I tried. I did. I felt on top of the world. But now that has crashed and burned and I am left with only sores on my hands. I tried so hard to pick up the pieces of my heart that I tore apart and destroyed, but the longer I held on the more I could feel it burning. I lied to my parents. That’s true. I shouldn’t have done that. I said I was going to take a job at my college, but I soon discovered I couldn’t do it and keep up with my classes so I dropped the job. But I didn’t tell my parents. I didn’t tell them because I knew they would yell at me, so I lied. I thought I could hold off being yelled at for a little bit. But secrets always come out and it did.
And they yelled. But this time it wasn’t the kind that hurts your ears. It’s the kind that hurts your heart. I was told that I was lazy, that I was a failure, that I’ll always be a failure. I was reminded of my past mistakes such as dropping out of school because of my depression and I was reminded of how much further and successful my siblings and friends are. I was reminded that I am the family embarrassment. I didn’t say anything in return. This always happens and when it does I just stand there and take it. I tell myself not to cry, not in front of them. I know that I can never be honest because in the past when I was open about my depression and self harm I was also called lazy, a failure, an embarrassment. I’ve learned to shut down.
But it’s true. I am the family embarrassment. After the conversation I went to the park and I walked around the pitch black lake and cried my eyes out. No one was around as the hurt flowed out of my heart. “No one wants me!” “My friends hate me!” “I’m worthless!” “I should have died years ago.” “I’m useless.” And then, I went home, but the emotions followed. In the first time in 4 years I feel the dark shadow of suicide looming in the corners of my mind. My depression has been there too, heavy like a cold, wet jacket, pulling me under. Even before that night I felt their breath just waiting for the right moment to come back. I am weak. I’m going to fail my classes again. I am going to fail everything. I should just die. I’m just taking up space.
A small part of me knows it’s not true, that I’ll be okay. But I just feel so hopeless right now. I’ve felt hopeless for a while but everything has just come to the surface and I can’t ignore it anymore. I’m so lost.