i’m really confused as to what my personality is. for months i’ve been numb and emotionless and cold and then yesterday i was really depressed all day but now i don’t feel as cold or anything and kind of feel “soft”?? idk. i’m usually really rude and strict about everything and like things a certain way and i’m very blunt and curse a lot at people but today i just don’t feel like it. i don’t know if it’s just for today, i sure hope it isn’t, but i’d rather be cold and mean than soft and vulnerable. i don’t like caring about people. i don’t like having to try and feel other peoples pain. i really don’t care about people at all unless i’m close with them but right now i kinda feel… warm??? maybe it’s just because i had a nice conversation with my one friend yesterday and that made me really happy cause it actually felt like he was enjoying talking to me. idk. i’m really just confused on everything.
Have you ever seen the Grinch, where he’s cold and mean because he’s hurt, but once he starts to care he feels warm and his heart grows? It feels like that’s you! Human’s are designed to be in communities and to be social. You may have shut yourself off and made yourself cold because you’ve been hurt, but that’s not who you are. You feel warm because you connected with someone and it made you happy, because that’s what we’re programmed to do. Don’t run away from that warmth, hold on to it. One of the biggest contributors to depression is loneliness, so if you’re feeling warm and happy from a social interaction, it’s because that’s what you want. You’re discovering that you’re not a cold and mean person, but actually a kind and wonderful person and although that might feel scary, you should see it as a glimmer of hope that things can get better and you can be happier. I hope you continue to feel that warmth and happiness, because you deserve it. You deserve to have friends who care about you and you deserve to feel good every day.
That warm feeling is something you should latch onto! I know where you’re coming from, not wanting to be soft, to be vulnerable. It can be scary. But that warm feeling is totally normal, it’s a sign you feel community, it’s letting you know you can let people in and it can be a positive experience. There’s something to be said for guarding your heart, but there’s even more to be said for letting people in! You can find a balance somewhere between being constantly cold and guarded and being constantly soft and vulnerable, and I recommend trying to find that place for yourself!
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