I really need the perspective of an outsider on this. I think I messed up. This is a little long. Whoever reads this whole thing and takes time to reply, thank you and bless you.
I met back up with my ex and it created a whirlwind of feelings. I still love him even though things went bad and he said he feels strong about me.
In the past he had a lot of anger (he and I both bipolar) and took it out on me. He also lied to me a lot. I was on here a few times for our situation and received much support (Thank you heart support!).
He’s in healthier place, seems happier, wants to save up to move. He contacted me because he had cancer and they removed it by his stomach in time. He still has a giant bump, a scar, and in consistently going in for MRIs.
It was a lot of emotion seeing him. We kissed, talked, and had drinks. I told him there was a lot of baggage and hurt and that so many people saw me down when I was with him…cry because he called me names when he got angry and struggled to have serious conversation about feelings. He understood and he said he wanted to do things right and build a healthy relationship. He said he was working on being single. He says he loves that I always had him thinking what he needs to work on. I know he appreciates some of what I have to say.
He also said he hated when I brought things up from the past and that hes trying to be a better man. The thing was he did some things in the past that I still sometimes need to talk about. He agrees our past was messy and sometimes I’m still healing from some of what happened… My feelings for him haven’t changed. We had an argument about this…him saying that I should leave old things alone and move forward.
We talked on the phone all week. He even bought me a birthday gift and took me out for a quick dinner. We held hands while walking to the restaurant. We talked some more about his situation. I started to feel sad. I think I still love being a part of his life and am afraid to not be there. He said I have no right to feel sad, that I’m selfish and should feel happy hes getting healthier. He said what really bothered him about our past relationship was that I argued with him so much and that’s what he remembers.
Did I? I mean I know I we fought. Mainly, I lost trust in him after finding out there were other women involved…it effected so much. I look back to the past and if I needed a serious conversation about our relationship, it resulted in him getting angry and calling me names.
I know he always felt bad about it and he got in therapy and starting taking medication.
I felt extremely sad when he told me this and honestly panicked internally. I felt upset that he is how he remembered me and I felt like I failed…like maybe I could have dealt with situations better. I hugged him goodbye, him upset, and me feeling a mix of emotions and then later texted him to see if he wanted me in his life at all…because I didn’t want to contribute anything else bad to his life. He called me and yelled at me, said I was guilting him and hung up on me.
This is where it gets most iffy. I struggle with just letting go. I frantically texted an apology and called him back to plead and apologize. I just wanted to make things right. He said I’m acting like a little girl and he hates when I cry. He said his daughter has anxiety and deals with it at home. He said he gave me honesty about where hes at in life and I couldn’t take it. He said I keep going even after he asks to leave him be when hes mad…that I have zero control of emotions. He is right. But how can I just leave someone be after they say something harsh? I apologized again…he texted that we will talk about it next week and blocked me.
I feel like I ruined this. I didn’t know how to be patient, to let go. I feel so much confusion from just letting emotions get to me. We could have maybe worked on things and I just let it blow up. I feel so crazy. I know the answer: walk away…but I still feel so attached. Im also not trying to play victim. I know I’m not an angel and maybe have some boundary issues.