself and please keep in mind I’m no expert in anything that follows.

As far as who you are attracted to and who you are inside that people don’t see, or the outside that people do see: everything is ok. The people we like are the people we like as friends and romantically…are the people we like and emotions may be less-than-100% rational or even not what we would want ideally…but they are real, even if just to the person having them. You can still decide that for whatever reason the thing your heart wants you can’t go for and hopefully find peace in that decision.

As for who we are on the outside that people see and the inside the only we see…I find it challenging to change and very easy to find myself falling into bad habits. Since last March I have easily put on weight and I feel like I have become more short-tempered. For me - physically I need to start developing better habits like better food choices (KFC tonight = failure…but delicious failure) and making time to exercise. Mentally - I’ve had to first take note of what makes me short-tempered and then take note of not only the trigger…but the things that came before the trigger moment (was I hungry, tired, busy, etc) and be more mindful of myself.

An example of a good habit I got into: I needed something to tell people when they asked “how is it going” so I started saying “its the best day of my life”. It wasn’t sincere the first 500+ times I said it, but one day something kinda clicked and I actually meant it.

Your sister is family, but there is a line with family both physically and emotionally. Its hard when family says hurtful things and its hard not to take them to heart even when you know they are untrue and meant to hurt. I think you are on the right track already recognizing it for what it is and that you don’t deserve it.

I am sincerely sorry about your father and his illness and that it keeps him from being the father you want and need.

My advice is that is you want to find a professional to talk to about any issues you 100% should do that if for no other reason than to find out that there are names for a lot or all of what you are facing and that you are not the first one (and that you are totally not alone). It will take work and professionals can tell you things and draw you a map but you will be doing most of the heavy lifting.

I don’t think who a person is physically should matter and whomever they like and love is ok as long as they have a kind heart and try not to hurt people and do the right thing…well I am very happy to have those kinds of people around. I’m sorry that you’re in pain and that life so far has been rough. The decisions we make and the habits we form have a compound effect over time. Start making positive decisions for you life (like therapy, or setting boundaries with your mother and/or sister, or whatever area is important to you). Change will not happen overnight, but it usually comes after some time.

You have as much right to life and happiness as anyone else. period. I hope you are able to find it (exclamation point!)

^ I feel silly at the end of offering that, but I think I was mostly kind and gave decent advice so please take it in the spirit it was sent and take care of yourself

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