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Depressed & powerless. is God mad at me?


#1

Hi,
my name is Chris, I am 28.

Through most of my life I suffer from being used when I was a child. I kept this as a secret until my grown up days. Through all these years I felt different, overfragile and depressed.
During my high school I started to suffer from anxiety, I have had a lot of panic attacks, OCD and constantly felt scared.
My life came into the point where I was addicted to drugs and alcohol. I didn’t know any other way to ease the pain. Finally I have stopped eating and sleeping for a week which led me to mental health hospital.
I thought I was cured, but only when I felt better I sarted doing booze and drugs again. Moreover I had access to pills so I was overusing them too.
There was a day when I almost passed away, and this was a time when I realized that I have two options- get over all these habits or die.
I started from rebuilding my spirituality and relationship with God. Having lot of support from family helped me overcome addictions. I stay clean for like 3 years (I only do CBD for therapy manner).
Last three months I spent on throwing medicines, becouse I have compleated my therapy, and I failed.
I have been addicted to all these drugs but these medicines (paroxetine) are just the worst nightmare. I am feeling like a wreck with no power or will to do anything.
Moreover I am having this prob of spiritual manner. I can’t help to stop thinking about it obssesively. I found myself in the point when I wanted to find a church to help me rise in my relationship with God. It happened like I didn’t fit to any of these congregations (Catholic and Charismatic) and there is no other option in my area. I live in a small city in Poland. I started to blame myself that I can not fit and what if God is mad on me? I have never been religious but always spiritual. I am trying to prove that I am worth the Offering of Christ, and I am trying to follow him leaving fruits of love compassion, forgiveness and compassion. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t look for perfection. I just can’t close my eyes on thing which I consider as watering down the faith which is the most important thing in my life. Maybe I am pushing to hard with forcing myself?

Well this is the short story of mine.
Thank you guys and have a good day.


#2

Hey Chris.

To start, I cannot claim to fully understand the pain and difficulty of your situation. I am no professional when it comes to the medical things you are struggling with, but I am aware of what it is like to feel hopeless and unable to approach God. One thing that is always important for us as brothers in the faith is that our ability to approach God is not reliant on us - God deems us worthy. Christ died and you received salvation through His sacrifice - this is offered to you out of love because God already deems you of immense value and worth. We are invited by God to grow and to act in ways that resemble his love but that all flows from the core place of being united with God through salvation. You are worthy because God has made you so. No church is perfect, every community will have its quirks. Find one that worships in a way that you can connect with and just try get involved. One thing I am learning is that it is important to not be too hard on yourself - take time to get comfortable with other Christians and give yourself time to grow in your faith and your identity as well. God wants loving relationship with you more than you could imagine - don’t try to force it! Let love and compassion flow from your heart knowing that God has first loved you and given you the strength to do that. I hope this helps you a little, and if not just remember that you are enough just as you are! God bless you, bro.


#3

Thanks for the answer buddy, it means a lot.
What if there is no proper church for me in the place where I live? And i am not like judging someone. I work with Catholic priest and Catholic kids, but Catholic theology is not what I can accept as my way of understanding God. The other option in my city is Charismatic movement. They, on the other hand, have different aprroach when it comes to understanding of what gift of Holy Spirit are. I felt like they were kinda forcing me to speak in tongues and were behaving (don’t know which word could fit) weird (for example chasing Satan from the knee of a girl). I tried to fit to them, but such rituals made me feel uncomfortable and finally I stopped attending to their church.
On the other hand I live heavily spiritual life outside of church walls. My actions moved my girlfriend to look different on her faith and led her to read Bible and redefine her spiritual view. I try to look on overlooked and support poor and addicted. Every day I speak with God and ask Holy Spirit to lead me. Maybe those thoughts of being not loved by God came from the other side?


#4

You raise a very fair point man, neither community sounds ideal in this case. I hope and pray new opportunities will arise for you to join a tangible community! Like you have said, what we are sharing in here is absolutely the church. I just also know that physical community helps a lot too, and internet relationships aren’t always so tangible as connecting face to face. Dealing with the difficulties we have both expressed is also something that can be done in those spaces.
The enemy may very well have come at you with negative thoughts and overwhelming experiences. For me it is always a mixed bag: some of my thoughts have developed to a negative place through negative cycles and others are almost imposed on me. Wherever they may surface, my prayer for you is that you will continue to cling to the truth that God speaks of you and not the negative ideas that try to tell you otherwise :smile:.


#5

Hi Chris,

I want to lead off with something that my pastor preached in a message a few weeks back. He challenged us to check for your pulse. If you still have a pulse, you still have a purpose, and God is not done with your story. If you don’t mind, I do have a scripture that I want you to read.

1 Peter 2:9 But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.

You will have seasons of struggle, but these seasons do not define who you are. You are chosen, you are loved, you are called, and I believe that you will break these chains of addiction. I know it isn’t quite the same, but there are churches who will live stream their services. If you find that you don’t truly fit in the congregations where you live, try to catch a live stream!

I will be praying for you, Chris. You are a warrior and you will defeat these demons and break the chains that bind you. God bless you!


#6

Thank you for answering guys. You have been very helpful. I appreciate your contribution in my rehab. You have for sure casted a light on subject which I have seen in dark matter.
Thank you.
Much love for ya.


#7

Holy crap, not too sure what you mean by “spiritual manner”, but I have this very same problem! I was brought up in a certain small Christian denomination and I know nearly all of what they teach and practice is right (albeit many of them are too traditional and formal in some respects, mostly with older congregations, and most don’t let “Sisters” do enough during the main church services, but no church is perfect and there are various understandings on things like this.) There are just so many dodgy or poorly-teaching churches out there, sadly. All I know is, whilst every community has its faults, the church community I was brought up in is the closest to GOD’s Truth in my whole life (and I’ve been to quite a lot of churches, believe me!) Please feel free to PM me and I’ll pass their details on to you - I think they probably have churches in Poland - I will check for you…