Couldn't Hear Myself

We all have scenes that flash in our heads; triggered by a face, a sound, or some just randomly. These can be memories, a piece from a show, a song, etc. For a few years now, I’ve consistently and repeatedly had one such scene keep forcing its way to the front of my thoughts. And it wasn’t until today that I think I finally know why.

I’m at work. I’ve investigated some new gadget which I think would benefit the company. I’ve invested time, money, and effort into procuring a good amount of said gadget. The company asks us to do a project for a client with little, to no notice. We are on site and come to find that we need something to complete it correctly. To make the client happy. Almost simultaneously I and my coworkers come to find that we don’t have what is needed. Trying to think on my feet, save the company, and leave the client happy; I suggest we could use my new gadget that I had procured. We would have to alter it, we’d have to use all of it, it wouldn’t be ideal, it would be a challenge to even get the thing to work the way we needed; but it would leave things functional for the client. So we move forward working twice as hard, unaware if we can even pull it off at all.

The scene ends there, and every time it plays in my head I am reminded of the scene from “Married With Children” where Al and Steve are trying to assemble something. The instructions call for metal pieces shaped like a capital ‘L’ and instead, Al decides to make the pieces they need out of ones shaped like '7’s using his new welder; of which he is very proud. To cut and weld the pieces needed instead of realizing he’s holding them upside down. :confused:

Like I said, the scene has forced itself into the front of my mind for years now, at random times, which confused me. Despite how vivid it is, the faces of my coworkers, the client site where we were, the sights and sounds; but I know that this never actually happened. My brain has completely made it up.

So why do I continue to see it and hear it?
Because it’s how I feel. It’s how a lot of us feel I’m sure. We invest ourselves, work on things, plan, strive, and build toward a certain future. We seek out and try for tools and resources that we assume will help us to have easier, happier, and fulfilled lives where we reach our goals and revel in our triumphs. And yet, more often than we’d like, push comes to shove and we feel like the rug’s been pulled out from under us. Turns out that we don’t have what we thought we might need. Life throws us a curve and we wind up somewhere we didn’t anticipate. We know exactly what is needed in the moment, and it’s not what we thought. Making matters worse, what we had invested in, what we drew pride from; it’s not going to foot the bill. It’s only going to let us barely get by. If only we had known what we needed, we could have had it with time to spare, could have excelled with flying colors. Now we have to waste something that could be perfectly used elsewhere, only to wind up skating by. Putting in 110%, and only getting back 30%, and letting everyone down.

I am actually extremely relieved to finally see what my brain has been trying to tell me for a while now. It doesn’t make the reality of it any easier to cope with. At least now I’ve got a starting point on it I guess.

This is quite the interesting interpretation of what you’ve got going on. Just a question before I continue, if I’m not mistaken, you’re feeling a sense of unfulfillment?

I love how you can address this “problem” (putting it like this because I’m not sure if it’s a problem for you or not) in such a blunt way, and see the solution on what needs to get done.

If you ever need to talk, this is the best place. We are all here for you.

Stay strong,

Interesting scene, interesting interpretation…

Going along with your thread of interpretation:
–> where in your past did you feel like you were unprepared for something and underperformed for something that, if you had just been given time to prepare, would have nailed it?
–> when have other people depended on you to come through for them, and you weren’t able to?

Another possible interpretation:
–> what if the very thing you’re trying to build for yourself is something that you get to sacrifice in order to help others?
–> what if you have something significant to give?

Thank you both for the responses and encouragement.

I guess a less drawn out way to put how I realized I’ve been feeling is: I’m tired of coming up short, I’m tired of my efforts going to waste, I’m tired of failing for trying.
But that wasn’t really my goal with the post. My goal was to show that my brain had been trying to tell me something for years and I just didn’t get it. Now that I finally understand the message, it doesn’t change or help the underlying issue, but it enables me to actually address it. I was thinking a little about it today, and I tried to recall the scene that my brain had been forcing on me for years. I found I couldn’t even remember the whole thing. This little message that my brain had been screaming at me for years, and now that I finally figured it out, it’s like that part of my brain is finally at peace.

What I’m trying to say is that more often than we realize, our brains are telling us what’s wrong. It’s not always easy to understand or to accept. But if we listen, usually the message is there.

Thanks a lot for the clarification. It’s very true when you put it this way. I should start listening for those messages more and more. If anything comes up again, you know we’ve all got your back here at heartsupport.