Hi, I’m kinda pretty pissed right now.
So my mom has coworker who was put on medications that make her a zombie. She felt bad for her friend and so I brought up what she did to me for 8 years. And I asked her if she finally understood what you’re doing when you put your kid on ADHD meds and drug them on it for years and years and all she said was that “Well how else will the teachers deal with those kids.”
Are you fucking kidding me? So this whole time she still agrees that CHILDREN should be taking medications that knock them tf out just because it’s harder for her to teach them? Are you fucking serious? Shes an adult, they’re children, she’s not a baby sitter and to become a teacher you need a psychology degree. Do you really seriously still think after all these years drugging a child is the answer to your problems? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!! And then she had the nerve to bring the argument that I willing took the medications and saw it as a good thing.
I WAS FUCKING 6! I COULDNT CONSENT! I DIDNT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT MEDICATIONS EXCEPT- You’re a bad child. You’re a bad child and your mother will hate you and beat you until you become perfect. Medications= perfect. -THATS WHAT SHE TAUGHT ME. And she still has the ever-fucking NERVE to tell me I don’t know what I’m talking about. “You said your dream came true” BITCH MY DREAM WAS FOR YOU TO LOVE ME AND STOP TELLING ME HOW HORRIBLE I WAS, IT CAME TRUE BECAUSE YOU STARTED LOVING ME AND STOPPED BEATING ME AND I DDITN HAVE TO FEAR YOU ANYMORE.
YOU DONT FUCKING TAKE MEDICATIONS, YOU DOMT UNDERSTAND MEDICATIONS, YOU DONT FUCKINF DESEVER YOUR DEGREE. I mean you’d think if she was working with children for 20 FUCKING YEARS, SHE WOUKD UNDERSTAND HOW A CHILDS THOUGHT PROCESS WORKS!!
I don’t need to be a doctor to know what over drugging medications did to me, I don’t need a doctor for them to just set me up with more medications and give me more fucking health issues than I already have. I’ve been abstaini g from my new depression/anxiety medications for 8months (they’re not ADHD meds but I don’t like their long term effects because LONG TERM DAMAGE IS WHAY FUCKED ME UP FOR THE LOGN HAUL HAHAHAHA) now and I haven’t seen a single difference between taking it and getting off of it. There has literally been no difference. She tells me she brought me to therapy as a kid, but what she doesn’t remember is that was BECAUSE I HAD GOTTEN SEVERE DEPRESSION AND MY ANXIETY GOT WORSE BDCAUSE OF THE FUCKING MEDICATION!! I DIDNT GO THERE FOR ADHD TREATMENT, BECAUSE IF I DID I WOULD REMEMEBEE ANY TECHNIQUES THEY GAVE ME, AND THISE TECHNIQUES WERE ALL FOR ANXIETY. And then she says “well I tried beating and punishing” BITCH. DID YOU EVER THINK THAT INSTEAD OF CONDTANTLY THREATINING ME AND BEATING ME YOU COULDVE JUST FUCKING TOLD ME, “If you’re good I’ll reward you with something.” Instead of telling me how horrible I was and hurting me and constantly being “embarrassed” and “ashamed” of me. You’re a fucking adult, you’re a god damned TEACHER. All I wanted was love and acceptence but all you gave me was hate and punishment unless I was good. And I was incapable of being “good” I was a fucking child running around in circles, and when I think about it I don’t even think what I did as a kid was that deserving of a punishment, it was just lazy old ass teachers not wanting to deal with their job anymore because I talked too much or I had too much fun. None of you ever actually gave a shit about us. You treated all of us liek we were supposed to be your little zombies that did whatever you said. None of you acted like you had a degree in anything and ALL of you, don’t deserve your careers if you literally try to do the same thing over and over again. Punishing and punishing, medicating and medicating. And then wondering why whole class of kids tried to burn down the school (Yes that happened.). And when they do that, THAT IS THE ONLY TIME WHEN YOU LET THEM OF EASY!? HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
You wanna tell me I don’t know shit? You REALLY wanna tell me that? OKAY, LETS GO OF THE FUCKING LIST THEN:
I spent my entire life, drugged. Every. Fucking. Day. Every single day was hell, and I put up with it just so I could be your “perfect” little kid. I dealt with migraines that peirced my brain and literally left me unable to move for hours, and you’d just tell me to “put up with it” until I got home and you could give me painkillers or I had already passed out for the day. You never thought about bringing those meds to school, only my daily dose of fucking zombie pills. So for hours I’d lay under the table in agony until we could go home just waiting for you to get finished with your job. As with every daily routine, it became the norm, and I got more used to it, but it was always just as painful.
Then, I lost my appetite and you didn’t even bother to get me to eat. “Oh I tried” bitch you didn’t do shit, if you really wanted to get me to eat YOU WOUKDVE KNOWN, THE ANSEER WAS TO STOP THE FUCKING. DRUGS. Or at least force something down my throat. But no, you always made it my responsibility, when I was a kid that simply couldn’t get food in my stomach because EVERY TIME I DID ID FEEL LIEK I WAS GONAN FUCKING THROW UP. And even when people started to talk, and worry saying that I was annorexic, no, you just blamed it all on me again. “Oh yea my kid doesn’t eat.” OH I WONDER WHY. And now, thanks to you, those drugs, and my fucking doctors, I’ve got a shitty digestive system that doesn’t know how to move. And now I do actually have a severe appetite problem. And you just like to say that “You’ve always been that way.” Why the fuck do you think?
Then I had to endure not even knowing how to talk to someone. I used to talk alot but thanks to those meds I became EVEN quieter than a mouse. I never talked to kids because I was so focused on school, I didn’t even know I could be friends with anyone but one person. And when I tried to talk I physically couldn’t utter more than a few words to poeople because my voice was literally a whisper and I couldnt even realize it. I didnt even realize my body was moving so slow because of how drugged up I was, I thought the world was moving normally but no, apparently I moved like a zombie aside from thinking like one. And those friends that I was lucky enough to make left because I became less and less alive each and every time you put me on a new dosages, or gave me a new brand. So they began to think I was weird. And to top all of that off, it took away my emotions. I made me empty inside and when it wore off I was hyper and depressed and anxious as SHIT, to the point where I didn’t even know if I could trust you. And I started seeing thing, and the only thing the docts thought was logical was “put him on more medications”. And then after years and years of that constant shit, and I finally had a break from the medications, and I, Xaii came back, to realize I wasn’t even me anymore. That aPaRenTly mEdIcaTions hAvE LifELoNg EfEctS aNd cAn CauSe pErmAnEnt DamAge? wHo WouLdvE kNown?! Except for me, I learned that the hard way. Because I was taking the medications, not you.
Those drugs, you took away my childhood, you took away my mental health, and you took away my personality. And when I was finally me again I was so panicked and suprised and stunned. I had woken up and didn’t know what was going on and it split us into two different people. Mori came into existence to shield me from people because by then they thought it was normal to not talk to them and that any connections with people was a risk to our schoolwork. I desperately tried to follow Moris rules of being empty and emotionless, because Mori was smart, calm, resourceful and always had a plan, and I didn’t know anything other than making up for the past I had lost. I started to realize that only Mori was capable of anything so I let them stay and and constantly ridicule and hate on me and protect me from others, because I was different from them. I was the opposite of Mori, I was the kid again, from years ago, just trying to be happy and live my life wanting connections, like life had paused for me, and I had suddenly come back and realised I was no longer just me No longer by myself. Mori hated me, they wanted me to become like them. They hated how happy I was, they hated how hyper I was, they thought I was stupid and gullible, inncoent and childish, and forced me to hurt myself as a way to “teach” me to become normal again. To toughen me up again, they started by making me cut myself, then punching, then stabbing, then… other methods. I used to just call Mori the long lasting imprint of the medications, or some psychotic depression caused by it, but Moris thought process was much much more than that, they became rougue, like their own person. They wanted to hurt me, and they wanted to hurt people. They had a huge sadistic personality and a “kill to survive” outlook on life. They absolutely hated my mom’s husband and told me to never trust him. They were madly insane and loved the look in people’s eyes when they gave them terror. They made people fear and hate me, and they made me hate myself. They taught me that friends were bad and emotions were even worse. They forced me to focus on only school because they said “Nothing else is more important and connections are for detremental idiots.” They always told me how stupid I was and how even stupider I was when I stopped taking the medications. Constantly calling me a “Stupid fucking child.” Saying they wanted me to stop existing and trying to make deals to get rid of me for good, or just days. Eventually they had the idea of taking my life and using it for themselves instead of just getting rid of me, in hopes I would later obey them and become like them and we wouldn’t have to fight anymore. They controlled my every day life and I can’t remember most of that, when people try to bring it up I can only recall glimpses and they were always the bad things. The main things I remember were Moris words and teachings, and making friends with a long time person that ended up toxic, and those times when I came back to sanity and found myself glaring and threatening people under Moris actions and wondering why people hated me and then remembering “Oh yea, that’s bc Mori”. People were always just a nuisance to Mori, and when I look back on it, I remember the time when Mori warned me that making friends would hurt me. I didn’t believe them and I pushed it, they told me I’d regret it, and I do. Those people ended up bullying me and Mori let them and left a blind eye to it saying it was my own problem, and eventually even getting in on it because I didn’t listen to Mori beforehand. I didn’t do what Mori wanted to so Mori went with the bullying, saying it was another thing I needed to learn, and decided to “teach me more” because I didn’t listen the first time. Teaching me how worthless and dumb I was to even try making friends, and repeating everything they did to me. Eventually though they stopped, apoligzied and said I’d learned enough and they trusted I wouldn’t do it again, and also that since we shared this body we would need to rely on eachother so we couldn’t fight. They said they had everything planned out for us and I should just go with what they did, and I ruined everything for them in the end, but their main goal in life was fucked up anyways, but at the same time, Mori said it’s all I could be good for. It’s the only thing that we could both somewhat agree with. And that just letting them in and letting myself go, they could take care of the rest of my life and I wouldn’t have to bat an eye. I listened for years but, once I started deeply caring for people, I didn’t want them to win. Even to this day though, the temptation still stands every now and then, since they did nail that way of thinking into me and I’ve had to unlearn it. They made me beleive that violence was the only thing I could ever be capable of, it was my greatest skill, our only motivation, a healthy asset in life, and that it would satisfy the both of us. And if I denied it, and changed goals, they… They told me my life would end up going nowhere. It scares me sometimes, because back then I felt like they were a demon reading my future. And right now, now that I’ve stopped listening and loved my own life, I’m, kinda nowhere. I still don’t exactly know what they are to the brain. So, we just ended up locking them out for good, just, stuck in the deep doungens of the innerworld. I don’t know if Mori is just a criminally insane headmate or worse? I really don’t know. Am I insane? Probably. Do I have a identity disorder? I really don’t know. And I’m scared of telling the therapist about this. Because what if it all means nothing?
What stopped Mori from coming back was not only my will of saying “Okay that’s it, you’re going too far.” but also another headmate forming and helping me deal with them. A couple in fact. Niko and Kovu. They helped convince me and gang up to force Mori back for good, because none of us liked them, and only every now and then do they ever front, and nowadays that’s only when I feel like I’m going insane, or deadly depressed, or just deeply enraged.
The things I tried to remember, and the questions I have, I had made a deal to ask Mori. I’d let them front for 5 mins and in turn they told me whatever I wanted. But then right after Mori fronted they started to torment me terribly again. So we had to force them out. But, it was really weird because after that for the first time I heard them suddenly out of the blue apologize to me genuinely. They said they were sorry and never should have done it. At first I thought “this is just another trick” but I could feel the actual remorse this time, the dread of “Shit, that was fucked up. I really went too far this time.”, and, I had never in my life felt any emotion from them other than sadism. But, they are still not apologetic about what they did to me in the past, they don’t think they did anything wrong back then. And I still don’t know why.
So, mom, you wanted to know what it did to me? Well here you go. You may not want any responsibility in what you’ve done, but you are my parent, you were my legal gaurdian. You could have put two and two together because I sure could. You could have simply realized as my gaurdian, that it was putting me in way too much distress and you needed to stop trusting the doctors. “Oh but the doctors know what they’re doing” you fucking stupid? How about you think for yourself for once. YOU were the one raising me, you should’ve realized what the doctors were doing were only damaging me even more. But then again you only have half a brain to think and even less of a brain to judge for yourself. In esscence, I don’t even know how you have a degree in psychology. Because if you really did love it as much as you say you did, and really did study it, you would know alot that you clearly don’t.
Sorry I had to rant here. I’m pissed because no matter what I say I can’t get through to her. I mean really, am I crazy or should have this been super obvious for a parent to realize. I mean seriously come the fuck on how does she not see this. Am I not seeing something here? Or after all these years has teaching only taught her that you should jsut drug your kids so that they don’t become a hinderence to her? I fucking hate elementary teachers. And not only that, but now when a tipic triggers me she automatically assumes “You need mood stabilizers.” Like I can’t be upset about something. OH and that’s a whole other story. She even helped Mori with blocking my emotions because apparently being upset means “I’m an uncontrollable kid” when really the thing that made me so uncontrollable was years of you treating me like I was some sort of doll and acting like I couldn’t have negative emotions and I couldn’t get mad at you for the things you did, forcing me to lock them away because “I had to love you” and “Girls can get upset or mad” treating every tiny outburst like it was something tragic and embarrassing, until I actually couldn’t control my anger anymore, and it became bursts of deranged fury.
Anyways its kinda ruined our mood an appetite so we are gonna just fill our minds with bs and think about something else. We haven’t actually been able to tell her this. We just yell in bursts of incoherent anger and then ignore her. I don’t think I could actually tell her this. Both because I don’t want her to feel responsible or hurt by this, and also because she’s too dumb to even absorb this many words so it’d be pointless. It’s just go in one ear and out the other. Her mindset is just too different to comprehend what the fuck I’m trying to explain. Her only logic is “Doctor= make decisions for me. Doctor smart.”