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Dark thougths

Last night when I was in bed I just thought about how I could kill myself without anyone figuring it out until it was too late. It could easily look like an accident instead of suicide, but it would actually be kind of painless and since I made it look like an accident caused by myself, it wouldn’t be like someone could think it was their fault, just my own stupidity. It would be so easy for me to kill myself and people not finding out till a few days later and then still not know what really happened.
You can say a lot about my depression, but at least it’s punctual when it turns up. Usually at the end of the day, making me scared to leave the seat behind my computer because who knows what the fuck I’ll do if I get close to the door which is next to the closet with almost everything I own in it.
You want to know what the stupidest thing is? I have thought of so many ways that I can use to end my life, because I’m so tired of fighting that voice in my head that tells me I’m not good enough. I’ve often said that I need a break, but what I really need is a break from myself. I’m done with myself…
Earlier today I was honestly happy because I finally found a way to study and have made some progress at school as well, but now there’s that voice that just keeps on telling me that I should’ve found that way 8 years ago. That now is too late. That I shouldn’t be happy that I finished that thing because I should’ve done it already. Hell I should be working in the field already. And even though I know that I can’t change the past, I can’t not listen to that voice anymore, because it’s right. I should’ve known this earlier. I should’ve known that I have ADD earlier. I should’ve asked for help earlier, not be that person who doesn’t understand, keeps on trying to swim and in the end just drowns because the work keeps piling up. Or to not forget some things that need to be done… So it will be last minute even if I didn’t mean it to be… Or to write words in a sentence, or give a context… forget what I was saying, and then be told that I should “think before I speak”.
And I know that I’m not alone and I know that this is not the worst that has happened to people or even to me, but I don’t want to live with this judgy voice anymore. And I can’t make it stop… I just want a break from myself. Just a break from my worst habits… It’s just so frustrating. To look around me and not to find the thing that I just had in my hands 2 seconds ago…
I’m already getting medication for my depression, because apparently “I’m alone and people will only find out that I died when the body starts to smell, which is about 12 hours after death” is not a normal thing to think, but it’s true. And I don’t mean that I’m lonely without friends, because I have friends here, but it’s different than having someone at home or in the same city. Someone that’s close, someone you can hug. But would I tell them about how I feel? I’m not sure… but it would be nice to have someone that can kick me out of bed sometimes, or someone that will tell me that we are going for a walk now… Apparently I’m really that lazy that I can’t do it myself anymore.

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Hey there @nyntje

Thank you so much for sharing this here. It takes a lot of courage to reach out and be vulnerable like you did so thank you again for being here.

It sounds like that voice in your head telling you you aren’t enough has been extra loud lately. I know how hard it is to fight that voice when it is so constant. What’s even more difficult is it is in our heads and we can’t run from ourselves. I’ve found that when people feel like suicide is the only way out, it is because they want to kill something within them, not necessarily themselves. It sounds like you are really exhausted from fighting that voice, understandably so, but ending your life truly is not the answer. That voice saying you aren’t good enough wants you to think that it is. Even when you find yourself experiencing joy and happiness that voice seems to crawl right back up and start whispering those lies in your ear again and that takes its toll.

I want to say that it is such a huge accomplishment finding a way to study that works for you and that you’ve been seeing progress at school!! That is something worth noting! That is something to be proud of! YOU did that! YOU put that hard work in, no one else! That voice telling you you should have known earlier or been doing this 8 years earlier isn’t right. You have been doing the best you can all that time and that is ok! Just because you are finding what works for you later than you had hoped doesn’t mean you aren’t good enough or should have known better or done better. You found what worked for you at the time you were supposed to.

That being said, I would encourage you to be gentle with yourself and know that you are not alone in this. You do not have to carry these thoughts and feelings by yourself and you have an entire community here who sees you, hears you, cares for you and most definitely believes in you. You are not your thoughts or your depression nor do your thoughts need to become actions. When that voice shows up and is relentless, not letting you see past the dark, constantly reminding you of so much pain, I would encourage you to try practicing mindfulness. Acknowledge what you are feeling, but let it pass. Knowing that it will indeed pass and that those thoughts and feelings do not make you who you are.

Being far from friends and not being able to be in person with them is so hard and I’m sorry that isn’t an option readily available to you. Know that although we can’t be with you in person, we are still with you and hope to support you as best we can. You are stronger than you know and loved more than you think.

Hold Fast,
Hannah Rhodes

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Read these lyrics and pay attention to the meaning. They are hope-inspiring.

Night sky and the stars shine bright,
moonlight, behind the clouds,
I’m standing in the middle of the street,
with hope that someday this’ll be over,

Chorus

Because I know there is light at the end of this tunnel,
and however long it might be, I will see the night sky again.
Locked away in a cage for months,
no escape just counting the seconds as they go by.
Stranded in a room, running out of food,
will it ever be the same? will I see the night sky again?

V2:

Sunset as it leaves again,
cycles, there is no end.
Yet still, I dont dream of giving up.
cause I know that someday this will be over,

Chorus

Because I know there is light at the end of this tunnel,
and however long it might be, I will see the night sky again.
Locked away in a cage for months,
no escape just counting the seconds as they go by.
Stranded in a room, running out of food,
will it ever be the same? will I see the night sky again?

Chorus & Key Change

Because I know there is light at the end of this tunnel,
and however long it might be, I will see the night sky again.
Locked away in a cage for months,
no escape just counting the seconds as they go by.
Stranded in a room, running out of food,
will it ever be the same? will I see the night sky again?

Locked away in a cage for months,
no escape just counting the seconds as they go by.
Stranded in a room, running out of food,
will it ever be the same? will I see the night sky again?

will it ever be the same? will I see the night sky again?

will it ever be the same? will I see the night sky again?

I belive that you will see the night sky again once this pandemic is over. You could meet people and make freinds. There would be new sections in life but some would bring back the joy. Keep holding on!

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@leonafan000 I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be a downer, but “after the pandemic is over” feels like a lifetime. And if I’m really honest, I don’t know how long I can keep this way of living going. Because it is lonely and as long as we don’t have a view of when it will all change again it is hopeless… we’re stuck in this prison that is our homes. Here in the Netherlands we’re not allowed to be outside after 9 pm…
I appreciate you responding, but the more I think about it, the more I’m getting convinced that things are not going to change. and not only because of me, but because of everything going on outside as well…

@Hannah2911 thanks for your response. During the day sometimes I can be a bit nicer to myself, but it’s at night that that voice is just winning. I can’t ignore it and it just takes over and goes way further when ignored. But also when I’m trying to listen to it, it takes over… and I just don’t know what to do anymore about all of this mess… I’m sorry…

Can I be your friend? I do know how much that might cost me, but I want to be your friend no matter what! Please let me be your friend!

I know. It’s like… so many years even though it’s probably just one more year. It’s like decades.
I wish I could give you a real hug.
I am just a powerless kid. I want to inspire hope. Maybe you can make a change…
but I really do not quite know. It might bring you joy to sing a wispy song. Wispy songs (with words)are usually storylines, and something about the tune and the way it matches with the words makes you feel filled with some sort of spirit that was not there before you sang. It would be healthy for you to sing. I hope a wispy song will come to you and make you somewhat joyful. This situation is… too terrible to describe in words. Even if I cussed it would not do justice. The best I can do right now is to send you virtual hug


I wish I could sing to you and make you feel somewhat better but I’m stuck in this house and I can’t even leave the house. I can barely even be allowed to go into the yard without a face mask.

I will be praying for you.

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@Hannah2911 You are so wize!!

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Dear @nyntje,

I’m sorry you’re going through a rough time, friend. I know lockdowns just suck and it makes so many of us feel trapped, stuck and alone. You know you have friends right here willing to support you, with as much love, honesty and respect possible.

It sounds that you’ve been criticizing yourself a lot lately, and it might be the time to break down this cycle. Just to put a branch in the wheel so it stops fueling negative thoughts. Learning to be fair with ourselves is a constant work in progress, you know that already, but it’s also why it’s awesome that you decide to reach out as you do here. Those thoughts are overwhelming, draining, but it’s possible to work on them and embrace a different perspective. Step by step, always.

You can say a lot about my depression, but at least it’s punctual when it turns up.

There is something positive with that statement. You’re reaching an interesting level of self-awareness, you understand how your depression and dark thoughts work and when it strikes. This can be used at your advantage. Even if it’s not a fixed rule, you notice patterns that keep happening within you. It means you can gain power over it. You can anticipate how it’s going to be during the evening. You can think about habits to create and make this transition between the day and night something healthy, peaceful, comforting, and not something to be afraid of. Habits like that, thoughts habits, can be unlearned, day by day, through small actions and changes. But it means to think about what you can do about it before you reach that point, when you’re feeling okay-ish, when you can be more rational.

So what about creating an evening routine and working on that with your therapist? If you’ve already tried before but it didn’t work, then it doesn’t mean it’s not worth it to persevere. It’s actually because it’s difficult that it will give you the best results. Just don’t overdo it. Think about something to add this week, every evening, for example, then add something new next week, and so on. Things that make you feel at peace, that bring you joy, things that allow you to reconnect to yourself in a way that doesn’t feel like a battle. Set some goals to reach, progressively, so you don’t overwhelm yourself. But if you do so, please don’t hesitate to work on it with your therapist. And if she’s not willing to help… then I want to encourage you to look after a different counselor. In any case, you are not stuck with this pattern. You are not doomed to “just endure” every evening and night. There are steps to take, changes to make.

I’m already getting medication for my depression, because apparently “I’m alone and people will only find out that I died when the body starts to smell, which is about 12 hours after death” is not a normal thing to think, but it’s true.

Having this kind of thought doesn’t make you guilty of anything. I have suicidal thoughts on a daily basis, but that doesn’t make me weird. It’s just the manifestation of your struggles and your desire to feel something different, to feel better. You’re not on medication because there would be something wrong with you. You’re on medication because it’s supposed to help you find the energy you need to take care of yourself and take steps forwards. It’s not a happy pill though. It won’t make the suicidal thoughts disappear suddenly, because this will be the result of a work on yourself, which can only happen in the long run, by taking care of your body and your mind.

Now, do you find this medication helpful as it is right now? Or do you think some changes would be needed? Again, if you feel like you’re reaching some kind of plateau, or if you feel like the meds you’re taking are useless, please talk about it to your therapist. And again², if she doesn’t seem to listen, please look after a different therapist. It’s their job to help you the best way possible. You deserve the right level of support.

And I know that I’m not alone and I know that this is not the worst that has happened to people or even to me, but I don’t want to live with this judgy voice anymore. And I can’t make it stop… I just want a break from myself. Just a break from my worst habits… It’s just so frustrating.

It is frustrating, indeed. And I wish it could be different now and not in an unexpected time.

You know, we all have this judgy voice. It just manifests differently depending on what matters to us or not. Even people who seem overly confident can be very very hard on themselves, silently.

It’s a personal perspective, but I don’t think the goal is to make it stop though. That would be very unfair to ourselves to try to suppress something that has been part of us for so long. Just like if we have an accident that makes us unable to walk temporarily, we can’t expect to be able to walk just after a week of rehabilitation. It’s not a realistic expectation. But once this is said, it doesn’t mean we have to listen to this judgy voice either. We don’t have to trust this voice if its only purpose is to make us feel bad and keep ourselves from living the life we desire. Our inner dialogue can be very convincing but it doesn’t control us. We can always question those voices, ask ourselves if they’re legitimate or not. The more we remind ourselves we are in control, the more we respond “no” to this inner critic, the more we empower ourselves.

When you see yourself thinking things about yourself, try to challenge those thoughts. Ask yourself one thing: is it helping me? Or is it putting me down? If it falls in the second category, give yourself permission to say “no thanks” to that thought. The more you do it, the easier it will get to identify the purpose of this voice and to ignore it, gently.

Earlier today I was honestly happy because I finally found a way to study and have made some progress at school as well, but now there’s that voice that just keeps on telling me that I should’ve found that way 8 years ago.

Okay. Is this thought helping you? Does it bring anything that will help you grow?

Learning is a process. There’s absolutely no timeline to follow, except the ones you impose to yourself. Are those standards fair though? And who dictates this “I should have found that way 8 years ago”? Is it you? Is it people close to you? Is it the society we’re living in? Does it deserve you to let yourself fall in a pit of guilt and remorses?

That now is too late.

You’ve proved to yourself that it’s not too late, because you’ve learned that now. It can’t be too late as long as you’re breathing and following your goals.

That I shouldn’t be happy that I finished that thing because I should’ve done it already.

Those two things are not related. There is no cause/consequence effect here. You have the right to be happy and celebrate a success today, regardless of what you didn’t do in the past or how long it took to get there. What matters is that you are there. You found a way to learn that suits you, and that’s a huge progress that will keep helping you in the future. You learn from what wasn’t working before. It’s progress.

And even though I know that I can’t change the past, I can’t not listen to that voice anymore, because it’s right.

Try to question the motivation behind that voice. Does it help you to be closer to your goals? Or is it keeping you away from it by slowing you down?

I should’ve known that I have ADD earlier.

You are not a doctor. So, no, you shouldn’t have known that earlier. Something that has been part of us for a very long time, if not forever, just feels normal to us, so we just don’t question it until it gets really unbearable. People who have addictions, depressions, personality disorders (…) are more often diagnosed later in life than when they noticed the first signs of it. You can have a gut feeling for a long time, but that doesn’t mean you’ll listen to it either. For example, I’ve always thought and was told that I was just “shy” while I’ve been extremely anxious for almost my entire life. It’s been really hard to learn that it’s not a thing related to my personality, but a struggle that can actually be worked on… Which makes all the difference. Just like ADD might be part of you, but it doesn’t define you.

Or to not forget some things that need to be done… So it will be last minute even if I didn’t mean it to be… Or to write words in a sentence, or give a context… forget what I was saying, and then be told that I should “think before I speak”.

What are the things you could do, tools and resources you could use, to help you not forget things to do? Are you using effective tools (agenda, apps, alarms…) to support yourself?

As for people who said that you should “think before you speak”, they sound to be just judgmental for no real reason. You don’t need to let that affect your energy or your heart. For only one reason: what they said is pointless in this context. It’s just empty words. It’s like saying to someone who’s depressed that they “should just be more active”. It’s only a way to ignore all the intermediate steps that it requires for someone who struggles to do something that seems obvious and almost natural for someone else.

And I don’t mean that I’m lonely without friends, because I have friends here, but it’s different than having someone at home or in the same city. Someone that’s close, someone you can hug. But would I tell them about how I feel? I’m not sure… but it would be nice to have someone that can kick me out of bed sometimes, or someone that will tell me that we are going for a walk now…

Having someone close to you and someone far away is different, indeed. Though having someone close to you doesn’t solve everything. At best, it gives you some extra-motivation, but it doesn’t heal you. Accountability and self-care are highly personal. So many people, just like me, are sharing their life with someone yet are struggling on a daily basis. It brings a whole different level of guilt as well, because you know that your incapacity to do things you want impacts the people you love as well. The hard work still needs to happen by ourselves, whether we are physically alone or not. Because it’s not really about being alone or not. It’s about our capacity to embrace solitude as a way to connect to ourselves in a gentle, loving, compassionate way. It’s about learning to accept ourselves as we are at the moment, in the most honest way possible. With our mistakes, for sure, but also all our strength and beauty.

I’m not ignoring what you said or invalidating how you feel by the way. I’m aware of how much loneliness can be painful and heartbreaking. I’ll never forget the years when I felt really alone. Having this same thought as you: “if I die now, no one would notice before at least a week, and that wouldn’t even be from the people I love, but my neighbours”. It’s a very, very painful thought. Though I can tell, even with a distance, I would notice. I would know. I care about you, regardless of what your mind tries to convince you sometimes.

Apparently I’m really that lazy that I can’t do it myself anymore.

There’s so many different factors to take in account, especially with depression. You’re not “just lazy”. That’s a lie your depression is telling you. And I know it’s a pretty convincing one, but it’s just not true. Would you tell someone with asthma that they are lazy for walking during a race, just to catch their breath sometimes, while others are running really fast? I understand that you’re not where you want, right now, in your life. You’re not meeting your expectations. Trust me… I really feel that on my end, and it’s just hard to keep hope, to not see myself as a failure. But if you and I are still here, it means we didn’t fail. It’s quite the opposite.

I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be a downer, but “after the pandemic is over” feels like a lifetime.

I agree. And if we’re honest, we’re more likely to have to learn to live with the virus. It’s not going to disappear suddenly. Which doesn’t mean we’re going to be under lockdowns for years. Just that we’re learning new ways to adapt ourselves.

If your home feels like a prison, what can you do to improve that? Are you surrounded by things that bring you joy? Do you let the natural light enter your room during the day (even if it’s not a lot)? What about a morning walk a bit everyday? Here we’re not allowed to be outside after 10pm either. But the morning can still be a good time to get some fresh air and start the day more peacefully. And if you don’t have time in the morning, you can try to wake up a bit earlier so you give yourself this time. A moment only dedicated for you. With no pressure, no expectation. Just you, being you, breathing, being alive.

I hear you, friend, and I wish I could give you a giant hug right now. Really.
In the meantime, I want to encourage you to identify the lies you’ve been telling yourself and to challenge them. You can even do it here if it helps.

You know they are lies, even if they’re pretty convincing at the moment, because you’ve been sharing all of this here, in a place of support. List those thoughts. Challenge them one by one. Ask yourself what you’d say if it was said to a friend. You don’t have to let those thoughts drain your energy. I believe in you, Nyn’.

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I can understand how it can be easier to be nicer to yourself during the day. There are more distractions and things are busy so you don’t have a lot of time to listen to that voice. Night time is a different story. There’s not the activity of the day, just the night, you and your thoughts and that can get pretty dark pretty fast. I get that. I think the key to mindfulness is recognizing what you’re feeling, not necessarily listening to that voice. That voice is not helpful, but rather damaging and hurtful. It truly is hard to know how to tackle this because that voice gets so loud. For that reason, I’d encourage you to keep reaching out here and communicating with us. It can be hard to remember the truth about ourselves when that voice gets so loud and relentless so we will be more than happy to give you that gentle reminder of the truth about yourself to help you fight that voice. That voice is not founded in truth nor does it define you. :black_heart:

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