I don’t know what I should do again. It’s been going for years now. I am an adult person and I should be responsible but I feel too overwhelmed everytime. To put it shortly, I’ve been suffering from clinical depression for around 5 years now, and I lost my first real job. I had it for about half a year, then covid happened and there was employee reduction. I honestly could not hold a job for more than a month. It’s been 3 months again I just started a terrible job, it makes me think about dying every now and then. But my family says that I will never find a perfect job and that I need to keep going. But I can’t. Today I got scolded that I wanted to use my break after 8 hours of work (it’s 16h shift) and after complaining that I can’t do 16h shift without breaks my manager said “well if thats the case maybe we should all do a break and not get anything done”. I feel terrible. I did not even signed my contract yet. It’s my second week in this workplace but I hate it already. I know if I quit on my own my family will not hide their disappointmen and I will spiral into awful mood again. Will I actually ever be able to get a job that depressed person can do? Everyone says I need to keep going but I feel like If I will, I’ll break and do the unthinkable. I am so tired but there are still 5h till the end of my shitf. Should I quit after today? I feel sick. I feel if I quit I’ll just prove that I can’t function as an adult person in our society and that I do not deserve to exist anymore.
If they are making you work 16 hour days with no break, that does NOT reflect you. No one can reasonably work that long (or even shorter periods than that) without a break! You need to do what is best for you. But, from the sounds of it, this job does not sound like a good option (for anyone that wants decent mental health). If you quit, this doesn’t say anything about you. I would look for a more suitable job. You deserve something better!
Hey @Jajko,
Depression is hard to handle. It’s not your fault. And it’s totally normal to feel overwhelmed in such circumstances.
I hear what your family is saying, and your fear to disappoint them. But there is no work that would ever be worth your health, or your life. 8 hours of work without any break is not normal. I don’t know where you live, but where I am (Belgium), it’s not even legal. No one can handle this kind of pace. Breaks are needed. And this response of your “manager” is highly criticisable… “tyrant” would be a better title for them at this point.
The fact that you’re struggling with this job is absolutely understandable, and it’s not really about you or your depression. At worst, this environment is likely to increase your depression. You deserve better than this. You deserve to work in a place where you can be safe, where you are treated well, and where you can better yourself without feeling terrible because you can’t do something that any other human couldn’t either.
I feel if I quit I’ll just prove that I can’t function as an adult person in our society and that I do not deserve to exist anymore.
Honestly, I know this kind of decision is scary, but that would be actually a proof that you are able to stand up for yourself and your well-being. That would be the proof that you can make rational decisions, based on pros and cons, and choose the best options for YOU. It’s a right that you have. And that inspires respect. No matter what other people could say. They are not in your shoes and they are not living this life for you.
Thinking more and more about suicide is a red flag. Please, don’t ignore it. You deserve to be safe and to take care of yourself. When everyone in your surroundings are telling you to keep going on, they are ignoring how this environment is making you feel. Their perspective is wrong.
If you quit, just be safe by doing it. Think about the options you have. Make sure you have a safety net (financially, at least). We’re in this with you and to support you as much as possible. You are loved. You are needed. Working while being depressed is possible. But you deserve to find a better place. 
Thank you for your opinions, I told my manger that I will quit. I was tempted to quit on spot but I know other girls in my workplace will have much more hell of a time because of it. So I will work there till the end of the month to not put them in a difficult spot and to make a little more before I go away.
And yeah, I am from Poland and here such workhours are illegal as well - the main problem is that I live in a small town. There are not much variety when it comes to applying for job. There are maybe 3-4 new job ads every week, even less when I look for something that I can actually do. So employers are very often abusing this fact and do a lot of illegal stuff like making really long shifts and skip their employe’s breaks.(It’s not a first job here where I experienced this).
I do live with my parents so I will be able to afford rent and food, but in two months my college (and it’s fees) will start again and I am afraid I will not be able to pay the installments in time after a while. I did saved up a bit, but it will maybe last for the next 4 months at best. I still haven’t started my therapy as well.
I just wish I could finally do something that I enjoy a little. I will start tutoring English a high school student soon, so I will have some extra as well.
I just wish that I could find something that would not make me go into those awful negative spirals. I know that no job is perfect, but for years now I feel like there is no occupation that this depressed piece of garbage can do consistently.
Hey @Jajko,
You are so not a “piece of garbage”. I struggle with depression too, currently unemployed, wondering when I’m going to be able to work again… Yes, that’s how much depression sucks. It’s really scary to feel like you’re unable to “fit in”. It drains every ounce of life, constantly. And yes doing something consistently is really hard while battling with depression.
But friend, I’d like to encourage you to read the response you just sent again. See all the things you are actually doing. For yourself, and also while caring for your family. You’re doing a lot! You’re trying to find the right balance in your life, to follow your goals, to think about possible outcomes in your situation. Maybe those things are obvious and natural for you so you don’t see it as being real efforts, but it is.
All of this takes time. And a lot, lot of grace for yourself. Depressive thoughts make us believe a lot of negative things about ourselves. It pushes us to doubt about everything, to lose hope. But you’re doing great. You’re making the right decisions for yourself. You’re aware of how things are - you’re not just vaguely saying “I want a job”. And as you describe it, it’s definitely not just about you struggling with depression. It’s also about objective circumstances around you. Finding a good job is a challenge in itself, especially when there’s few of them. Such as studying, taking care of the people you love or being on therapy.
I hear that it’s defeating to feel like you’re still waiting for something, like the right job, to feel more connected to this world and this life. That’s totally understandable to feel that way. But it’s also a process. It takes time. For what it’s worth coming from a stranger, I can assure you: you’re doing great. You’re making the right steps. Be gentle with yourself through this. You’ll need that energy to reach your goals. 
I hear that the circumstances are stressful, especially in regards of your college fees. Not ignoring it at all. Keep us updated.