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Dating and Family Issues

Disclaimer: please keep this post in the heart support wall. This afternoon Dan and Casey were discussing topics from here and I don’t want that because my boyfriend is part of the HS community. Normally I wouldn’t have an issue because my story could help somebody else but he could just happen to be in a stream one day and hear the story and he’s going to know exactly who wrote the post
I’m in a good long distance relationship. Things seem to be going well and that worries me. I don’t think my family is going to accept him or the idea of me dating someone from outside the country. I’ve never had a boyfriend in my life and I’m nearing late 20s. I know some people might say “You’re an adult you can do what you want” But this is much bigger than that. My parents are really nice, they’ve taken care of me my whole life and they still support me. They’re just stuck in an old mindset. They consider dating to be a very serious road that will eventually lead to getting married. On top of everything, I’m dating outside my culture which they seem to be okay with but my concern is that they’re not going to give him a chance because he lives in another country and that I’ve never met or seen him in person and they would just think that he’s a random stranger that might be taking advantage of me. Once travel becomes possible, he’s going to come visit me. That’s my chance of getting to know him better in person and seeing if we are going further. I was just going to make up some excuse about going on a trip for a week with my friends when he comes to visit. I am in an emotional state all day depressed and anxious because I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future and I’m just very sad because I genuinely like him and he genuinely likes me. My boyfriend doesn’t understand where I’m coming from and doesn’t see my concern as a legitimate problem because I guess he’s not exposed to different cultures that are a bit more strict. Even when you’re an adult, there are certain things that hold you back when it comes to family so I can’t talk to him about it because he thinks that everything’s going to turn out fine. I just don’t know where to go. I go to therapy and it makes me feel worse after because this topic is so upsetting for me. I feel so much resentment towards my dad especially because growing up he was a very strict and he’s loosened up a bit and improved but he still set in some of his ways. I’m so lost, I just wanna be happy

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From: RocquetMan (Discord)

Hey. Thank you so much for sharing. You are an adult and you can absolutely do what you want but that doesn’t mean that the thoughts of others still don’t affect you just because you’re older. Especially from parents. Each of us have the voice of a parent or guardian or some authority figure in our heads and that becomes the voice that we talk to ourselves with. I feel as if that’s impacting a majority of your decision making and why you’re feeling the way you’re feeling about the situation you’re in. At the end of the day, you deserve to be happy. Reiterate to your significant other how this affects you and, cultural differences aside, if not talked about it might become a prevailing issue over the course of your relationship which I would hate to see happen being that the two of you are going good together. You can do this. You deserve to be happy. I want you to be happy. Let us know how it goes. Hold fast.

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hey stuck,

want to start this reply off by saying that online friendships and relationships are an incredible thing. i’m sorry that there is still a generational gap with older people to not understand that they carry as much significance and bonds as an exclusive face-to-face relationship. just know that you are heard and you are understood.

it seems like you both make each other incredibly happy which is amazing!! i hope y’all’s visit (once able to) is one of the happiest moments in your life and that the concern of clashing cultures washes away. it is very hard though to have those boundaries when discussing family, especially in the first few stages of a relationship. i also hope that the depression and anxiety of it all can be eased as much as possible because the future is so unknown. but you two will conquer the future together so i hope you are able to hold on to that hope.

i wish you both the best and can’t wait to hear very soon how it went when he comes to visit you!

love,
twix

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I really don’t think that my boyfriend is going to understand what I’m going through because I have tried talking to him but he just doesn’t seem to get it. He gave an example to me one time. If his sibling were to date someone that his Mom didn’t like that doesn’t mean the sibling is going to stop dating their significant other. And I understand that but he doesn’t understand that my family’s dynamic is not like his or anybody he knows. I feel like bringing up this issue to him just makes him upset every time because he doesn’t want to think about us not being together. I don’t know every time I talk about it it just kind of spoils the mood and I pretty much feel alone after. Sometimes he makes me feel like I’m overthinking things and over complicating them. I don’t blame him because I don’t think he’s exposed to anything similar to this. I just hate when he says “I don’t know what to say”. It gives me no comfort and it just makes me feel worse after
I really like him, we talk to each other all day, he doesn’t make me feel like I’m a bother, he tells me to wake him up anytime I want to talk, we spend a lot of time together. I’ve never dated anybody but I have tried and it’s always me giving my hundred and the other person just not reciprocating any energy back. This is the first time I genuinely feel like I could be happy with somebody
I don’t think it’s likely that I’ll talk to him about this anytime soon. I’m just in a fragile state and I can’t handle him being either annoyed or distant or unresponsive because it’s just going to make me feel guilty

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I hope what you say is the case. But I feel like the opposite is going to happen. Even when we meet I’m still going to be thinking about my parents. I really hope I could enjoy our time together But I’m a very anxious person and It’s very easy to get thoughts in my head but very difficult to get thoughts out. Anytime I think about him coming here, I immediately get anxious because I have to come up with a whole story about how I’m going out with my friends for a week. Plus my sister doesn’t have any friends and loves to tag along but I cannot tell my sister about him. One time I told her that I had a crush on a guy and she pretty much told me to tell my dad about it because she doesn’t want any issues or fights happening in the family or whatever. I didn’t want to tell my dad because me and this dude have barely talked, I just worked at the campus Starbucks and thought I liked him. We were barely friends but she got that thought in my head and it would keep me anxious at all times so I finally have to tell my dad. His reaction to that wasn’t awful. He just said to be friends for now and see where it goes because like I mentioned earlier, the word dating is a lot more serious in my household than in other people’s house. I think his reaction wasn’t that drastic because I saw the guy interacted with him and went to the same school as him. One time I told my dad about getting on a dating app and he was vehemently against it and told me to do “whatever you want to do” But it was in that disappointed voice, where it makes you feel guilty for doing what you want to do. I guess he was against dating apps because you don’t know who you’re talking to, you’ve never met the person and I feel like it’s the same in this case where I haven’t met my current boyfriend and he’s in a different country. That’s basically how I can gauge his reaction. His demeanor was much calmer when I was talking about somebody I knew and went to school with but the second I start talking about someone I haven’t met, or meeting somebody online, it’s a whole different reaction

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I also wanted to say thank you for taking the time to reply. I just kind of threw this post up here anxiously hoping my boyfriend doesn’t find out that I’m talking about him. We have a pretty open relationship where we can talk about anything that’s bothering us but this is the one topic I don’t want to talk to him about because I just feel like he shuts down every time and I can’t handle that. I have been suicidal for years now and the thoughts have gotten worse because my thinking is that I’d rather die than deal with this in the future. It’s really nothing to look forward to

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absolutely, stuck, i’m glad we can all be here for you. also, the comforting thing about heartsupport is that it is so anonymous and allows people to vent about the things they need to in order to grow!

i really do believe that once y’all do meet up that everything will be okay. when i met my best friend in person after only communicating online for 7 years, the dynamic changed in such a positive way because we were able to unlock that new element of transparency, humanity, and being able to just hug the heck outta her. and i say with confidence that this same feeling will be felt between y’all as well in your own ways.

when it comes to your dad though and different tones people can take dating as, i think your focus should be on yourself and your boyfriend because anything outside of that doesn’t matter. this is gonna sound corny as hell but if you two truly love each other emotionally, that love will conquer all. and honestly, my friend, even if it doesn’t work out, you did something for yourself and allowed you to break away from those family expectations to how a relationship should be. i’m proud of you for that!

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Having my dad constantly in my head messes with how I feel about my boyfriend. It constantly makes me second guess what I’m doing or how I feel towards him and it’s just very difficult to separate my emotions. Do I think this is a good relationship or am I just doing this because I’m resentful towards my dad and want to be different?
I know My boyfriend likes me, I know he cares about me, I know he wants to see me happy so yes this is a good relationship but having my dad in my head always clouds everything. I really do try to separate it. It’s hard

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I can’t enjoy a nice moment. I was watching a movie feeling relaxed and now I’m about to go to sleep and I can’t sleep again. This is a constant thought in my mind and a constant worry I have and I can’t seem to let go. The constant nagging thoughts about how everything is going to go. I know it’s not going to go well at all, all I ever do is try to prepare for it but I feel like I can’t prepare enough because I genuinely don’t know what I would do until I’m put in the scenario. In my mind, I’m thinking about all the different ways I can Tell my parents about my relationship And I’m losing my mind. It’s so stressful. A lot of the times I just feel like dying would be the easier thing than dealing with this crap

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