I think about getting run over by a train.
When I first started therapy it used to be a bus, then a cliff then a car and since I’ve met my ex, it ended up being a train.
My ex lives in another country then me and he works on trains and there have been many instances while we were dating that he had to deal with fixing up a train that somebody jumped in front of. Since then, the imagery of the train hasn’t left my mind. The number one thing that I fear with attempting suicide is failure. I do not want to fail and make my life worse than it already is so I’m always thinking of ways where I could be successful. My therapist knows that in my ideal world, assisted suicide is an option I want. Less chances of failure. He’s told me that deep down, he doesn’t think I want to kill myself, he says the thought is something that brings me comfort when life is messy and uncontrollable. I agree with the fact that it’s a comfortable thought but I don’t agree with him saying that it’s not something I want deep down.
Another thought that comes to mind is when I feel lonely. The relationship with my ex was the first serious relationship I’ve ever had and I had to end it cuz we saw two different futures for ourselves and it was a very painful decision that I had to make. I made it out of love and my ex didn’t see it that way and ended up blocking me on everything and I still haven’t been able to forgive myself even a year later since we’ve separated.
Since I’m not in that manic mindset at the moment, I can’t remember the thoughts that come to mind when I think of my therapist. It’s usually along the lines of journaling, distracting myself, him telling me to go out with friends when I’m invited and to not be cooped up in the house alone. When I’m thinking about my ex, I remember my therapist telling me how he didn’t like him because of the way my ex treated me. I only ever saw the good things and ignored all the bad.
I’m sorry if this reply doesn’t answer your questions. It’s hard to remember what I do when I’m not in that specific mindset anymore. I tend to only remember bits and pieces so it’s a bit messy. Also I think a million miles a second so it’s a lot and when I try to tell others what thoughts I’m having, I have to go on many tangents just to explain the context
I also think of my family and how restricted I feel in who I can date, how I can date, and whether I can live my ideal life while also not disappointing my parents.
In our last session my therapist and I talked about how no matter what I do, I will end up disappointing my family and that is a fact that I need to come to Terms with. For context, my parents are from a different culture and I was raised in a different culture so our point of views are vastly different.
I am such a people pleaser and a pushover and I hate that about myself. Yes I stand up for things but I usually don’t have a backbone
I also feel very broken like why can’t I just be a normal functioning person