On Tuesday my dad died. On Thursday everything started falling apart. Friday I relapsed into self harm for the 2nd time in two months.
Its now Sunday and everything feels disconnected, hopeless, pointless, and unreal. Nothing feels like it’ll ever be okay again.
Not only am I struggling with grief but my PTSD is playing up and my brain is fighting my antidepressant. I’m back to the same state I was in pre-psych ward admission last month and that really scares me.
I’m in virtual intensive outpatient (IOP) programming Monday-Friday but…thats likely going to change. They’re talking of stepping me up to, at the minimum, in person partial hospitalization(PHP) or, worst case scenario, residential treatment (RTC). I’ve been in 3 PHP programs before…I know how those work but I’ve never done RTC before. The thought of someone watching me 24/7 like in inpatient is also very awkward and kinda scary. But safety is important and right now…I can’t keep myself safe.
Anyways, encouragement is welcome. I know no one can fix the brokenness I feel but it helps to know I’m not alone. Just no detailed dead parent stories please. I’m limited on what I can handle. Thx.
I posted something yesterday you can check it out. I know the words may be not be enough this time you can just check it out. I wish you get out of this all soon
The fact that you are recognizing this is amazing. I’ve been on suicide watch too many times and the camera in my room haunted me. They do watch too, because I tried to use something in my room to self harm and a nurse was in my room pretty quickly.
But, you’re right in saying that if you can’t keep yourself safe then you need help. When those dark thoughts come and you don’t feel safe, it’s time to ask for help.
Dealing with grief amplifies everything to a point where it just overflows and support is needed.
My heart goes out to you @TheeCrazyBethy and I’m sending you lots of hugs.
I’m really proud of how aware you are of what you’re feeling, and that it may be too much for you to safely handle by yourself. It also sounds like you’re getting good support that’s working to keep you safe as well, and I’m grateful and glad that you do!
Grief can make everything amplified and can block out a lot of hopeful thinking. The RTC may be new, but maybe it will help get thing back on track, and provide some much needed relief at the minimum. It might be a bit weird at first to be watched, but I hope you can think of it as someone looking over you to keep you safe and it’ll ease your mind that there is real tangible support waiting to help you if things get too tough.
Really rooting for you! Hope you and your support providers can work out a plan to keep you safe and with us. So sorry for your loss, you’ve very much loved and appreciated here. Thanks for opening up to us.
I’m so very sorry for your loss. How you’ve been feeling since then is absolutely understandable, and I hope you keep in mind that you are not broken for feeling that way or for having a relapse. The situation is objectively heavy and very painful. Grief is like this storm that seems to be ravaging everything at first.
It takes a lot of strength to acknowledge your feelings and the fact that you don’t feel like you can keep yourself safe at the moment. It’s true that sometimes we can’t - and it’s absolutely okay to say it.
It seems that you’re still taking major steps to be supported through all of this and that’s amazing. No matter what your decisions will be, with this IOP and possible residential treatment, know that we’re here. We see you. You’re not alone. You’re not going to be alone. Doing what is good and healthy, even if it’s scary at first, is okay.
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