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Belongs to: Therapist Reacts to Freak on a Leash by Korn
creating is good. yes. but how do I want wanting to create again.
right now I feel I’m at the bottom of the “spiral”. I lost all enjoyment. I don’t have fun doing anything anymore and I don’t want to do anything.
All I do is exist, work and watch youtube to numb the brain and stop the thoughts.
Yes. I do have therapy and have been to a clinic. Sadly pretty much a bust.
Wow, that feeling of being at the bottom of the spiral sounds like it can just be straight up crushing. Feeling like you are laying on rock bottom, looking up at life passing you by while you just exist and not truly live can be overwhelming. I understand the loss of enjoyment and numbness you’ve described. How do we even begin to go about feeling joy if we believe that we are at our lowest low? One thing that really intrigues me about your post is when you asked how to want to want to create again. I’ve felt that pain. For me, it always came in the form of habits that I couldn’t break though I knew they were hurting me. I didn’t want to give it up, but I wanted to want to give it up. This acknowledgement of your situation is really important and it makes me very happy for you. You want those feelings of enjoyment and fun to come back, you just don’t know how to bring them back right now. You have not lost hope in a brighter future ahead, and you look forward to creating again, even though you may be unsure when that passion will reignite. I know that your future doesn’t just mean existing, but it means you living a life that brings you joy and excitement. Right now you may feel as though you are at the bottom, but that means that you can only move upward from here. I wish you nothing but the best in your journey away from the bottom and towards a joy-filled life, because II know that that is what is in store for you.
To want to create again but not have that spark is such a desolate and hopeless feeling. I have been there too-- in the room that is so dark it seems like light doesn’t exist anymore. At the bottom of the spiral, you’ve gone so far down you don’t know how to get back up again and it feels like there’s no way out. Coping through numbing and going through the motions- to not have fun doing anything and not wanting to do anything.
Living in survival mode is a sign that your mind/body needs to feel/ process something. The only way out is through. After a try at reaching out for help, if they’re a bust its easy to want to give up-- but the fact that you went and tried shows that you know there can be help out there. Sometimes it takes going through some duds to find the right match or going through several types of therapy to find what you need. This is not the end of your life and this time of grayness at the bottom of the spiral does not have to define the rest of your life-- seasons change and after times of winter come spring. I believe there is a time of creativity for you again at the other side of this season of darkness.
Trying to find a good therapist can be so hard. I’m sorry your experiences have been a bust. When I have been in the situation of trying to seek out help from doctors or therapists it can be extremely frustrating and often seem pointless. Finally getting an appointment only to be let down because they don’t seem to listen or get what I’m saying. It can be exhausting. Especially when I feel like I’m at the bottom of a pit unable to climb out and don’t have the energy to keep searching. But I know that feeling like I’m at the bottom is not going to last forever and that there is help out there. It’s not easy but it’s so worth it. You are so worth it!