Dealing with Trauma & Jealousy

My heart is full of what seems like dread right now. I’ve always wondered what it would be like to be someone else; someone that isn’t me. I was torn apart by the age of four by the bullies in my neighborhood and school so I know that’s where this stems from. Hell, that’s where EVERYTHING stems from. I was bullied so severely at a young age there were times I was mute. I would lock myself in my room, katana flip phone being constantly bombarded w texts and missed calls of my bullies trying to do more damage to me. Most of which I’ve since blocked out and serpressed but I know those feelings manifest themselves in different ways now that I’m older and understand the world a little better. If I had known what self harm was (thank god I was naive) I would be dead now. I’ve been sexually assaulted by classmates by the age of five. I was manipulated so badly most of the time I couldn’t even tell if it was real. I knew what was going on was bad but being so young and not able to speak up for myself since I lacked understanding, I never said anything. Never said anything to my bullies or my mom; the one time I was being touched by a classmate (fifteen years old, I was thirteen) and it got around the school, the guardians didn’t care and it showed by how they acted. It was clear from my crying (I refused to talk Bc I was so scared — the guy told me he’d rape me if I told anyone what he was doing) and they still did nothing. I wish someone did. I wish someone stuck up for me in my times of need but since no one didn’t and I couldn’t, I overthink everything. I can’t live in the moment, I’m constantly in survival mood. I’m always on edge and bc of it I can’t speak or think right; like nothing flows together how it should, and it’s embarrassing. I shake constantly, I have to always look over my shoulder, I can’t allow anyone to get too close to me without getting scared of being physically or mentally hurt, or worse. I just want to be able to let go and move forward but it doesn’t seem like I can. I’ve struggled so hard w letting go for sixteen years now and I’ve had no luck. I’m so jealous of everyone I come in contact w. If it’s a female, it’s always “she looks so much better than I could” or “I wish I could be like her”. Sometimes my jealousy of others is so strong the mania sets in and I think for a brief moment that suicide is my only option. Sometimes hurting myself is a good option too, but I don’t want that anymore. I jus want to live. I want to be happy. I want to have friends. I want to have a relationship w someone without thinking ab the two horrible relationships I’ve been in where I was abused heavily. I’m so scared to try anything new Bc of how severely bullied I was at such a young age… if that makes sense. It’s almost like my growth has been stunted and I’m jus a child trapped in a corner. But I’m not a child. I’m a 21 year old women w the overwhelming desire to loved and accepted that I would literally kill for it if I had the opportunity. Idk if I’ll ever get better. I want to believe I will but my heart and soul is so damaged I jus don’t think I’ll be able to. I’m sorry that this is mixed up and all over, I can’t think too well rn. A person I met at concerts that I’m jealous of (they know this but it isn’t a bad jealousy) told me that they jus do what they want and what helps them is smoking a lil and sometimes drinking To loosen up, which I get, but idk, I’m jus too scared to try anything and I jus wanna be like them. They’re such a free spirited person and I wish I could be that. They easily can be friends w people, and to an extent, I can too, but not in the same way they can. Idk, I’m sure none of this even makes sense. My truama has caused me to become so overly cautious that I cannot move without gaining an ok from someone. I’m jus so scared I’ll be hurt physically (mentally too but yknow) and I’ll do whatever I can to garner the least amount of damage. Maybe someone out there can spare a word of advise or words of encouragement? I’d really appreciate it. /:


Hello, @justafriend, I was bullied at a young age too and I understand what you’re saying. It seems like since it’s been that way when we were growing up, like it’s molded us now into who we are and we can’t move on and be happy.
You need to work through it. It will take time, I’m still working on myself letting people close.
Take it one day at a time, one thing at a time. Acknowledge what happened, and think to yourself, it’s not like that anymore. I’m stronger, and I have a voice.
Don’t let those people dictate the rest of your life. I know it feels like you can’t change anything, but you can. The world belongs to you. It’ll take time and hard work but you can do it. Those awful people in the past? They’re in the past. They do not control you anymore, they will not dictate what you feel or how you live your life. You would be still be letting them win, letting them hurt you if they are still hurting you even when theyre not here anymore.
Branch out, find hobbies, new things you like. For example, I had a hard time communicating with people and I still do, but now I play the violin and guitar and music is the way I express myself, my comfort. It doesn’t have to be music for you, but find something you like and can get good at. You build pride on your accomplishments. It can help you loosen up.
With people, maybe you won’t have to constantly look over your shoulder with them if you make your mind clear at the start. Don’t hurt me, touch me, or I will make you regret it.
People can be a lot more cautious than they seem. And don’t worry, you will find someone out there to have a relationship with. But first, I recommend working on yourself first.
Keep your head up high, my friend, and hold fast.

Resurrect The Sun - Black Veil Brides (I’ve found this song really inspiring :slight_smile:

Also, try online friendships. I’ve found those are easier at first than face to face

Hello. I am sorry to hear that you are dealing with these thoughts and feelings years later. I know how that is. At the moment I can’t offer too much advice because I am in the same situation. If I have one thing to say its to hold on. You can do it, you are worth it. You will be ok. You are worthy of so much love and I hope that one day you will be able to find that. I wish that for you because you deserve it. Just hold on friend. You have no idea how insanely strong you are. You got this.