Dealing with suicide thoughts and a personality disorder

hey… im not really sure how to explain everything that has and is happening right now because its pretty late and i have school tomorrow lol but ill try my best

so i just broke up with my ex (yes, it was edating but the feelings were still the same, so please dont judge me ive been bullied for that enough already) and throughout our entire relationship, especially in the beginning, ive always known she was being abusive to me because of all the constant lying… for example, i thought her brother was real for the first 2 months of us dating, about once or twice every week or so she would lie (i knew she was lying because of several factors) about going out to parties and hanging out alone with friends (especially male friends, mind you). before all this happened i was doing fine in the paranoia part when it came to everything i had experienced, but something about the constant reign of deceptions and mind control she was giving me. all this made me start to severely overthink everything she was doing and well… if she was cheating on me of course.
skip ahead a couple of months with multiple lies making me feel worse i finally find out that apparently through all this time i was just her side hoe or whatever because she had been dating, not just fucking, but literally full on dating 2 other guys while i was just sitting there, loving her more than anything and trusting her enough to give her everything i had, behind a screen like an idiot. so i guess this did teach me not to ever fall in love with people over the internet again. this all happened last week so everything is still really fresh to me and i cant stop thinking about her no matter what i do, i cannot find a distraction even though ive tried everything i like doing… it feels so hopeless idek what to say about it anymore.

the only thing i got from this relationship is making it harder for me to trust people in the future again because of the fucking personality disorder i developed from this relationship, ppd. the real problem is that, even though she has left me i still overthink everything that happened and might happen in the future (like… yesterday i got this thought that what if she becomes a world-wide super star and then i get reminded of her for literally every day of the rest of my life… it doesnt even make any sense?? ive also been thinking that she might still be cheating on me even though she isnt my girlfriend anymore…) so because of all this thinking and all of these daily breakdowns im having ive started to consider that maybe suicide is the best way to go. i dont enjoy living right now and i cant see a single reality where this gets better because now im stuck with this fucking disorder which makes my life so much harder and i have no idea what will further come from it. all of this shit has developed into so much more than just me getting over a breakdown, the hardest challenge for me right now is to wager against myself from self harm and all other types of shit that makes me hurt so bad.

im not really sure what i want from all of this, i guess i just want help to dampen this paranoia shit and help me move on + not consider self harm or suicide anymore. thanks.

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Hi Tjabo
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us. I will start with stating the obvious, breakups are hard and they suck. It does not matter what kind of dating it is. One of my friends started drinking heavily after his first breakup… for HALF A YEAR. Yes it took him that long to get over his first breakup.

I just want to say breakups are hard on everybody.That is why there is at least a thousand songs about them. Especially if there is cheating involved. It sucks being lied to and it sucks having your heart broken… but that does not mean it is going to hurt forever. Like every pain it will slowly fade. It may leave a scar but the wound will heal.

Please dont kill yourself because of it. Dont kill yourself because of a shitty person that was not deserving of your love. You deserve better. I know that the phrase “time heals” may be not be what you are looking for but it is true. This pain will go away but it is going to stay with you for a while.

I would also recommend seeing a therapist. Not because of the breakup but because of your problem with ovethinking that you mentioned. They might help you find ways to not overthink painful events so much. But if you dont want to or feel like you dont need to that is ok. Just dont hurt yourself. You can cry you can scream and curse but please dont end your life. Broken heart can heal and a new love can be found.

I will also send you a song that i like. It is a nightcore version of it. If you dont like nightcore that is fine just look for the original. :slightly_smiling_face:

Bye and hold on you can make it. I believe in you.
Stay safe
-Ashwell

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