Dad defended sexual harasser

(So I have been the person to help other people as much as possible, but now when I need someone, I am pretty lonely, so reaching out here.)


It was a busy night of meeting my dad and his friends after a long time (I live abroad). They got really wasted and sex was the topic of conversation… So, I am a person who believes that sex is a topic that can be openly discussed. The more talk about it, the more people will learn from each other. But one of my dad’s friends was taking it to an unusual level. “What is the oldest guy you had?” (I am 24 years old for context) “What do you think of a 45-yo one?” I’d reject him obviously. Over the course of 2 hours, he asked those two questions 4 times.

Later in the night, he would go over to my dad: “Would you mind it if I would f**k your daughter?” My dad said no, luckily.

So I ended up in a situation that I was the only sober person to drive this guy home with his car. When I was in the car with this guy, he turns to me and goes “Can I ask you a question? Are you shaved down there?” So after I answered that, he says “Really? Can I feel?” no “C’mon, just a little feel.” no “I haven’t felt a pussy in 7 months.” no And when he moved his arm and touched my arm, that’s where I went like “If you move any closer, I will report you to your police buddies (He is a cop!!!) and you will lose your job.” That’s where he told me to not be upset. Nothing more happened, but it was already really shocking to me.


I told my dad yesterday what happened. And to summarize his responses:
“But he didn’t touch you”
“But he stopped after you said no”
“We were having spicy talk all night”
“He talks like that all the time”
“It’s just drunk man’s talk”
“Maybe you overexaggerated”

I have never felt like this before. I feel so mistreated, misunderstood. I have waves of crying. In my mind, I don’t feel like I’ll ever get support like I need from my dad.

How do I deal with this? How do I fight the bad thoughts in my head that tell me no one supports me like I do for them?

As a parent, I’m shocked, mortified, and unbelievably angry that your father did not support you in any way.
As a sexual assault survivor, I am heartbroken for you.

I am so thankful that your fathers friend listened to you - even while inebriated - and took your no for no, although you did have to say it repeatedly.

However, your dad’s response honestly needs addressing. There is no way I’m going to try to question his responses… such as… “Maybe he just didn’t know how to respond” but that is absolutely no excuse. I would have a very honest and open discussion with your father about how this has made you feel.

You have done nothing wrong and I do not feel that you should be having negative thoughts about yourself. Please have this discussion with your dad. Communication should never cease and we need to build bridges instead of walls. Since your dad seems to have erected a wall, see if you can bridge around it.

If you want to talk more with me, please feel free. I am here for you.