My fiancé and I? I’m pretty certain we’re done romantically. For context, we’d been separated for about two weeks. She moved out of our apartment. And I knew that the problems in our relationship were on me. They truly were my fault. My mental illness, my drug addiction, my general negligence and lack of consideration as a partner.
I tried reaching out to her, just to get everything out in the open. I sincerely apologized, as best as I knew how. I admitted every ounce of wrongdoing. I told her that I’m sorry I wasn’t the person she needed me to be, and that maybe there would come a day when I could be.
She shot me down. Pretty hard.
I really was convinced that I was gonna marry this girl and spend my life with her. I’m 21, so very young to be looking at relationships like that. But I really, truly believed I’d found my person.
It turns out that I was wrong. And it hurts more now than it ever has. I feel so empty. Helpless, hopeless, completely crushed.
Now I’m left to pick up the pieces of my life and keep going. I don’t even know where to begin.
Hey Conner, man that sucks. Short answer to a bad breakup, keep on going. At least if you keep up your daily routine, your head is above water for a few hours. Don’t be afraid to feel all the hurt. You’re starting the grieving process. It sucks, but it’s important to get all the poison out. When all your anger, sadness, and desperation are depleted, when you have given every ounce of emotion in your body, your head will be clear and you can start to build again. It may take weeks or months, but there is an end to it, and it’s important to go through it. Just remember, we’re here for you when things get terrible, and we want to hear when things get better. Hold fast
Where do I start in forgiving myself for messing my relationship up to the point where she left…? I know it may seem like I’m playing the martyr here, but I genuinely am the reason we broke up. I am the reason that I no longer will have a best friend and a partner like that.
That’s a good question. Do you ever want it to happen again? It may be time to take a long look at what got you to this point, and get help with your substance abuse. It may be time to bury your old self, the person you hate so much, and rebuild your life and your identity. Substance abuse recovery isn’t just about staying clean, it’s about turning away from that whole world. It’s terrifying, and only you will know when you’re ready, but I’m hearing you say it’s a problem that’s gotten out of control, and that’s Step One.
You’re gonna laugh. My substance of choice is marijuana. I’m 21, diagnosed with Treatment Resistant Depression when I was maybe 13. Been pretty much smoking nonstop from 16 to now. And when I say smoking, I mean RIDICULOUS levels of smoking. I’m talking hitting gram sized dabs six, seven, eight times a day at my worst. I’ve coughed up blood plenty of times and thought “Ahhh, screw it I’m fine.”
There’s this idea that weed is more socially acceptable now, and while I’m completely on board with it gaining acceptance in medical use, and even recreational use for people who can do that sort of thing, I realize now that I can’t. I can’t moderate my use. Whatsoever. Shit had been completely running and ruining my life up until 24 days ago.
I’ve had more than enough. Now it’s only a matter of where to start, I guess.
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. Your feedback really is huge. Helps me feel less alone. So again, thank you.
I’m not laughing. People tout it as non-addictive, and that may be true at a biological level, but I’ve seen it take charge of people’s lives before. People plan their days around it and can’t function when they’re not blasted, and that’s still a problem. Maybe you don’t need to detox in a hospital setting, but there are still clinics and facilities that can help you. If you aren’t up to that just yet, step through the doors of a local AA meeting, even if you don’t share. You’re not alone, I promise.
I am so sorry to hear about the split of you and your fiancee. It takes a lot of courage to own up to our mistakes and acknowledge the pieces that need improvement. I think you did a very brave thing to share with her those reflections. It is painful to be rejected and shut down. I am sorry to hear about those feelings around being empty, helpless, hopeless, and completely crushed. It makes perfect sense to me why you’d be feeling that way. I wish I could ease the pain a little, take some pressure off your heart. I know tho only you can do that for yourself. Practice good self-care or discover what that looks like for you. I am hoping things turn around swiftly. Warmly, dot.
