i do not like to talk about my issues, but i will give it a try.
i hate the feeling of not getting better.
i hate that whenever i try to get better things just turn even worse.
i hate, i hate, i hate… i am just mumbling.
i want to be good enough for everyone… my parents, my friend, etc.
i want to be happy, i do not want to be numb anymore.
i do not want to bother people with my issues, no matter how many times people tell me that i am not being a burden or that i am not bothering them, i end up hurting them.
i hurt everyone.
i live to disappoint.
i have become so much like a zombie/machine, emotionless, numb, and nothingness.
i am a huge walking contradiction, it looks like i am fine when i am not.
i have been told that i am not good enough, pretty enough, that i am strange, an airhead, weirdo, pathetic, etc by family… and i have started to believe it all.
no matter how many times i try to get better nothing seems to change.
something very personal that i will share happened recently, i attempted suicide, on Nov. 26th. i felt as though it was the only way out.
the only reason why i am still here is because of my friend. she was the only one who cared, she called me and texted me like a madman, telling me she needs me here, etc.
looking back, i am so selfish. we talk about it from time to time and it makes her so sad. i hate myself for that.
i caused hardship to someone i love, but all i was doing was trying to get rid of the problem out of her life and everyone else’s life, which is me, i am the problem.
i will stop here and maybe explain more later on, but thanks for reading.
Dear Trinity,
I’m going to address a few points here, for the sake of brevity.
First, it’s okay to talk about issues here, we all support one another. I’ve got your back. You can message me, talk to me about things that are bothering you, and I promise I’ll listen, even if I have to wake up at 3 in the morning for it.
Second, what’s wrong with strange or weird? Abnormality is just deviation from “normal”, and what is normal anyway? It’s an arbitrary construct, but if we were all “normal”, then life would be pretty boring.
Third, things will change, things will get better. You just have to stay strong long enough to see that happen.
Finally, with your friend, see it there’s anything she needs to talk to you about, maybe you can both support each other, instead of the one sided situation you say you have. But you are not a problem. You are not a burden. You’re human, and sometimes, we need a little help. I’m here for you
thanks so much for your response… honestly, i did not think anyone would take the time to read this.
and are you sure? i do not want to be an aburden… just pouring my issues onto you.
also, i am trying to not make it one-sided because she wants to help me. <3
Thank you so much for sharing. I know it’s not always comfortable to do so, but I can add to what I others already said to you: you are not a burden for opening up.
I’m so sorry you’re feeling so many negative things at the same time. But I’m also glad your didn’t succeeded in your suicide attempt. Because there’s hope, friend. And suicide is not a solution for you. You belong here, you belong where your dreams are, you belong where people love and care about you. So as it happened recently, I hope you received all the love and support your need since this moment. And if not, then I’m glad you came here so this community can be here for you.
Please don’t hate yourself if your friend is sad. It’s not your fault. This person loves you, care about you, and that includes being sad when their friend is hurting. It’s a manifestation of love. As for you when you don’t want your friend to be sad. So don’t blame yourself. There is nothing wrong. You are not selfish, you are suffering. It’s really different.
You are not the problem. It sounds that you’ve been told really harmful things by others and you’re already aware of the negative impact this could have on you. You didn’t deserve to be told that you’re pathetic or a weirdo. And what they said is not true at all. But you’ll learn progressively to get rid of these. You matter friend. Your feelings are valid and I hope you know you’re not alone. You’ll feel better, there will be light after all that. And this world needs you to show you what brighter things life has to offer to you.
thank you so much for your warm and gentle comment.
no one noticed nor cared the day i attempted, it was only best friend who was with me the entire day of the attempt. she was on the phone begging and saying please stay, and that she needs me.
she was the only one.
it is okay though because she was all i needed.
thank you once again <3
I know it’s not always comfortable to do so, but I can add to what I others already said to you: you are not a burden for opening up.