Hello and thanks to those of you taking your time to read this.
It’s hard to find a starting point and I feel like this could easily turn into a massive wall of text so I’ll try to be brief.
Last Sunday my girlfriend of ~6 months texted me asking if she could come over. My heart immediately dropped because it was out of character (she rarely comes over to my place, especially on such short notice) and somehow I knew something was up.
We went on a walk and she explained that she feels like she’s wasting my time and it has been really stressful for her lately, and she isn’t sure we are looking for the same thing out of the relationship. From all I know of her she is very honest and kind, so I have no reason to assume there are any other reasons. I asked if she had her mind made up on breaking up and she said we could sleep on it and talk again another day if I wanted.
This is the part where I am so angry at myself. I told her if it’s been keeping her up and stressed over the weeks then it seems like she has her mind made up, and waiting to make a decision until another day might just give me hope and make the breakup harder for me. So we decided to break up and were both very emotional. She asked if I still wanted to be friends and I said I would need time to think about it.
I wanted to tell her how hard this breakup would be for me. I wanted to say how amazing she was and how I’ve never felt so connected to someone in my life - I seriously never understood how someone could sacrifice their life for another (outside of children/family) until I met her. All my past relationships felt like complete jokes compared to this one. I wanted to tell her I’d been on antidepressants for the past 2 years and was at the tail end of getting off of them. I didn’t say any of this because I cared about her so much that I felt like the only thing that could come out of it would just make the breakup harder for her. After awhile of crying and embracing she went home and I was left all alone.
Like most in this situation, I couldn’t sleep and nearly everything everywhere reminded me of her and I just had to get away from the city, so at 3am I drove a few hours in silence (our music tastes were so in sync that there was nearly everything I liked reminded me of her) to the beach because I felt like staring into the vast nothingness of the ocean was the only comfort I could feel. At this time I wanted to try to remove everything that reminded me of her but once I realized that would remove 75% of my identity I knew it couldn’t work. I decided that I could tell her we can still be friends, thinking that it would make the memories and stuff just remind me of a friend instead of someone I lost.
I constantly had suicidal thoughts but I know it would devastate my family and friends. I kept trying to think of ways to honorably get myself killed, since any sort of ‘accident’ at this time would likely be too coincidental with my current life situation and still hurt the ones I love when they saw past the accident to know it was suicide. I just don’t want to exist and have no motivation to do anything.
I wish it could have been any other reason, because I think it would be easier to get over if it felt like we weren’t compatible, but it seems like it’s just circumstantial and it’s been messing me up so much. I have no idea how to get over this and think it might be healthy for me go back to my full dose of antidepressants (I started them after a long bout of depression after a past breakup which had other implications with it). I also keep wanting to be able to salvage this but have no idea if that’s possible since she hasn’t talked to me since. I slept for 11 hours last night and felt exhausted today, sleeping another 4 so far and having no motivation to do anything. I’m surprised I’ve managed to type all this.