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Crazy pissed off man rambling about ADHD

Hi, I’m kinda pretty pissed right now.

So my mom has coworker who was put on medications that make her a zombie. She felt bad for her friend and so I brought up what she did to me for 8 years. And I asked her if she finally understood what you’re doing when you put your kid on ADHD meds and drug them on it for years and years and all she said was that “Well how else will the teachers deal with those kids.”

Are you fucking kidding me? So this whole time she still agrees that CHILDREN should be taking medications that knock them tf out just because it’s harder for her to teach them? Are you fucking serious? Shes an adult, they’re children, she’s not a baby sitter and to become a teacher you need a psychology degree. Do you really seriously still think after all these years drugging a child is the answer to your problems? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!! And then she had the nerve to bring the argument that I willing took the medications and saw it as a good thing.

I WAS FUCKING 6! I COULDNT CONSENT! I DIDNT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT MEDICATIONS EXCEPT- You’re a bad child. You’re a bad child and your mother will hate you and beat you until you become perfect. Medications= perfect. -THATS WHAT SHE TAUGHT ME. And she still has the ever-fucking NERVE to tell me I don’t know what I’m talking about. “You said your dream came true” BITCH MY DREAM WAS FOR YOU TO LOVE ME AND STOP TELLING ME HOW HORRIBLE I WAS, IT CAME TRUE BECAUSE YOU STARTED LOVING ME AND STOPPED BEATING ME AND I DDITN HAVE TO FEAR YOU ANYMORE.

YOU DONT FUCKING TAKE MEDICATIONS, YOU DOMT UNDERSTAND MEDICATIONS, YOU DONT FUCKINF DESEVER YOUR DEGREE. I mean you’d think if she was working with children for 20 FUCKING YEARS, SHE WOUKD UNDERSTAND HOW A CHILDS THOUGHT PROCESS WORKS!!

I don’t need to be a doctor to know what over drugging medications did to me, I don’t need a doctor for them to just set me up with more medications and give me more fucking health issues than I already have. I’ve been abstaini g from my new depression/anxiety medications for 8months (they’re not ADHD meds but I don’t like their long term effects because LONG TERM DAMAGE IS WHAY FUCKED ME UP FOR THE LOGN HAUL HAHAHAHA) now and I haven’t seen a single difference between taking it and getting off of it. There has literally been no difference. She tells me she brought me to therapy as a kid, but what she doesn’t remember is that was BECAUSE I HAD GOTTEN SEVERE DEPRESSION AND MY ANXIETY GOT WORSE BDCAUSE OF THE FUCKING MEDICATION!! I DIDNT GO THERE FOR ADHD TREATMENT, BECAUSE IF I DID I WOULD REMEMEBEE ANY TECHNIQUES THEY GAVE ME, AND THISE TECHNIQUES WERE ALL FOR ANXIETY. And then she says “well I tried beating and punishing” BITCH. DID YOU EVER THINK THAT INSTEAD OF CONDTANTLY THREATINING ME AND BEATING ME YOU COULDVE JUST FUCKING TOLD ME, “If you’re good I’ll reward you with something.” Instead of telling me how horrible I was and hurting me and constantly being “embarrassed” and “ashamed” of me. You’re a fucking adult, you’re a god damned TEACHER. All I wanted was love and acceptence but all you gave me was hate and punishment unless I was good. And I was incapable of being “good” I was a fucking child running around in circles, and when I think about it I don’t even think what I did as a kid was that deserving of a punishment, it was just lazy old ass teachers not wanting to deal with their job anymore because I talked too much or I had too much fun. None of you ever actually gave a shit about us. You treated all of us liek we were supposed to be your little zombies that did whatever you said. None of you acted like you had a degree in anything and ALL of you, don’t deserve your careers if you literally try to do the same thing over and over again. Punishing and punishing, medicating and medicating. And then wondering why whole class of kids tried to burn down the school (Yes that happened.). And when they do that, THAT IS THE ONLY TIME WHEN YOU LET THEM OF EASY!? HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

You wanna tell me I don’t know shit? You REALLY wanna tell me that? OKAY, LETS GO OF THE FUCKING LIST THEN:

I spent my entire life, drugged. Every. Fucking. Day. Every single day was hell, and I put up with it just so I could be your “perfect” little kid. I dealt with migraines that peirced my brain and literally left me unable to move for hours, and you’d just tell me to “put up with it” until I got home and you could give me painkillers or I had already passed out for the day. You never thought about bringing those meds to school, only my daily dose of fucking zombie pills. So for hours I’d lay under the table in agony until we could go home just waiting for you to get finished with your job. As with every daily routine, it became the norm, and I got more used to it, but it was always just as painful.

Then, I lost my appetite and you didn’t even bother to get me to eat. “Oh I tried” bitch you didn’t do shit, if you really wanted to get me to eat YOU WOUKDVE KNOWN, THE ANSEER WAS TO STOP THE FUCKING. DRUGS. Or at least force something down my throat. But no, you always made it my responsibility, when I was a kid that simply couldn’t get food in my stomach because EVERY TIME I DID ID FEEL LIEK I WAS GONAN FUCKING THROW UP. And even when people started to talk, and worry saying that I was annorexic, no, you just blamed it all on me again. “Oh yea my kid doesn’t eat.” OH I WONDER WHY. And now, thanks to you, those drugs, and my fucking doctors, I’ve got a shitty digestive system that doesn’t know how to move. And now I do actually have a severe appetite problem. And you just like to say that “You’ve always been that way.” Why the fuck do you think?

Then I had to endure not even knowing how to talk to someone. I used to talk alot but thanks to those meds I became EVEN quieter than a mouse. I never talked to kids because I was so focused on school, I didn’t even know I could be friends with anyone but one person. And when I tried to talk I physically couldn’t utter more than a few words to poeople because my voice was literally a whisper and I couldnt even realize it. I didnt even realize my body was moving so slow because of how drugged up I was, I thought the world was moving normally but no, apparently I moved like a zombie aside from thinking like one. And those friends that I was lucky enough to make left because I became less and less alive each and every time you put me on a new dosages, or gave me a new brand. So they began to think I was weird. And to top all of that off, it took away my emotions. I made me empty inside and when it wore off I was hyper and depressed and anxious as SHIT, to the point where I didn’t even know if I could trust you. And I started seeing thing, and the only thing the docts thought was logical was “put him on more medications”. And then after years and years of that constant shit, and I finally had a break from the medications, and I, Xaii came back, to realize I wasn’t even me anymore. That aPaRenTly mEdIcaTions hAvE LifELoNg EfEctS aNd cAn CauSe pErmAnEnt DamAge? wHo WouLdvE kNown?! Except for me, I learned that the hard way. Because I was taking the medications, not you.

Those drugs, you took away my childhood, you took away my mental health, and you took away my personality. And when I was finally me again I was so panicked and suprised and stunned. I had woken up and didn’t know what was going on and it split us into two different people. Mori came into existence to shield me from people because by then they thought it was normal to not talk to them and that any connections with people was a risk to our schoolwork. I desperately tried to follow Moris rules of being empty and emotionless, because Mori was smart, calm, resourceful and always had a plan, and I didn’t know anything other than making up for the past I had lost. I started to realize that only Mori was capable of anything so I let them stay and and constantly ridicule and hate on me and protect me from others, because I was different from them. I was the opposite of Mori, I was the kid again, from years ago, just trying to be happy and live my life wanting connections, like life had paused for me, and I had suddenly come back and realised I was no longer just me No longer by myself. Mori hated me, they wanted me to become like them. They hated how happy I was, they hated how hyper I was, they thought I was stupid and gullible, inncoent and childish, and forced me to hurt myself as a way to “teach” me to become normal again. To toughen me up again, they started by making me cut myself, then punching, then stabbing, then… other methods. I used to just call Mori the long lasting imprint of the medications, or some psychotic depression caused by it, but Moris thought process was much much more than that, they became rougue, like their own person. They wanted to hurt me, and they wanted to hurt people. They had a huge sadistic personality and a “kill to survive” outlook on life. They absolutely hated my mom’s husband and told me to never trust him. They were madly insane and loved the look in people’s eyes when they gave them terror. They made people fear and hate me, and they made me hate myself. They taught me that friends were bad and emotions were even worse. They forced me to focus on only school because they said “Nothing else is more important and connections are for detremental idiots.” They always told me how stupid I was and how even stupider I was when I stopped taking the medications. Constantly calling me a “Stupid fucking child.” Saying they wanted me to stop existing and trying to make deals to get rid of me for good, or just days. Eventually they had the idea of taking my life and using it for themselves instead of just getting rid of me, in hopes I would later obey them and become like them and we wouldn’t have to fight anymore. They controlled my every day life and I can’t remember most of that, when people try to bring it up I can only recall glimpses and they were always the bad things. The main things I remember were Moris words and teachings, and making friends with a long time person that ended up toxic, and those times when I came back to sanity and found myself glaring and threatening people under Moris actions and wondering why people hated me and then remembering “Oh yea, that’s bc Mori”. People were always just a nuisance to Mori, and when I look back on it, I remember the time when Mori warned me that making friends would hurt me. I didn’t believe them and I pushed it, they told me I’d regret it, and I do. Those people ended up bullying me and Mori let them and left a blind eye to it saying it was my own problem, and eventually even getting in on it because I didn’t listen to Mori beforehand. I didn’t do what Mori wanted to so Mori went with the bullying, saying it was another thing I needed to learn, and decided to “teach me more” because I didn’t listen the first time. Teaching me how worthless and dumb I was to even try making friends, and repeating everything they did to me. Eventually though they stopped, apoligzied and said I’d learned enough and they trusted I wouldn’t do it again, and also that since we shared this body we would need to rely on eachother so we couldn’t fight. They said they had everything planned out for us and I should just go with what they did, and I ruined everything for them in the end, but their main goal in life was fucked up anyways, but at the same time, Mori said it’s all I could be good for. It’s the only thing that we could both somewhat agree with. And that just letting them in and letting myself go, they could take care of the rest of my life and I wouldn’t have to bat an eye. I listened for years but, once I started deeply caring for people, I didn’t want them to win. Even to this day though, the temptation still stands every now and then, since they did nail that way of thinking into me and I’ve had to unlearn it. They made me beleive that violence was the only thing I could ever be capable of, it was my greatest skill, our only motivation, a healthy asset in life, and that it would satisfy the both of us. And if I denied it, and changed goals, they… They told me my life would end up going nowhere. It scares me sometimes, because back then I felt like they were a demon reading my future. And right now, now that I’ve stopped listening and loved my own life, I’m, kinda nowhere. I still don’t exactly know what they are to the brain. So, we just ended up locking them out for good, just, stuck in the deep doungens of the innerworld. I don’t know if Mori is just a criminally insane headmate or worse? I really don’t know. Am I insane? Probably. Do I have a identity disorder? I really don’t know. And I’m scared of telling the therapist about this. Because what if it all means nothing?

What stopped Mori from coming back was not only my will of saying “Okay that’s it, you’re going too far.” but also another headmate forming and helping me deal with them. A couple in fact. Niko and Kovu. They helped convince me and gang up to force Mori back for good, because none of us liked them, and only every now and then do they ever front, and nowadays that’s only when I feel like I’m going insane, or deadly depressed, or just deeply enraged.

The things I tried to remember, and the questions I have, I had made a deal to ask Mori. I’d let them front for 5 mins and in turn they told me whatever I wanted. But then right after Mori fronted they started to torment me terribly again. So we had to force them out. But, it was really weird because after that for the first time I heard them suddenly out of the blue apologize to me genuinely. They said they were sorry and never should have done it. At first I thought “this is just another trick” but I could feel the actual remorse this time, the dread of “Shit, that was fucked up. I really went too far this time.”, and, I had never in my life felt any emotion from them other than sadism. But, they are still not apologetic about what they did to me in the past, they don’t think they did anything wrong back then. And I still don’t know why.

So, mom, you wanted to know what it did to me? Well here you go. You may not want any responsibility in what you’ve done, but you are my parent, you were my legal gaurdian. You could have put two and two together because I sure could. You could have simply realized as my gaurdian, that it was putting me in way too much distress and you needed to stop trusting the doctors. “Oh but the doctors know what they’re doing” you fucking stupid? How about you think for yourself for once. YOU were the one raising me, you should’ve realized what the doctors were doing were only damaging me even more. But then again you only have half a brain to think and even less of a brain to judge for yourself. In esscence, I don’t even know how you have a degree in psychology. Because if you really did love it as much as you say you did, and really did study it, you would know alot that you clearly don’t.

Sorry I had to rant here. I’m pissed because no matter what I say I can’t get through to her. I mean really, am I crazy or should have this been super obvious for a parent to realize. I mean seriously come the fuck on how does she not see this. Am I not seeing something here? Or after all these years has teaching only taught her that you should jsut drug your kids so that they don’t become a hinderence to her? I fucking hate elementary teachers. And not only that, but now when a tipic triggers me she automatically assumes “You need mood stabilizers.” Like I can’t be upset about something. OH and that’s a whole other story. She even helped Mori with blocking my emotions because apparently being upset means “I’m an uncontrollable kid” when really the thing that made me so uncontrollable was years of you treating me like I was some sort of doll and acting like I couldn’t have negative emotions and I couldn’t get mad at you for the things you did, forcing me to lock them away because “I had to love you” and “Girls can get upset or mad” treating every tiny outburst like it was something tragic and embarrassing, until I actually couldn’t control my anger anymore, and it became bursts of deranged fury.

Anyways its kinda ruined our mood an appetite so we are gonna just fill our minds with bs and think about something else. We haven’t actually been able to tell her this. We just yell in bursts of incoherent anger and then ignore her. I don’t think I could actually tell her this. Both because I don’t want her to feel responsible or hurt by this, and also because she’s too dumb to even absorb this many words so it’d be pointless. It’s just go in one ear and out the other. Her mindset is just too different to comprehend what the fuck I’m trying to explain. Her only logic is “Doctor= make decisions for me. Doctor smart.”

-X

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It sounds like your mom is a throwback to the era I was raised in. The gold standard for child behavior was conformity. If a child didn’t fit in and act very much like every other child, it was a problem. I guess it was a fortunate thing, that giving children ADHD or other medications, was not practiced in those days. Anyway, I wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD until I was an adult. By that time, I had a lot of compensations in place. I also have a theory about ADHD, that it’s not a limitation, but instead a cognitive advancement the world isn’t ready for. You often hear, a picture is worth a thousand words, and if others with ADHD are like me, much of their thinking occurs in the form of pictures. While our peers are thinking with inner dialogue, we are thinking with imagery, therefore we process a shitload more information at a time, than other folks. As a consequence, we get bored very quickly, and if we are expected to trudge along at the same pace as others, we can become very irritable.

Making cognitive leaps around peers who can’t keep up, leads to feeling like and actually being a misfit, and in an environment where conformity is king, misfits are looked down upon. I imagine school was a tense experience for you from day one.

When behavior management medications for children came on the scene, tons of “groundbreaking” research claimed that medications were the answer. The dominant logic was that an acting out child had a “chemical imbalance” in their brains. Therefore, the medications would make them “normal.”

I don’t know if teaching children disposes a person to have concrete, simplistic frames of reference, or if people who have those attributes are attracted to teaching. Either way, it could lead to the thought process that will conclude that the doctor is smart, therefore the doctor must be right. I also suspect, that your mom was raised in a background, that she either consciously or subconsciously tried to replicate in raising you. A college degree, even an advance one, rarely does anything to prepare a person for parenthood. With that said, there is still no excuse for making a child’s life so hellish.

You have a lot of past experience to live down. Yet you are still here. You are deep thinking, thoughtful, compassionate, and empathetic. There is a lot to be admired in you. I’ve been told that one of the most important things that helps children survive bad childhoods, is awareness that the situation they are in isn’t how things are supposed to be. That idea really does resonate with me.

My mom was bipolar, schizophrenic, and had BPD. My father was a depressed alcoholic. The family was hyper religious and cult-like. Among other things, I was beaten, molested both at home and at school, malnourished and chronically ill. My mom threatened me with demon possession if I didn’t act the way she wanted. At one point, I went through a neighbor’s trash, just to get something to eat. I was raised to feel constant shame. I was taken out of school at the age of eight because the school psychologist told my parents I was “retarded,” and would never function at a level beyond a seven-year-old. A few months later, I was caught reading a college-level text, and when to asked to explain what I was reading, I did quite well. That led to a lot more testing, and three different psychiatrists rated my intelligence as quite high. Later, it occurred to me why the school psychologist decided that I was retarded. I was super quiet, and withdrawn, to the extent that I was often not aware of my surroundings. Therefore, I think she confused PTSD with autism. Remarkably, even though I was functioning at an 8th grade level, they put me back in the second grade. Until I dropped out at the age of 15, my insides were tied in knots whenever I was in school. It worked out all right though. I returned to school as an adult, eventually graduating college with honors. I was in two honors societies, and received multiple awards.

That’s enough about me, but the point is life can start out like shit, and still turn out okay.

It seems to me that sometimes your headmates might sometimes be taking over for your mom, as some of their communications are triggering the same emotions your mom does. If that possibility resonates with you, call them on that, not with anger, but with absolute authority.

Do you sometimes wait a few days, then re-read what you’ve written?

I look forward to talking to you again. Wings

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Currently at work. Will respond soon my friend please hang in there. Love you :wink:.

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Can’t stay too long here, gotta leave home in a bit, but had to post a reply for ya!

Your mom is a bigger monster than Mori. Her absolute cluelessness about the inner mind of children is shocking. I cannot express how sorry I am you went through this sort of trauma that forced the creation of Mori to help you cope in some ways that further scared and hurt you.

Thank you for trusting us with this, that must have been a hard thing to share.
Will write more in a few days when I get back, I love you and I’m glad you’re here with us.
Try as she did, she couldn’t destroy your personality, that is still there, and it still shines brightly! You’re a source of joy and wisdom and love here, and I deeply appreciate the support you give to everyone here.

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Oh my god… this was heavy. I need to process this… fuck…

Ok ok… WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOUR MUM. This is just disgusting. I know a person from work whose child has ADHD and yes it is difficult but also the child is very smart and brave and courageos and she loves them. God dammit! This has just opened a door and reminded me why I hated school so fucking much. I dont even know where to stant with this. I want to punch something. I am angry amd frustrated and sad. My dear friend… my dear dear friend… let me give you a hug :hugs: :sob:

I want you to know that you are great and this was not your fault ok. You were deeply hurt and mistreated and thats just horrible. I wish i could be there for you right now. There is a reason I can somewhat relate to your story. I was not on any stupid medication and I didnt have ADHD but there is something else. I might talk about it one day but not now. This is not about me but about you. You were drugged and you suffer the concequences of the bad desicion making of your mother and doctors who “treated” you. This is in no way your fault, you were just a child.

I hold you dear my friend very dear and i want you to know that. You are a very passionate artist, a supportive friend, and caring human being with a scared but loving heart. Sometimes when I think that I dont care about anything. That the inner compassion and emotions have been snuffed out of me you show up and prove me wrong. I care and there is a fire that burns inside of me. I want you to be happier and to have good friends and to find your calling and i wish we didnt live so damm far so i could be there for you my friend . :wink:

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I don’t usually wait a few days, but when I re-read, I do feel stupid.

If the throwback era is really parenting for idiots then I guess that’s her era. I love my mom and all and I know she loves me more than anything, and if she realized what she did she’d feel terrible. But I can’t stand her way of thinking. And if that’s because of an era, then a whole era must have deeply messed up alot of people. But honestly, sometimes I feel like no one in my family is capable of critical thinking, so I really tend to wonder how exactly they live at all like that. I mean she’s been teaching for 20 yrs and she still can’t understand how a child thinks? How is she even working with children? It really boggles my mind. All I know for sure is I don’t ever want to be like my mom.

She always told me she did her research, but idk how she thinks that if she literally fucked up this much. The most I can think is she just looked at Facebook and assumed “Well, there’s all good replies here!” And even if she did research all she could, still doesn’t change that fact that I was going through all of these health issues and her only option in her mind was “Change the brand”. And if she really was aware, then she just kept drugging me because it was easier for her. Because I did everything she said and I was “perfect” like she wanted and I was “happy”. But, I don’t really think she did this on purpose. She’s always done what she could. Maybe she just followed the doctor’s orders to such a T that she didn’t realize how dumb it was. I guess parents think that doctors are “oh so smart” but in the end it’s up to the parent to be able to read their child and understand if they should keep doing what the doctors say. Idk, I don’t get it. Idk how to wrap my head around this. I can’t even read my mom properly because of how much she defies adult logic.

If ADHD is a cognitive advancement, then I’m a bit too fucked up now to even function with it. Maybe if I wasn’t put on so many meds things would be easier, because I would’ve been in therapy for all those years instead to learn how to work with it, and wouldn’t be here years later with my mess of a brain and instead would know how to work past it or even be capable enough of working with it that I would be graduating college or even be in a better one. But, since the meds not only gave me new mental issues but also my past, I can’t exactly work with just ADHD. Unless… If I made another deal with Mori and they held up their end of the bargain and didn’t fuck with the system.

But yea, I’m sure there are disorders out there that could be potential cognitive advancements that we just tag as disordered, and that tag is usually because it can’t be controlled. And for me now, it’s kinda dibilitating to work with. Like I’m aware, and I can try to focus. But if my brain doesn’t want to do it, no matter how much I want it to, if I don’t listen to it eventually, it will make my life hell by spamming me memories or putting me in daydreams that are more like nightmares, and making me side track myself till I give up and just let it do whatever it wants because no matter what I fucking do, it just wants to go by impulse. I’ve thought of ways for coping with it, I’ve tried giving myself small breaks, I’ve tried medications that aren’t for ADHD but says they help with it. I’ve tried natural alternatives like caffiene and that just fucks my kidneys and doesn’t do shit. And now the only thing I haven’t fully succeeded in trying is killing myself. The only thing that has ever helped but caused severe damage was ADHD medications and probably ever will help since I was literally raised on them, and theres no way in hell am I going back to that. The last time I took those mfs they put me on a paranoia trip and gave me heart palpitations. Which is what they kinda always do but alot worse. But sometimes I even wonder if I still have ADHD bc it’s been years and I was put on so many medications for my mom to try and kill it out of me. I mean the way my brain works I’m pretty sure I have it or I’m just insane or have something else going on. But the last one I was on it had made me jittery and I was writing chemistry homework on my furniture and that’s usually a sign for someone who doesn’t have it, so idk wtf is up with me anymore. Though I can say I get bored very quickly if there is no actual hands on work or too much reading and writing, and I’ll get twitchy and jittery, my brain goes foggy and I’ll constantly switch positions unconsciously bc I can’t stand just sitting with myself in front of something my brain refuses to focus on anything, ecspecially if I’m worried about something. And they are even things I would want to focus on but my brain says no. I’ve found its when I do the same thing every day for period of time that I try to focus on as much as I can and eventually it gets harder and harder to do that until I don’t and I stop caring and my mental health is down the drain again and I can’t even focus on conversations with people and I don’t even want to talk to them because I’m so stressed out again.

I guess, idk what school was like for me as a kid because I never was able to get to the age where I could learn what it’s like to socialize without meds. Because when I wasn’t on meds I was always stuck in the sidelines of reccess every day watching the kids play outside because those stupid fucking teachers smartest ideas were “If you’re bad in class you can’t have friends and play outside.” And years later when I was drugged to shit and tried to make friends the teachers felt really bad and started overlooking when I would cross the class sections of reccess to talk and hangout because usually when I was on meds I’d walk in an 8 figure the whole 30 mins every day because I thought “What is the point of talking to people?” Because I was so used to just watching people talk to eachother that I didn’t know the whole fucking purpose of recess was so you could talk to your friends, because I didn’t fucking know how to socialize, and I didn’t fucking have any, so I didn’t see any reason to. But when they saw “Oh he finally made some friends” they wanted me to hangout with them. And then they had the nerve to ask me “Why don’t you talk to people more” Well I don’t know, look how you’ve raised your own students you dumbasses.

Behaviour management is stupid for thinking doctors are always right. And doctors are stupid for thinking they even know what “Behavior management” is, all they know is to throw medications to children because they think the salvation to all abnormalities is more fucking drugs. And that they’re smart enough to diagnose a child without even testing them, and then put them on heavy medications for the rest of their lives, all for the sake of what? A childhood behaviour that is an easy fix called therapy? You clearly can’t trust all doctors, and in the long haul drug like these creates more abnormalities in the first place. And you know, there’s no way in hell these doctors would try it for themselves, they just make it, find a guinea pig, and then sell it. I mean if your kid really needs it then okay, but jfc just make it your last resort, and do your own fucking research. They’re just children, ffs. They’re just children.

I’ve got no idea either, tho I do have more to say about this if you can talk in dms or discord or whatever.

Honestly I feel kinda stupid. Maybe I do have experiences to live down, and yea I’m still alive, but I feel like most of the things people irl take to remember me by is just a joke. I can be childish, stupid, overreactive (like this topic), paranoid, oversharing, unconsciously dickish or creepy (fucking Mori), pissy, and always seem to lead people to the idea that I’m some insane dumbass and an entertainment for laughs, because it’s hard for me to be real with myself around people who don’t even take me seriously to begin with. And maybe I am a joke, but then again, we all have our issues and our flaws, and you shouldn’t judge people for it like an idiot. So I should just get used to it, it’s to be expected in life. And if people laugh at me, and judge me, then they probably have no life of their own to begin with nor enough maturity to look at their own life. it’s just hard to ignore. Maybe there are people that admire me, but those are usually the only people who see me for me, and are capable of not judging and falling for what other ppl spit out. So thanks for that.

I agree with that idea, but I feel like others have gone through alot worse than just ignorant parenting. Like your situation, and what alot of other people here have been through. I mean I know you shouldn’t compare your life and experiences with someone, but compared to them, I feel I really shouldn’t be talking. But either way, I will still need a place to vent my issues out so when it fucks me up I can understand what to do, or learn to let go. And since I always feel like anywhere else I have no place to talk about my issues, I talk about them here. Since, here people can just choose to read or reply for themselves, and no one needs to judge at all. Because I know to ppl irl, I’m just a whiny little shit. So here, I’m not bothering anyone.

That sounds terrible. I’m sorry you were raised in such a cultish enviroment. Those are really terrible experiences, and you’ve obviously been able to grow past it really well. The psychologist was dumb and you were able to prove yourself though idk how school works when you drop out in highschool, I would guess adult highschool classes? That does make me feel a bit better. I was forced to go to college immediately after highschool and I had already felt the same way, I honestly don’t even know how I made it through half of the college after going through a rollercoaster of hell, but I knew I wasn’t completley ready for it. My ADHD makes it to where I can’t focus on more than one big thing, and my mom made me focus both on a job and on school, and if one of the options has potential toxicity in it, my brain just shutdowns for both. Which is what happened. If I’m uneasy I can’t focus on anything. I wish I was smart enough to just endure it though.

But what you had to grow up with, that is still just… Geez… really just makes one hate humanity even more than they already do, and religion even worse. Religion always fucks up families because they think it matters more than their own children. It’s what made my mom think I was possessed by “darkness” because I was depressed, and my grandma thinking I was possessed by demons because I’m trans. I’ve grown to think religious ppl are just pretty fucking nuts -_- All of the men my mom married were heavily religious and 2 of them went to prison for 1 to multiple accounts of molestation. I’d talk more about religion but this is not the topic, maybe another one later.

Quite a story, I hope my life can turn out alright. For now I’m kinda just, stuck.

I’ve never thought about it like that, I’ve always thought it was just the medications, though it’s possible it could be a bit of both, though I don’t think any of my headmates sees themselves that way. For Mori though, could be the abomination form of a parent, though they were always more like a deeply deranged after effect of the meds to me. I still have no idea if they’re an alter or just a rougue thought process tho. Since they did have alot of control, more than a simple thought would. Had a voice, gave themselves a body. It’s odd.

I look forward to a reply ^~^

-X

P.S: Oops my reply was majorily long again my bad XD

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Its always shocking to people, and even more shocking for me. Knowing how many years she has worked with children and it’s still adding on, I just don’t understand it. I mean there’s gotta be something she gets about it, I thought maybe since now she has gone to just side working with the students who have attention issues she’d understand how it works by now, but all she can do is sympathize with the kid and then say, “I’m glad I’m not their teacher.” I just, I thought she’d get it, I mean she’s a teacher, she works with kids. Shouldn’t she know how a kids mind works if she’s been learning how to teach kids for 20+ years? And not only that, aren’t there techniques to teach kids to focus out there that she uses? I mean why does everything always have to be the kids fault. Maybe teachers need to be better educated on their age group and on psychology, because they are going to be part of a kids childhood, and I’ve met alot of teachers who don’t give a shit about their students or their job, bully their students, and then wonder why a kid killed themselves or someone else. And I was also in that sort of predicament when I was in that situation with the friend.

My teacher and the students didn’t like me so she purposefully left me out and gave me Fs and when I looked at a partners sheet and most their marks were correct and when I checked the others paper is was the same and I realized my grade was actually supposed to be higher than them. And then later on when the thing happened and somehow the whole school found out I tried to off myself and whispering about me and staring at me and acting like they fucking knew me or “missed” me. (People are fucking nosy, and I’m pretty sure the whole “confedentiality” rule just magically didn’t apply to teachers and spread it like wildfire.) She out of the blue pulled me aside and apoligized to me saying “I’m sorry I didn’t know you were going through this.” I’m sorry my ass, doesn’t change the fact you don’t deserve your stupid job. Teachers are fucking childish dicks man.

Ugh… Sorry, I went on a rant again… Why do I always do this. Maybe it’s bc the more I think back on the past the more bad stuff I remember. Is it really better to just forget? Maybe ignorance is bliss. This is why I don’t want to talk anymore.

Yea… it’s a hard thing to be aware of. It’s weird to think back on it and know that was not how my life was supposed to be, and even worse knowing how much it fucked me up for the future. Its really uncomfortable to know it affected me alot more than I thought it did. That it’s probably the whole reason why I have all these issues and I’ve just learned to brush it off and not remember it. Maybe I should ask what my therapist thinks. It’s probably less important than I think it is, I mean it was years ago afterall. Though my therapist prolly supports drugging your kids so wouldn’t get it either. Idk. I think too much.

Mori has a point, no emotions make you worry less, and if it was Mori who was here, I wouldn’t have to worry about emotions. I wouldn’t even have to be afraid. I feel like having emotions just fucks me up, I like seeing people happy, but I am never happy about myself. I always wish something was different, I always wish I could fix something. Sometimes I wonder what I’m even doing half the time. You guys are great, I’m hoping I’ll feel better. I kinda wish I had no memory right now. I feel stupid. Haha.

Maybe my personality wasn’t fully destroyed, and I’ve managed to come back, but I don’t exactly have much to be happy about now that I’ve realized how shitty things are. I wish I could like myself like you guys like me.

Have a nice trip,
-X

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Hugs please don’t be sad •n• I’m alright now, just, a lil stuck in a memory mindset atm. You’re so very empathetic and caring, you are very loved and cherished my friend ^~^

My mom loves me she just, doesn’t know how to take care of kids that are “Too much work” for her. I don’t blame her but, you had a kid. You can’t run away from every responsibility. If you’re gonna have a kid don’t do it on impulse just for the sole reason of “I want a baby I can nurture”. That’s usually the only reason she wants a kid. For the fun parts, she makes it clear she doesn’t want them to grow up, or be bad and be a teenager, she just wants the “easy” ones. And I’ve grown to understand it’s not my fault for being a little hyper and having a little too much energy, and I shouldn’t have had to worry that my mom was going to abandon me just because I was too much work for her. For years it made me feel like I was just some doll to her. But now she says she doesn’t want me to die so, I guess she loves me more reasonably than she used to. Though my then she was being a bitch by telling me what grave I wanted and what I wanted for my will when I was depressed because I was “never going to get better”. Actually scratch that, things are only okay if I’m good. And if I’m depressed she does shit like that. “Oh you’re never going to get better” “You’re going to die and I can’t stop that” and then when I’m getting better: “Oh you’re so much better now” “You’re back to normal” “See the meds are helping you” (I don’t even take my meds lmao) “I love you and I want you to live”.

Idk if she’s half insane or she seriously doesn’t understand how depression works. Just goes to show even more she can’t handle a kid. Handle your own shit first before you have a kid ig. But we are stuck now. I exist, by her impulsive decision so, she had to learn about how all that stuff works eventually. It’s just odd she wouldn’t know. Maybe she does choose to not understand it until faced with the problem. I don’t know.

Thank you, it’s honestly weird to think back on that time and realize how fucked up it was. To me it was normal, and then as I got older I slowly started realizing I didn’t even have a childhood. You start slowly peicing together things and figuring out things you didn’t notice before, like acknowledging that I “wasn’t just” drugged for 8 years, “I was” drugged for 8 years. And although I am quite mad at my mom, even though I won’t show it, I am more mad at those doctors, and I despise the medication. I’m sorry for whatever you went through, I hope you are able to have enough courage to talk about it one day ^~^

What really bothers me though is I can’t even think of talking about it with my sister, she doesn’t know much about what it’s like to be over drugged as a child, she only took Adderall and Ritilan for, I think 3 yrs for highschool and college, so to her it’s “Not a big deal” and “It’s just medication for ADHD it did nothing to me.” It’s a completley different experience to her so she just won’t get it. I don’t even think she would want to think about the idea that it’s that harmful, and in the first place we both have different mindsets and don’t talk much. So why would she listen to me. I don’t think she likes me. I have “Too many problems” and I don’t think she’s willing to give it a chance. She’s going through her own shit anyways.

Thank you, I’m glad you are able to find that fire, and I hope you don’t let it go or lose it, always hold it close to you. I really want to see you get into that school, and find your way to what makes you the most happy in life. I hate to see you sad, I know that there is a great future there for you, and you deserve so much good and so much happiness!

You also don’t fail to bring up my mood, I forget alot that I’m not alone and I’m always unable to think of good parts about me. And you guys are always here to remind me and encourage me ^~^
You guys are so awesome.

I wish we didn’t live on the other sides of the earth either! Dx

Thank you, all of you.
-X

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gah, i cant reply long, gotta sleep,

but i once knew a teacher in a not so great school who barely cared for her students, would not interact with them, never did a single fun thing to make the lessons stick with the kids or easier to learn. She’d go to class and sit at the table and tell them to read their books.
But her kids went to really great schools and there, she was super active about them getting the best teachers, and doing the most extra for the kids to benefit from the lessons, and poured money into funding stuff.

It baffled my mind to see the disconnect between the kind of teacher she WAS and the kind of teacher she thought her kids deserved. Like it literally never occurred to her that if she were a better teacher, that’d help the kids do better and learn more and be happier.

So yeah, some people are just sooooo clueless and lack any type of introspection and whatever that is, and can just live in a bubble of their own creation.

Further, I’ve seen people go to university and all they learned was to have a piece of paper with credentials, and maintain their stupid ideas about people and the world but not just be more educated so use bigger words to defend their positions. At those times, I just shake my head and remind myself that schooling and degrees don’t make you smarter if you’re intent on never truly learning anything.

I hope you know that you deserved better, and I really hope that you know you were innocent and deserved to be treated better back then, with more love and more understanding.

Your mother may not have a diagnosis that made it impossible for her to experience empathy, but she is surely limited in her emotional capacity and maybe her understanding of people as complete beings outside of her own head and her own world. It sucks, friend, and I hate that the effects of that linger with you.

I heard the phrase Reparenting Yourself, and i find great power and freedom in the idea, when you can give to yourself all that was denied you back then. She was in the wrong, but maybe she genuinely lacks something in her to know better. The kindest thing is for you to see those missing things, and work to filling in those needs. Maybe your headmates can help you, maybe they all need different things, but I hope something like this can help you in your journey. Much love!

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I think a tradition of “marinating” ourselves in a sick culture has been passed down through the generations since the Stone Age. Damaged children become damaged parents. Technology advances while a distressing percentage of human nature remains stuck in the tar pits. Still, there are angels among us, along with the brutes, villains, and damaged souls. As far as I can tell, it’s impossible to be an angel without also being a wounded healer who is very familiar with suffering.

Unless something has changed, teacher education is strictly academic, therefore, they really aren’t prepared to deal with developmental or emotional issues. Teachers can specialize in special needs or exceptional students, but that involves an advanced degree. My wife did that before she became a lawyer. I’m pretty sure that if she had been my teacher, even as a messed up kid, I would’ve fallen in love with her. I wish you would have encountered at least one teacher like her.

Even as a child, I noticed that a lot of grown-ups didn’t do much in the way of critical thinking. Instead, they often seem to be poorly motivated, slow witted, and exhausted. I got around to realizing that they were indeed stressed, burnt out, discouraged and exhausted. When a person is struggling just to make it through the day, critical thinking becomes very rare. Teachers are under constant pressure to maximize test scores. They are required to do it in such a way that even if the children get good grades, their ability to retain the learning is compromised. Teachers face unreasonable expectations from both administration and parents. I worked in a school district for seven years. The majority of the teachers were either on the verge of a breakdown, or numb and indifferent. It takes a uniquely high level of mental stamina to be a good teacher, and have half a brain left at the end of the day.

What your mom did to you was wrong, but maybe she couldn’t help herself. I agree with you, she would probably feel horrible if she realized the extent to which she let you down. In a way, you were both passengers in the same train wreck.

There is a scientific theory that posits that in some dimension, everything that has happened or will happen, exists simultaneously. If that’s the case, I’m in the same train wreck with you.

Clearly, you don’t realize it, but even based on this single communication, you are able to function beautifully with it, even deriving the special advantages that it has to offer. By the way, it’s rare for any human mind to maintain optimum focus for more than about 20 minutes at a time.

I believe you are a work in progress, and have come further than you might realize, in the ability to manage it. Keep in mind, anxiety and depression can blow concentration out of the water, therefore, you have a lot to consider. You are very intelligent and perceptive, and I don’t doubt that at some point your introspection will reveal steps you can take that will help you feel and function better.

You shouldn’t try to be real around people who don’t deserve your authenticity. People who laugh and judge are usually hiding from their own sense of inferiority.

You should be talking! The only worthwhile thing to take away from comparing is that someone else might have a clue about the intensity of emotions involved in negative circumstances. Venting is highly therapeutic when it occurs in a safe place, which this is.

That is what happened. I want to adult high school, then took the GED test. After that, I took several college courses purely because I felt like learning something, but had no degree program in mind. Then I took an 18 year break before returning to college and getting a degree. I also took some grad school classes, but they were interrupted with health problems, and I never went back. By the way, I was also diagnosed with dyslexia, but for some reason, I have way more problems with numbers that I do words. I had to do six credit hours of remedial math before I could even start with regular college math. It was hell, but I was able to muddle through.

Something to keep in mind is, there is a level of mind that makes no distinction between what’s currently happening, and what’s remembered, or what one may be seeing on TV, or reading. You’ve probably had the experience of watching a movie, where the camera is positioned just as a passenger would be, on a roller coaster. So you’re sitting there watching it, and the roller coaster takes the first deep dive. Suddenly, even though you are sitting in a theater seat or your living room, you get a sense of motion. That’s the brain not bothering to make a distinction between what you are seeing on the screen, and what you are experiencing while you’re sitting in your chair. Something similar happens quite often when reading a suspenseful book. Your heart starts racing, and you might even feel butterflies in your stomach.

Similarly, replaying episodes of pain or trauma in the mind, can trigger the brain to re-experience the same horrible experiences all over again. That’s how PTSD works. A lot of people believe that as long as a remembered event is upsetting, forgiveness isn’t possible, however forgiveness doesn’t require a emotional coefficient. Instead, it’s simply a decision, which may, over time, relieve an emotional burden.

It’s not good to suppress such memories, as feelings related to them do need to be processed and understood. Most certainly, venting is a good way of doing that.

I have more to say, but right now I’m too tired to continue.

Bye for now - Wings

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