Climbing out

[Hiraeth]

It’s been awhile since I posted here, but I think I’m getting better.

Months ago, I was desperate and purged my thoughts, bared my crazy and published my traumas here to you kind strangers. I was at the lowest point of the pit and honestly didn’t think I was ever going to be able to climb out. After years of struggling with past trauma, succumbing to my alcohol dependency, crawling through dark days in a constant battle with my mind and memories, I think I’m getting better.

I’m not going to lie - the dark thoughts and the triggers aren’t entirely gone. I swear not a day that goes by where I don’t think about my past, but I’m getting better about dealing with it when something bubbles up to the surface. If I see something or hear something that triggers me back to that awful time in my life, now I take a second to breathe and ground myself, whereas I used to be consumed by my memories and fear, and go straight into a tearful panic attack - try to run away and drown it with alcohol. But I’m getting better. Now when I feel these things, I take a moment to bring myself out of my mind and into the present. I reach for my husband’s hand and he brings me back. His calming presence and that adoring look in his eyes when he looks at me washes all of those bad thoughts away and keeps me grounded.

The hardest part for me was to give words to what I felt inside. Recalling the dark memories and allowing them to slip through your lips for others to hear - its daunting. There were times where I thought I would ruin our marriage because I had ultimately shut him out. I just couldn’t open up. All I had to do was TALK! But for so long, I couldn’t gather the courage to open my mouth. There were times where the words were stuck in my throat - they were right there! Just let them out! But I couldn’t - I would choke them back down and suffer in silence just like I had for years and years before. It took courage and it is such a struggle to speak about these demons inside but it is a release that I haven’t felt in a long while.

In the beginning, we couldn’t be intimate without me being trigged by my past abuse, and it would always end with me bursting into tears. But over time, he rewrote everything I had known, and instead of pain and fear, he showed me love, compassion and an emotional connection. I’ve never known what it was like to not be picked apart, but instead be built up and loved for every flaw. I’m starting to feel comfortable again in my own skin for the first time in years, and when he looks at me I actually feel beautiful.

I’m incredibly lucky to have someone in my life that truly loves me and takes care of me when I didn’t want to love or take care of myself. My amazing husband has stuck with me when my wounds were raw, and he does everything he possibly can to help those wounds heal.
Somehow, even though he has seen me on my ugliest days, his love for me is still so strong and our love for each other seems to be getting even stronger the more I heal and as I learn to love myself again. He’s been so patient with me. So patient.

It has taken a lot of time for me to overcome what I went through, but I’m getting better and I of course couldn’t have done it without the help of my husband, but also from these beautiful souls here at heartsupport. You’ve encouraged me not to drown my sorrows with alcohol, but take time to feel whatever it is that I’m feeling; to set time aside to talk openly about it with my husband so he can understand what I’m going through, rather than shutting him out.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I just want you to know that you are not alone in here in this world, no matter how dark it may seem. Please know that you are valued, you are loved, you are beautiful.The journey out of whatever rut you’re in is brutal, but it’s so worth the climb.

[Micro]

Dear @Hiraeth

I’m at loss of words… What a wonderful, beautiful, powerful and inspiring message that you just shared with us here. I was thinking of you the other day, wondering how you were doing.

Your progress is incredible. I’m beyond happy for you. And to hear how much your husband is supporting you… what a beautiful outcome, friend. You’ve tamed your fear of speaking and allowed a healthy, loving, and bright opportunity to happen in your life. This is something you own. It’s the result of YOUR strength, YOUR bravery. The ghosts from the past can feel very present at times but you are proving to yourself that YOU are in control. You are empowering yourself in such a beautiful way.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you for sharing this update. It inspires me as well, especially at a time when hopelessness is striking me again. Your words are uplifting and bring hope. Thank you for the blessing of sharing your heart and journey with us here. I wish you all the best. You’re beautiful and you are loved dearly.

[Hiraeth]

Thank you so so much for all of your help along the way as I’ve struggled to work through this. I’m so sorry you’re feeling hopelessness again.

9 days ago I wrote that I was feeling so much better and so happy, and 9 days later I’m sinking back into the dark again. This weekend I’ve done absolutely nothing and I’m berating myself because of it. I feel so exhausted and hopeless now. There is so much going on and so much outside stress on top of the trauma I’m trying to cope with and it has beat me down. I usually find solace and healing in nature but I can’t even bring myself to go outside. This feeling of hopelessness is heavy and I feel like I’m about to burst. I can’t believe so much can change in a few days. But despite all of the pain I feel inside, I know that this darkness isn’t forever and this feeling will eventually pass - I just have to keep climbing.

I don’t know if you’ve heard this lately but I’m proud of you.

I want you to know that you have been such an inspiration to me. It’s amazing that you are able to reach out to others and help them through tough times even when you are dealing with your own demons. I hope one day I’ll be as strong as you to do the same. You have taken so much time out of your life to help others - its absolutely remarkable. I hope you know just how much of an impact you make in this community - your kindness and compassion is something I’ve never experienced before. You encouraged me to open up when I wanted to shut down. Whenever I’d want to give up or give in, your words would always echo in the back of my mind that guided me back to the light. You have helped me climb out of my darkness, even when you yourself are battling demons in dark days. I truly hope that whatever darkness you’re going through lifts soon - you deserve happiness and so much light.

[Micro]

As the saying goes: it’s okay not to be okay. Healing is made of so many ups and downs. And when we think about it, no one is constantly okay. I think that downs are just heavier when we know why it’s there, when there’s a traumatic cause behind, and when we feel that it’s unfair to have to deal with these emotional changes because of it. Every “down” is still an opportunity to grow though. Whether it’s spent hidden under a blanket or by having a walk outside. Both are okay. You dont have to climb all the time. You also need to create and use your own rest areas. What matters is to keep in mind that these difficult moments that push you to rest are not your final destination, as they are not meant to last either.

You haven’t failed either. Progress is progress. It is something you owned when you posted this, and you’ll always own it, no matter what. Sometimes it really feels like moving backwards and starting all over again, but that’s not necessarily true.

Nature is incredibly restorative, isn’t it? It helps me a lot too. There’s so much comfort in witnessing its beauty, silent growth and resilience. Also reassuring to know that it’s always there whenever we need it. There’s always the possibility to get out and breathe some fresh air, surrounded by treesn the wind and sniging birds. For sure, the hardest step is the one that requires to actually cross the entry door. But one step at a time, always. Sometimes we’re too overwhelmed, so it’s okay to acknowledge it and to preserve our energy during these moments. It only makes us human. <3

Thank you so much for your extremely kind words. I will keep and cherish these so much. This strength that you have is your own, but I’m more than happy if being here could have been a crutch for you during a time when you needed to jump into the unknown. I too receive a lot by spending time around here. Giving is also about receiving, and all the words shared around here have contributed a lot to my own capacity to still be here today. Even during our darkest days, there is strength to find in love, no matter how it’s shared.

I’m so very glad that our paths have crossed. And whether you still intend to spend time around here, know that there’s a stranger somewhere out there who cares and hopes that keep taking care of yourself, especially during your darkest hours. You’re wonderful. I believe in you.

PS - If you need to talk sometimes, I’m often on Discord as well.