I’ve been struggling with anxiety and depression since middle school and now I’m about to graduate. I feel like I have no family or friends because my parents don’t understand what I’m going through because they’ve never been through it. And my friends try to help me out but I don’t think they understand either. I’ve never had a true, real girlfriend either. I feel like there is no reason to live on this planet if I don’t have these people in my life. The only thing that really helps me out is listening to music. Heavy metal music. And talking to someone about it. I’ve thought about drinking, doing drugs, had suicidal thoughts by pills, by a gun, thought about running my car into something, this is a cry for help. If anyone is out there, please.
Hey Gman_94, I’m out here.
Sounds like you’ve got a load on your shoulders dude…it’s this brutal place of feeling like there’s something wrong with you…you can’t put your finger on it, the best name you have for it is “depression”, but that doesn’t even suffice the day to day sludge you have to slosh through…the feeling of constant loneliness, regardless of who’s around…the feeling that you’ve got this permanent mask on and that no one really knows or even sees the real you…the way that those feelings compress the hollowness you feel as you walk through life…the emptiness, the pang of nothingness reverberating through your soul…over time it can feel like silence mixed with the texture of scratching your fingernails on a chalkboard…it makes you want to scream but you don’t because you feel like no one will hear you, so you eat the scream because you at least hold onto the hope that if you were maybe someone would hear you…if you exasperate that last hope, you don’t know what you would do…you hope it doesn’t come to that…you honestly want to live, to be connected, to feel loved, to give love, and to feel like your life has meaning and purpose, like you’re not disconnected from the rest of humanity. Your heart still beats in your chest, though most days it feels like a cage.
And man, honestly, if any of this hits home with you, I want to offer some comfort because I just wrote this straight from my own experience with this stuff. You are not alone in what you’re feeling. I see you, I feel you, I was in a similar spot in my own life. There is hope, there are people who see right through that mask that feels so permanent that keeps you from the rest of the world. When you’re here, it doesn’t even exist, because everyone can see right through it. You’re safe to be you, to be broken, to be scared, to have questions you don’t have answers for and to ask them, to hope that you can get answers, and to find the strength and courage and healing you seek.
Thank you for opening up and trusting us with your heart. It matters…you matter. Welcome, brother.
-Nate
Thank you. That really did summarize what I feel most of the time. Even though I struggle with it, I have a dream I want to go after and that’s being a musician for a heavy metal band. Because I know that would help me so much in my life and try to find hope in life. Thank you once again.