Current fears in life, struggles with panic and anxiety

[Emanakcuf101]

I’m sorry for how incredibly long this is in advance.
I’m not in life threatening danger or of harm to myself or others I just struggle with day to day life because my panic attacks and anxiety have gotten out of control after a sudden unexplained episode at work 2 years ago. I just need to vent as I’m in the middle of fighting off anxiety now feeling all the physical sensations that suggest I would be in trouble even though I’m physically okay.
Anyway, this is raw, unshared emotions and thoughts without proof reading that just scratch the surface so please excuse the typos, grammatical errors, irrational thoughts, and profanity. Thank you - Lucas

I’m not entirely sure what brought on this fear, I can’t exactly pin down where this came from or why it affects me so deeply. I used to never care at all. In fact, most times when something felt wrong, I’d never even consider doing anything about it. I’d just sit there and just go “ well I’m not dead and I’m definitely not dying because if I was I’d know it and it’d probably already be too late “. Now that seems so far away, no matter if I do truly believe that, I cant stop obsessing over the smallest details. I know something’s up with my stomach but it’s obviously not life threatening. Every test that comes back with great results I find a piece of me that doesn’t believe it.
However, every fucking day I have an immense headache, feel fuzzy and like things are just off, my body aches and is sore in places that shouldn’t be. I feel something is internally wrong and it keeps circling in my head day to day. I cant go anywhere because I’ll instantly have a panic attack and have to reassess how I’m getting home.
What do I wanna hear?
That something’s wrong?
Why?
Is it because I want to find a solution or have something to blame all this bullshit on? Maybe both?
At this moment, all I know is that this is consuming every bit of me. It’s taking everything I know to keep my head above water and get through the next day. I’m consistently told that it doesn’t seem like there’s too much going on with me other than not going anywhere or doing anything. I’d never wish any of this on anybody but I also sometimes can’t help but feel that I wish i could have somebody experience this for a day whenever they tell me to just not worry about it. It drives me insane. It makes me wonder what I did to deserve this since I’m a huge believer that things happen for a reason. I don’t think I’ve ever wondered what the reason could possibly be more than this situation. This whole almost 2 year experience has been a trip I’ve never wanted to take. I didn’t ask for this at all. However, I’m now just stuck wondering how I set myself up for this. My Psychologist and I have talked a bit about surviving certain things and how during that phase since we have to push forward these things sometimes build up instead of happening during the moment. I agree with him and his way of thinking. When I take that into consideration, I always come back and think, well if i was just surviving and pushing through then, why can’t I implement the ability to just push past it now and utilize the internal feelings of impending doom as a motivation to keep pushing through it. Why have I broken down in a way I cant fix on the side of the road now? This is another thing we kinda touched on. Theoretically, we can only take so much because the body and mind get exhausted and almost forces us to take it easy to heal and recoup. I’m screwing that up a bit but I understood what he was talking about when we were talking about it.

I also now that our mind has ways of protecting itself and these can come in unnerving or undesirable ways. Such as derealization, disassociation depersonalization , fight or flight etc. Derealization and depersonalization have been the scariest things for me to experience. It is an incredibly horrible feeling that I can best describe as the most real feeling of losing control. It can be set off at any point and consume you. It can’t be shaken fast enough to avoid being brought down the rabbit hole. In my experience, I usually experience them after having anxiety climb for hours. I then can feel the attack coming, and this is usually when I am forced to contemplate the reality of existence, thus triggering a panic attack. I’m afraid of dying because of leaving the ones I love behind. I hate grief and I hate being alone but I’d rather watch all my loved ones die before they see me die. I want to be there for them and know they will hopefully be waiting for me when it’s my time. I used to be concerned about leaving my partner behind. In recent years I’ve realized that nothing would compare to not being there for my mother and my brother Pierce. I love him dearly and would do anything to help him be the best he can be and be there for him. I want to always be there for him to be able to turn to when he needs anything. I never knew when I was younger how much he would end up meaning to me. Of course he was always my brother, that hasn’t changed, but I never knew the importance he would be for me. I know I’m important for him too and I know he loves me too. I watched a friend of mine lose his older brother and it broke him to his very core. They were incredibly close, just like pierce and I, and with these new feelings and fears, that is something I’d never want my brother to experience and I fear something my be lingering that threatens the same outcome. I know that currently there isn’t anything of the nature and I should stop letting fear consume me so I can enjoy the time I have and get with him to the fullest but I cant help it.

I’m reminded daily through my hypochondria and anxiety of my fears. I scan my body at every new or foreign feeling and Immediately asses if it is life threatening. It’s incredibly annoying. One thing I carry with me to remind myself is that the human body does not wish to die. It will do anything it possibly can to avoid this and it does it well. yet I sit here wondering why my chest feels so heavy and ponder if my heart is in okay shape. Every test I’ve gotten has suggested that I’m just fine. I cried in an immediate care office because I was too scared to drive away and had a breakdown. The doctor there was very sweet, she could tell I was having a really rough time ( obviously, I’m a 23 y/o male who was polite and seemed to be in good spirits when I first came in and quickly spiraled into a hot mess ) and whispered my ear while she was checking my vitals and told me that everything sounded as good can be with a big smile. That helped immensely, but I still couldn’t shake that fucking feeling of what of they missed something. It drives me nuts, why cant I just accept I’m okay?
Why do I have to panic If I know deep down inside I’ll live to see another day?
Why was this so sudden?
If I’m solely in control of myself why do I let my mind control me?

The only thing I can boil it down too is that I’m afraid of the unknown.
is there a way to confront this? Accept it so I can move on?
I read a forum the other night in my search for temporary closure that was titled “ Those of you who have died, How did it feel? did it hurt? “
Now these typically as can be inferred are things I 90 percent of the time choose not read because of the nature or potential answers that’ll only fuel my fears, But I read on anyway. One author wrote “ When I was revived, It was the most calming feeling I’ve ever felt, When I was brought back I no longer feared death after my experience “
It for some reason that kind of rattled me. I’ve been close to dying by suffocation a couple times ( which I would consider one of the worst of many way to go out ) and it hurt bad, but that was because of my lungs were depleted of oxygen and doing anything they could to give my body oxygen. I remember it burned incredibly bad in my chest as I fought to break the surface of the pool I was in, almost blacking out. I was young but I understood what the alternative was but it never scared me because I made it up, got my breath and recovered fast.
Maybe this is scarring me so bad because I’m not recovering fast. Maybe it’s because I see no way out like I did when I was swimming up towards the surface and at the moment knew that was the way out.
Right now I don’t see a clear way out, I’m not suicidal, I sleep next to 3 firearms every night and never have handled a firearm in a way that could be life threatening. I’m incredibly careful with them and I make sure that as far as Im alive I will never take myself out willingly. I couldn’t do that to the people who know me and much less I couldn’t rob myself of the chance to get better and live a healthy life.

I hope to soon see a way of fixing myself that isn’t just time. There’s ways but I haven’t found one tailored for me yet. I haven’t found something that I got the internal feeling of this is it. I’m still searching, and Im depleting more resources I have each day. I won’t stop fighting to find a way out of this, just for now, Im tired and Im having trouble keeping the motivation to keep progressing instead of being compliant and just accepting this is my life now. It isn’t and I wont allow it, just fucking tough.

[Gobs]

Glad to hear your getting up and through. Sorry if this is long, take or leave what you want from it. Not trying to tell anyone how to deal as I am no therapist and only have my own experience. Yeah, struggled with anxiety forever. Different situations of course but yeah, hospital visits thinking I was having a heart attack all that kind of thing. I talk to it. Its a bit strange but it’s a thing. I try to think about what its telling me as I know somewhere in creation the anxiety was there as a protective device so it isn’t all bad… just ‘a little’ overzealous and overpowering at times.
So like CBT is a logic therapy… as I understand it I don’t find anxiety super logical so I need the help dealing with the feelings of distress. People are different so maybe CBT works well for some and thats great. Do you know Dialectical Behavior Therapy? Basically it hinges on the idea that two even opositional things can be true in some way at the same time (so like a situation can be bad and you can be ok. Your vitals can be fine and you can feel like crap). If you watch the REN videos he’s basically (sort of) doing that in considering both voices. Then you need (and this is the hard part) to come to a wisemind part where you choose what to listen to… but you choose case sometimes (certainly not always) the anxiety is right and protecting you. Very tough in practice. There are all kinds of DBT tools to help settle so you can get to wisemind to make that choice but I think its a pretty good method.
So for me though part of what I would do is I would talk to my anxiety… ‘hey worry, I feel you have something for me so I am going to sit with it and listen. Yeah, ok, thanks, I get it. Right now though that’s not important, lets focus on X and maybe we come back to this later. Thanks for letting me know.’ IDK, sometimes it helps me work it out. I also feel odd doing it but whatever gets you through.
There is another form of DBT called radical DBT, apparently good for more rigid thinking folk or those of us dealing with multiple things anxiety and XYZ.
I feel you, glad you have the anchor to work through it. Not easy, it takes work, full respect for getting up and getting through. I am celebrating your getting up and willingness to share here.

[earlem3]

Thank you for sharing all of this, Lucas.

To begin with, you’re not broken so you don’t need fixing and you’re not alone with these feelings. Reaching out like this takes strength and courage. Good on ya for having a Psychologist!! I wish more people would or even a coach.

I can sense how exhausting and consuming these thoughts are for you. Panic and anxiety have a way of making us question everything, even our own bodies, in ways that can feel completely out of our control. It sucks!
My 1st panic attack hit me a few months after starting a new career that I was looking forward to, though it was my 1st office job (30 years employed beforehand). Since heart disease runs in our family, I thought I was experiencing a heart attack. Three times I was in the emergency room. When I was told I was experiencing panic attacks, I was confused and frustrated like you. Why? Especially now?
Thankfully, I had reconnected with my psychologist several months before starting the job. She was helpful in walking with me through it and providing methods to use. One that helped me the most, was writing down what was occurring at the onset of an episode, during, after, what was I thinking about beforehand, was there something at work that day that had me uncomfortable? Basically, tt was the small office environment sitting across my the owner and her husband, the office manager. I left that career path several months later, and the panic attacks stopped. I was relieved. Then bam, a couple of years later in a position I am quite experienced in, I started having symptoms again. Used the journaling approach and in time narrowed it down to situations I was foreseeing going into at work but instead it was my mind creating them, it had turned out fine, a lot of build up. Our minds are complex, and sometimes they react in ways we don’t fully understand. Why does this happen to me now? I may never know. However, I know there’s nothing wrong with me. Another method I’ve learned is using evidence-based methodology. When I feel something is upsetting me or someone is being negative towards me etc, I catch myself and ask what evidence is there or is it my brain creating a false narrative.

It sounds like you’re really caught between trying to understand and reassure yourself logically but still feeling overwhelmed by these fears. The sudden shift from being able to brush things off to constantly worrying about your health must feel like a trap you can’t see your way out of.
What you’re describing—how your body goes into fight-or-flight, the derealization, and your mind racing—is a really intense experience, and it’s not something that goes away just because we understand it logically. Your psychologist is right about how much our minds and bodies try to protect us. Sometimes, when we’ve pushed through challenges for so long, our system says “enough” and demands time to heal. I know it doesn’t feel like it, but even those exhausting physical sensations are part of your body’s way of trying to protect you.
Consider giving yourself permission to feel whatever comes up, even the uncertainty, without pushing it away. This might sound strange, but instead of trying to avoid or fight the fear, what if you acknowledged it, like saying, “Okay, I’m feeling this right now, but I’m still here, and I’m going to get through it.” It’s about building trust in yourself again, one moment at a time. And remember, you’re not alone in this. Keep leaning on those you trust, reaching out, and giving yourself grace through this journey. You’re fighting hard, and that shows incredible resilience. Keep learning and pushing forward, healing takes time, and setbacks are part of the process. Give yourself grace and be kind to yourself.

I hope some of this is helpful. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to the Heart Support community, especially after an episode. We’re here for you.

Take care!

Earle

[Emanakcuf101]

Super helpful! I appreciate your kind words and sharing your experience. I will come back over and over I’m sure, to read it again. I will give your advice a shot! I’m also considering neurofeedback as in a way to understand my brain and see what’s going on. I feel if I can see what’s happens in real time when I’m feeling a certain way it can help me understand more about what’s happening and what it affects as a way to apply some logical reasons to try and diminish more of that unknown feeling. Who knows, it could work, it might not. Regardless, I will continue with therapy and push on. As one of my favorite psychologists would say,” the only way out is through “. I plan to get out of this funk and take back control of my life but, of course, at my own pace and in a healthy manner. Just for now it sucks but I look forward to the day where this will feel like a lifetime ago.
Thank you again! I will post again if need be.

[Emanakcuf101]

No worries at all Gobs! I appreciate you sharing anything at all, advice or not. I see no weirdness ( although i understand some might ) with talking to it. I do my best at times but I struggle with listening to myself sometimes and sometimes i discredit myself because I feel the issue at hand is much bigger then something I can control. I have not heard of DBT before but Im inclined to give it look and see about applying it into my tool kit for this stuff.
That last bit you said about having the anchor to work through it, and that you have full respect for me getting up and getting through spoke to me in a way that I feel was very much needed.
Seriously, Thank you for offering your experience, advice, and suggestions. I will come back many times to come and read what you said as a reminder for myself.