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Confusion from arguing

I really need the perspective of an outsider on this. I think I messed up. This is a little long. Whoever reads this whole thing and takes time to reply, thank you and bless you.

I met back up with my ex and it created a whirlwind of feelings. I still love him even though things went bad and he said he feels strong about me.
In the past he had a lot of anger (he and I both bipolar) and took it out on me. He also lied to me a lot. I was on here a few times for our situation and received much support (Thank you heart support!).
He’s in healthier place, seems happier, wants to save up to move. He contacted me because he had cancer and they removed it by his stomach in time. He still has a giant bump, a scar, and in consistently going in for MRIs.
It was a lot of emotion seeing him. We kissed, talked, and had drinks. I told him there was a lot of baggage and hurt and that so many people saw me down when I was with him…cry because he called me names when he got angry and struggled to have serious conversation about feelings. He understood and he said he wanted to do things right and build a healthy relationship. He said he was working on being single. He says he loves that I always had him thinking what he needs to work on. I know he appreciates some of what I have to say.
He also said he hated when I brought things up from the past and that hes trying to be a better man. The thing was he did some things in the past that I still sometimes need to talk about. He agrees our past was messy and sometimes I’m still healing from some of what happened… My feelings for him haven’t changed. We had an argument about this…him saying that I should leave old things alone and move forward.

We talked on the phone all week. He even bought me a birthday gift and took me out for a quick dinner. We held hands while walking to the restaurant. We talked some more about his situation. I started to feel sad. I think I still love being a part of his life and am afraid to not be there. He said I have no right to feel sad, that I’m selfish and should feel happy hes getting healthier. He said what really bothered him about our past relationship was that I argued with him so much and that’s what he remembers.

Did I? I mean I know I we fought. Mainly, I lost trust in him after finding out there were other women involved…it effected so much. I look back to the past and if I needed a serious conversation about our relationship, it resulted in him getting angry and calling me names.
I know he always felt bad about it and he got in therapy and starting taking medication.

I felt extremely sad when he told me this and honestly panicked internally. I felt upset that he is how he remembered me and I felt like I failed…like maybe I could have dealt with situations better. I hugged him goodbye, him upset, and me feeling a mix of emotions and then later texted him to see if he wanted me in his life at all…because I didn’t want to contribute anything else bad to his life. He called me and yelled at me, said I was guilting him and hung up on me.

This is where it gets most iffy. I struggle with just letting go. I frantically texted an apology and called him back to plead and apologize. I just wanted to make things right. He said I’m acting like a little girl and he hates when I cry. He said his daughter has anxiety and deals with it at home. He said he gave me honesty about where hes at in life and I couldn’t take it. He said I keep going even after he asks to leave him be when hes mad…that I have zero control of emotions. He is right. But how can I just leave someone be after they say something harsh? I apologized again…he texted that we will talk about it next week and blocked me.

I feel like I ruined this. I didn’t know how to be patient, to let go. I feel so much confusion from just letting emotions get to me. We could have maybe worked on things and I just let it blow up. I feel so crazy. I know the answer: walk away…but I still feel so attached. Im also not trying to play victim. I know I’m not an angel and maybe have some boundary issues.

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Hey Rose,
I respect your honesty with yourself. That is something to be greatly admired about yourself, make sure you remember that.

Second of all, I am curios as to how you truly feel about Him and what you really want… cause after reading your post it sounds like you want someone to give you emotional validation (which doesn’t work and isn’t healthy), and it seems that your love for him is more focused on having someone around and not him specifically.
I may be entirely wrong on that, but this break up sounds like a good time to work on yourself like your ex has been trying to do. Relationships to help problems get better between two people, it magnifies them. So if you want a healthy relationship, work on yourself (focus on loving yourself and build your self confidence) and then find someone who has done the same. Then your relationships will be truly rewarding.

Hope them helps. Relationships are hard. Stay strong!

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@rosethorn I thank you for being open about all your thoughts and interactions. Your desire for introspection is awesome and I appreciate you sharing.
My perspective would be concerning boundaries. Some background is that I struggle with boundaries and it has had serious effects on my marriage as it just continued to worsen and got to the extreme. My husband and I have been getting marriage counseling for almost a year now and it’s still very painful sometimes. But one thing that I have been working on (a LOT) is knowing when I’m taking responsibility or fault for his reactions. It’s hard to identify, especially when the relationship is used to a certain pattern. So for instance, you sharing your pain is valid. You texting to check on him is okay. You should be able to express your emotions and concerns. His reaction was hostile and angry but that is HIS reaction and HIS responsibility to manage that reaction, not yours. From what you have shared in this post (again I thank you for your openness), I see that this pattern has made you worried about your actions and your words and unsure of yourself. That is not how a relationship should make you feel. I see you worrying that you did something wrong or said something wrong that caused this kind of reaction from your ex. You think that you ‘messed it up’ but from my perspective your ex reacted poorly to something and that reaction is HIS responsibility.

From my perspective, this relationship is not going to make you bloom into your full self. You deserve someone who is willing to listen to your pain and concerns and allow you to express yourself without fear. Take some time to imagine a relationship where you feel COMPLETELY calm and comfortable doing and saying what you want to with someone. I wish you all the best :hrtlegolove:

Goodness, that’s a lot. I know just walking away feels impossible. The very best thing you can do is read, read, read, and educate yourself about abusive relationships. Please look up the power & control wheel, the cycle of abuse, gaslighting, and blameshifting. Flying Free is a great website with tons of resources. Forgiveness doesn’t mean the past just disappears, because your past may suddenly become your present as old patterns start again. Old wounds don’t heal on their own, they need to be addressed and resolved. Abusers, even the ones we love, would rather smile and talk sweet without ever taking accountability for their past mistakes that inflicted harm. Also look at his actions, not his words. He says he’s doing better, but how is he acting?

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Thank you for this. I’ve been looking into this a lot and it has been giving me clarity. I never knew about the blame shifting. This happened during our time together whenever I needed to express my concerns in the relationships…even if it was something as minor as wanting to see him more. At one point when we were talking recently I looked at his instagram and noticed my old manager commenting a lot on his photos (I know its not healthy to obsessively go through his profile but I needed some answers. We also used to work at the same place). He brought up that he was talking to her but wasn’t anymore and that shes not on his level…that he wants to stay single and maybe just wants some oral.Last Friday he told me they stopped talking altogether.
On Saturday I told him how I felt…how harmful he was to me during our relationship. He was really quiet and didn’t barge in. At the end of the conversation, I told him to have a nice life. I couldn’t help but go onto his profile again. The same girl is commenting on his photos and he asked when he gets to see her…I feel enraged…one minute he wanted to be back with me, the next he wanted to be single, the next he said he wasn’t talking to this girl but he still is. It might not be my business but if I would have had sex with him would he still be associating with her? I feel yet again enraged, lied to, and deceived. I never know his truth or what he really wants. Why is it so easy for him to involve another woman? How long has she been talking to him for? He was really distant at the end of our relationship in May…Was this the reason why?
I don’t understand.

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