I wish I wasn’t writing this… But I need you guys more than ever now. Most people know me as the first person to call out and help others to tackle the voices telling them they’d be better off dead. That suicide is never the answer, but, I’m struggling to see an end to my battles and the voices in my head are getting stronger everyday. My boss has told me it my back is not healed in a week then I will not be allowed to stay on my department, my dad saw my self harm scars and just replied “oh you’re still being stupid” and I can’t even support my best friend in hospital right now. I know I’m not alone, I have the BEST support group but I feel like such a burden leaning on them as much as I’ve had too recently. I started to hide pills in my room again although I didn’t take any and eventually threw them out, im not long clean and I’m already failing. I cannot do anything right in the eyes of my family and I can’t handle these emotions. The only way out of this that I see is to just overdose and get it done with. I’m sorry guys. I try to be the light in the darkness for you, but the last few days it’s been getting towards impossible to look after even my self. I don’t know if it’s going to ever end. I need it to end.
Hey I know what it’s like to feel like this. You have so many people supporting you here and there is always a reason to keep going, no matter how hard it is to see it. You’ve got people to talk to so please don’t take on burdens like the battles in your mind on your own. We love you and care about you and are here to help. I hope this cam help a little bit and if you want to talk more I’m here to help in any way I can. You are loved no matter how hard it is to see it
Hey Kayla. You are an amazing person. Whether or not you believe it. You are amazing as you are. You need to stop letting those negative thoughts tell you that you are a burden. You are to me, someone who has helped me breathe. Shit happens Kayla. Recovery isn’t easy. It sucks. I love you no matter how many time you relapse or anything like that.
I wanna meet you. Stay here for that. Stay here for the many more times you will laugh at HeartSupport stream. Stay for the beautiful things in life.
I suck at typing these things out, but if there is anything I want you to take away from this is that YOU ARE A FIGHTER! You don’t need to be a light for us. You gotta be your own light.
PS. Two weeks is two weeks. Don’t downplay your progress <3
Hey @Kayla,
You’re such a valuable asset to the HeartSupport community and it would be extremely devastating if anything happened to you. I’m so sorry that your dad harshly reacted to seeing your scars. Based on what you’ve written, I see your dad deep-down implying, “My beloved daughter is hurting herself and it breaks my heart, but I don’t know how to handle it or support her through it, so instead I’m going to express crude sarcasm in hopes that she’ll stop.” Clearly his train-of-thought is out-of-touch with reality, but please don’t take it to heart. I know it’s easier said than done, but combat what he said with new thoughts along the lines of, “I’m not stupid. I’m hurting. I’m cared for and I’m valued.” Your dark season may be a long one, but I promise you that it’ll end and a new season will begin. They call it “seasons” because the stages in life frequently change. Please hold on. You’re strong. Remember that.
-Eric
Hey @Kayla,
We are here, and we are NOT going to let you fight this alone. Thank you for reaching out to us. Keep posting here please, keep being in the discord/on stream. No matter what happens, you’re not going through this alone. I know you’ve always been a light to the people here, and I can see the numerous heartfelt and honest responses you give to people, and to me. There is nothing wrong with asking for help when the darkness gets to you; it gets to each of us at different times. Today, I feel okay and strong, so let me be someone that you can lean on- we’re in it together. Feel free to message me on discord if you need to let out any feelings, or the burdens you’re carrying. We’re here to share them.
I remember when my parents first saw my self-injury scars. Their responses were less than helpful and I just felt so, so ashamed and angry and guilty. It still hurts me to this day, the looks on their faces, and the words they said (even if they were just shocked or didn’t know how to ‘react well’). You’re not alone. Take it one hour at a time if you have to- honestly, we have to do that sometimes, and it’s okay. But fight to stay, because I know it will be worth it one day! And I think you know that too. It’s ok to let others take care of you, it’s what support groups are there for. I know I feel guilty leaning on my friends a lot of the time too, but they keep telling me that’s what friends are for, and that they choose to stick around. I’m sure your support group wants to be there for you, just as we do.
Hold fast m’dear, keep fighting.
Much love,
Alex