Today is the day that I got the news… the news that I’ve been scared about hearing for the past couple of weeks after the pregnancy test showed up positive. After the doctors checking for a heart beat time and time again, lots of tears, and being told that this is probably not going to be a successful pregnancy, I’ve finally got an answer although it wasn’t the one I wanted. I had a miscarriage and all I can do is sit in my room and scream and cry and be angry at myself. The pain I’m feeling right now is unreal both physically and emotionally.
It’s over. It happened, there is now literally nothing I can do about it. I wasn’t as far along as I thought, but even then there was still a baby inside of me, and due to my stupid decisions and my life choices the baby is now gone. And all I can do is sit here and blame myself and hate myself. If I wouldn’t have taken pills to cope with what was going on, if I wouldn’t have drank myself to sleep all those nights, maybe 7-8 months from now I would be holding that baby in my arms being the happiest girl alive.
(before anyone says anything, this pregnancy was a result of rape so no i didn’t know i was pregnant/wasn’t planning it til it was “too late”).
I’m going to be away for a bit. Isolation is my best option in this, because the way I’m feeling I just can’t handle, and I can’t burden other people with it when it’s my fault. But guys if you have any love or encouragement or anything of that nature please please let me know, cause I’m broken and alone and at a lost. For those of you guys worried about the medical side of it, I will be following up with my doctor in the morning. The people at the hospital said it had already happened by the time I got there, did the ultrasound and blood tests stuff to confirm it, so yes it is in fact over. I don’t know what more to say other then I’m sorry. This will be a day I will never forget 12/5/2018.
Hold Fast, Because I Can’t,