I’ve had thoughts of suicide occasionally. Never anything I planned but it crosses my mind. I always feel like life is worth it but at the same time I wonder why. I have so many people I care about but I don’t know if they ever care about me. I always seem to be an afterthought. Unless I’m just complaining about how lonely I am and clamouring for attention I don’t feel like anyone checks up on me. That’s all I want. Someone to truly just ask how I’m doing sometimes. Not my family, they are obligated to do that. It just makes me feel so lonely that no one ever likes me for who I am it seems like. I do try to reach out and be kind to people but I just get exhausted. I don’t have much energy for it.
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I felt the same way when I went from elementary school to middle school. Middle school was a big change where cliques formed and I felt that I had to go above and beyond to make people happy to feel like I belonged. But I came to a hard realization that I didn’t actually belong anymore and people were only nice when I was around but wasn’t a permanent figure in a group.
I felt better when I stopped trying to please other people as I had no control over that outcome. So instead I did stuff I enjoyed doing and channeled my energy to myself and not other people and that made me feel better. You can also talk to a close friend or someone you feel comfortable with sharing about how they feel and how it would help you if they could check in on you sometimes. You might feel like it takes away from the gesture if you have to ask for it, but if someone is willing to help you it doesn’t take away from it at all.
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