Crying in a Parkinglot

I tried. I did. I felt on top of the world. But now that has crashed and burned and I am left with only sores on my hands. I tried so hard to pick up the pieces of my heart that I tore apart and destroyed, but the longer I held on the more I could feel it burning. I lied to my parents. That’s true. I shouldn’t have done that. I said I was going to take a job at my college, but I soon discovered I couldn’t do it and keep up with my classes so I dropped the job. But I didn’t tell my parents. I didn’t tell them because I knew they would yell at me, so I lied. I thought I could hold off being yelled at for a little bit. But secrets always come out and it did.

And they yelled. But this time it wasn’t the kind that hurts your ears. It’s the kind that hurts your heart. I was told that I was lazy, that I was a failure, that I’ll always be a failure. I was reminded of my past mistakes such as dropping out of school because of my depression and I was reminded of how much further and successful my siblings and friends are. I was reminded that I am the family embarrassment. I didn’t say anything in return. This always happens and when it does I just stand there and take it. I tell myself not to cry, not in front of them. I know that I can never be honest because in the past when I was open about my depression and self harm I was also called lazy, a failure, an embarrassment. I’ve learned to shut down.

But it’s true. I am the family embarrassment. After the conversation I went to the park and I walked around the pitch black lake and cried my eyes out. No one was around as the hurt flowed out of my heart. “No one wants me!” “My friends hate me!” “I’m worthless!” “I should have died years ago.” “I’m useless.” And then, I went home, but the emotions followed. In the first time in 4 years I feel the dark shadow of suicide looming in the corners of my mind. My depression has been there too, heavy like a cold, wet jacket, pulling me under. Even before that night I felt their breath just waiting for the right moment to come back. I am weak. I’m going to fail my classes again. I am going to fail everything. I should just die. I’m just taking up space.

A small part of me knows it’s not true, that I’ll be okay. But I just feel so hopeless right now. I’ve felt hopeless for a while but everything has just come to the surface and I can’t ignore it anymore. I’m so lost.

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Hi there friend,
i just want you to know that you are worthy. I’m so sorry about what your parents told you. You are on your own journey, not your other siblings. Just because your path looks different than their doesn’t mean you aren’t worthy or good enough. We’re all at a different pace. It’s good that you let your emotions out, because it’s not so good when we keep them in. But one thing i recommend is to speak life. Try looking in the mirror each day and speak words of affirmation to yourself,
-you are good enough
-There is purpose for you life
-you are destined to do great things.
Honestly friend, that is the truth. You are here to accomplish something that no one else but only you can do. God has such a good plan for your life, no matter what your parents or anyone else tells you or what your past is. You’re gonna be okay!
You got this! I believe in you and so does God :slight_smile:

signs that you’ll be okay:
you know that what your telling yourself isn’t true even if you haven’t committed to the idea
God’s here to take care of you if you let him
you’re reaching out for help
and you have a great support system here
it’ll be okay. God’s got you. you’re not worthless. there’s a reason you’re still here. you have a purpose. just because these things have happened to you doesn’t mean that you’re worthless or that you should kill yourself. your loved. and your so much stronger than you feel right now. it’ll be okay maybe not today but eventually it will

The problem is ignorance on both sides. Your ignorance is in lying. Theirs is not understanding mental illness. If they’re comparing you to your syblings than it shows they’re ignorance which means they don’t or willfully don’t understand mental illness. You should quit trying or expecting them to ever understand because no matter what you say to them they’ll won’t understand. It doesn’t matter if they get better or change their views. If they’re comparing you to others than it reveals they reject it. They don’t find it as a valuable reason, but as an excuse “to be lazy.” People like this I DESIRE TO BEAT THE SHIT out of. (I don’t though.)
You need to realize that being upfront & honest is the way to go. Lying will just add to your stess & anxiety. In lying you will always sabotage your efforts. The reason is reality will always reveal the truth. (Now do I say that I don’t lie. No, I do. I only lie to those who are deluded because I told them the truth, but they rather told me the truth was a lie. That is the only reason I lie to them.) Being upfront & honest is sometimes difficult, but what is more difficult is when you lie and your lie is found out and now you’re labeled a manipulative deciever where nobody will ever trust you.
So I am very honest & upfront. I am always honest about my agendas. Yet if somebody is refusing to accept my honesty to avoid drama i let them believe their delusion.
For example, I feed the delusion to my family that I am a Christian. I told them that I was agnostic & a pagan. My stepmother purposely set me up for drama between my family & I. She wanted me to be Christian and nothing else was acceptable for her. She threatened to banish me from communicating with my Father and the rest of the family. I handled this situation by going to church. I don’t mind going to church or to sing the hymns. So I go. It isn’t like it bothers me. I am a witch though. I light candles, commune with nature, use oils, incense & crystals. I scry & divine through runes & cards and when I pray I pray to the cosmos & nature. I don’t pray to Jesus. I still read the bible because I love learning about culture & religion. This doesn’t change the fact that I am an agnostic & a pagan. I am honest about who I am and what I am. All my friends know I am a Pagan & Agnostic. I tell them upfront. My family thinks I am a Christian. If they would communicate with my friends. They would find out this. If they cared about my internet life they would see I am pagan & an agnostic. They don’t care. I don’t care. They believe that I am a Christian because they desire to believe in their delusion. I only feed their delusion because I told them the truth and they rather cause drama than accept the truth. I don’t care for drama. I don’t hide the truth. My family & I aren’t close. (I am a blacksheep. They are ignorant because they chose to be. I am only at fault because I let them be ignorant because I was truthful, I never apologise for what I am. I let them chose the lie. I was and always am being honest.)
So if you are like me and like to avoid drama just allow the confused be confused if you made clear the truth. Don’t bother with telling lies. Let the ignorant tell their own lies to themselves.