Before i go on i just want to say that ive been isolated for the past 2 years, i recently finally saw my friend again after long time and im starting to go out more and being more comfortable being outside again.
That being said, one of the benefits of the horrible things that happened was i lost interest in love but now ive been getting it again and especially going out and seeing women for first time in ages or watching tv shows and…
Im not ready for a relationship, ive just started going out again and seeing friends and im still a horrible mess and i just think who would want someone broken but… i dont like life sometimes. besides i cant really do dating because seems like everyone is selfish, ignorant, or just interested in sex.
As im regaining my life again that old craving that used to torture me has returned and the bad thing is i cant feed that craving rn because im not ready for love in my current state but idk what to do.
I’m sorry that you’ve been alone for so long. It sounds like you’re out of practice relating to people. It’s pretty brave taking that first step, reconnecting and and putting yourself back out there, being vulnerable, trying to be in community, fearing being hurt. It sounds like you’ve been through some pretty damaging, painful stuff to have closed yourself off for so long.
I’ve read that infants need to learn to receive unconditional love. Infants are dependent on others for care. When a parent looks at them with love and joy, when they hug and cuddled their child, the child learns to receive. Stability comes from repeatedly knowing you’re loved and wanted. It develops the part of the brain that has control over the emotions. That’s the precursor to learning how to give, to have meaningful relationship. Relationship is how we get the love we crave.
Have you had that in your life? Do you have a counselor that can help you along the way? Are you in a position to look yourself in the mirror and smile and tell yourself your life is worth living well even if no one else is giving you that encouragement? I’d be happy to read your answers and respond again if you want.
i get a lot of love from my mother. i just have been disconnected from life due to covid and my whole mental breakdown and recently been recovering what i had lost before covid when i was “healthier and normal”
But in terms of romance ive always craved that since young and never really had real romance. Only small snips which were unsusal. i completely forgot about romance but now that im going back to my older self its coming back to me and its worse now because one: i hate people, most people suck in this society so how am i going to find someone who doesnt suck. 2 how can i even find love when im still like this
i know before everything went bad i used to use dating sites and had bad luck apart from 1 experience. ive been tempted to use them again but i feel insecure and also cautious of all the girls seeming like bad people or who will hurt me.
It’s a great start reconnecting with people. You’re allowed to enjoy your time with people without expectations of having to date or any other intimate thing.
That’s actually really healthy! I don’t think everyone sucks, it’s just everyone craves different things and needs different things. It’s probably a good thing you’re holding off a relationship until you feel more confident in yourself and feel mentally prepared for one. It’s hard being vulnerable with people, so maybe keep enjoying spending time and making friends for now. Who knows, you might meet someone and make a greta relationship with them through a friendship.
Being single in today’s world is so hard! It’s like there’s an unspoken question and peer pressure all around: If you’re not dating, what are you doing? Even if other people aren’t asking you about your dating life or are applauding you being single, that question seems to come from within because we’ve been conditioned to “need” to date. After my bad breakups, I went back to dating when I wasn’t ready because I felt this need. I felt like I “had” to.
The normal advice is to seek out groups and activities that you participate in just for you, and to try to put dating out of your mind. Doing fulfilling activities is always a win, but in reality it may not be enough to neutralize the compulsion to date. This is a big step, but you might consider checking out a Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous meeting. It’s something I wish I’d known about or considered when I was single, when I felt like dating was destroying me but I couldn’t stop. I kept saying “the next one will make it worthwhile,” and each time I got battered by rejection, disappointment, or heartbreak in a few special cases. For some people, ignoring the compulsion to date may not be enough, and a support group can give you the tools to make peace with it.
A wise person once said, “in order to find love, you have to be at peace with yourself.” I think that is so true.
Part of the process of finding someone is heartache because not very many people end up in a forever relationship right out of the gate. You’re probably going to have dates and mini relationships, but that’s the normal process mostly everyone goes thru. So, I would say to just take things slowly and you’ll figure things out. You don’t have to jump into anything right now. ~Mystrose
happy to connect with you again! i’m so proud of you for getting back out there after 2 years, i know personally it was weird for me too but you seem to be transitioning smoothly back into the world! i hope you can recognize that strength within yourself to have gotten you back out there. in regards to dating, the quote that immediately came to mind was ms. frizzle saying, “take chances, make mistakes, and get messy.” managing expectations of yourself and of others is crucial in the dating process. you’ll be taking chances on people that might not vibe with you but it will get you even closer to finding the one that will. you’ll make mistakes in dating as so many of us do but you’ll know to just dust yourself off and keep walking forward. and lastly, you’ll be getting messy because you are on a journey to find the love you crave, the love you deserve. so whether it be finding someone through a dating website (not centered around hook-ups) or irl, just have fun with it! you can’t find what you aren’t looking for. you are worthy of love and you WILL find it! best of luck to you, my friend, you got this.
Hi Friend, firstly I want to say it is to great to read that you are finally starting to get out and about and beginning to meet up with your friends. I am so happy for you. The last two years have been far too long and this is well deserved. As far as you finding love and a relationship or even a deep friendship, I think you seem to be doing the right things really. You are being careful not to be taken advantage of, you are going out and mixing with people not sitting online talking to people that are not who they say they are, you are doing all you can but you do have to be patient, these things take time and its not because you say you are a mess its because everyone wants to also make sure they are doing the right thing and the person they too are meeting are the right ones. Dating is very difficult and can also be hard on the heart so also be ready for that too. Just be prepared for all eventualities and to dust yourself off and start again if anything if things don’t go your way the first time. I have a feeling you will be just fine. Much Love Lisa. x
Hey V, thank you so much for sharing some updates and reaching out here again. I’m glad you feel safe enough in this space to share what’s on your heart.
First off, congratulations for going outside again, meeting people, enjoying some activities and feeling more and more comfortable with that. It is truly impressive to see how much progress you’ve been doing. I hope you make sure to celebrate your accomplishments there! Covid took a real toll on so many of us. Getting back to “normal” can be challenging and every step forward is worth celebrating.
As for your craving for love, while Lisa was reading your post during our SWAT meeting, I couldn’t help but feeling like somehow you know that you might need time to really get there again. Not because you would be unable to date - not at all. You ARE worthy of love, even if finding the right person can be challenging to anyone. But also, it seems that you are still on your way to recover from a hard time, to build new habits in your life and find a new sense of stability. I would encourage you, first and foremost, to ask yourself: is this transition over? Do you feel like you have attained a type of stability in your life that would make you feel confident enough to start dating again? You know how it works: dating implies to take some risks with ourselves, and we need to accept that outcomes might not be the ones we want to happen. The answers are within you and how you feel about it. If you feel ready or not. All in all, you can be sure that you have a community here to support you through this, step by step, and no matter what your decisions are today, tomorrow, in a month and later. We’re here for you and you will always have a safety net right here. <3