Today is the day that I got the news… the news that I’ve been scared about hearing for the past couple of weeks after the pregnancy test showed up positive. After the doctors checking for a heart beat time and time again, lots of tears, and being told that this is probably not going to be a successful pregnancy, I’ve finally got an answer although it wasn’t the one I wanted. I had a miscarriage and all I can do is sit in my room and scream and cry and be angry at myself. The pain I’m feeling right now is unreal both physically and emotionally.
It’s over. It happened, there is now literally nothing I can do about it. I wasn’t as far along as I thought, but even then there was still a baby inside of me, and due to my stupid decisions and my life choices the baby is now gone. And all I can do is sit here and blame myself and hate myself. If I wouldn’t have taken pills to cope with what was going on, if I wouldn’t have drank myself to sleep all those nights, maybe 7-8 months from now I would be holding that baby in my arms being the happiest girl alive.
(before anyone says anything, this pregnancy was a result of rape so no i didn’t know i was pregnant/wasn’t planning it til it was “too late”).
I’m going to be away for a bit. Isolation is my best option in this, because the way I’m feeling I just can’t handle, and I can’t burden other people with it when it’s my fault. But guys if you have any love or encouragement or anything of that nature please please let me know, cause I’m broken and alone and at a lost. For those of you guys worried about the medical side of it, I will be following up with my doctor in the morning. The people at the hospital said it had already happened by the time I got there, did the ultrasound and blood tests stuff to confirm it, so yes it is in fact over. I don’t know what more to say other then I’m sorry. This will be a day I will never forget 12/5/2018.
You are not alone, and you won’t isolate. Your friends are better than to let you. Remember the goal is to renew your mind: don’t go down the path you used to go (isolate, self-pity, push others away, numb/medicate) – you’ve been doing a really good job of leaning into support. So, lean in again.
This isn’t your fault. Miscarriages happens or all sorts of reasons, and you pinning the blame on you as if you could possibly know all of the things that went on inside of your body to cause this reaction – that is inaccurate at best, arrogant at worst. I’d put money on the fact that something else medically happened that wasn’t at your hand – remember doctors told you it’d be hard to get pregnant? The same thing that makes it difficult to get pregnant usually makes it hard to get to term. I don’t think the miscarriage has anything to do with what you think it does. Moreover, this entire situation isn’t your fault. You didn’t choose to get drugged and raped. You can’t blame yourself for any of this. IT. IS. NOT. YOUR. FAULT. Period. You didn’t choose this. You didn’t know. You were forced against your will. You responded very well when you learned. I am proud of your fight. I am proud of your heart. I hold nothing against you. Don’t hold anything against yourself, because the only thing you’d be holding is lies.
I agree 100% with Nate. Everything he said, I second.
You absolutely should NOT blame yourself. It is not your fault.
I’m so sorry that you are going through all of these situations, and that it is just one after another. I think we can all relate to how difficult it is to pick yourself up after something seriously traumatic happens, and that when multiple things happen at once, it can feel overwhelmingly daunting to keep faith and hold fast and feel worthy of picking yourself back up. But no matter what happens, you are worthy of carrying on and you are worthy of love and you are worthy of working towards bettering yourself and you are worthy of being happy.
I don’t know if it is helpful or not, but when I start feeling really overwhelmed with life and the obstacles put before me and it feels like it is just a mountain too big to climb, I try to make a list of things that I have control over that I can take small steps in achieving to help get me over that mountain. There might be a lot but I focus on one tiny thing at a time, and for me, it makes things feel more manageable.
Keep reaching out, stay strong, keep fighting, and don’t hold anything against yourself.
Monkey ,
I am so sorry this happened to you . You’ve been through alot . I’m sorry this miscarriage has happened and I know it wasnt planned . And I’m sorry you got rapped . Please stay stafe . If you need us we will be here you are loved .
-ashley
Monkey,
You are so brave for coming here and opening up to us about this instead of running. You are so courageous in telling us your story. And you are so strong just by the fact that you wanted to be ready to take on the responsibilities of having a child even though it was from a circumstance you did not expect and that I’m sure in the moment was nothing but painful and something you did not want. Your strength, courage, and bravery will not go away. I know that you can use it now to do exactly what Nate said, to lean on others for support and not isolate yourself. You have so much support and love on your side in this community, and we want nothing more than to pour that love out to you, as you would like. Don’t blame yourself for this, it’s in the past as of right now. But you can push forward, you can hold fast, and you can stay strong. We all believe in you, and we will stay right with you so that you know it. You are so so loved, loved unconditionally and well. Keep fighting. You’re in my prayers.
You are absolutely not to blame, and it is never your fault. You are very brave for sharing your story, and I hope you don’t isolate and keep coming to this community.